Attempt at aspie style parenting

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as someone with aspergers syndrome, I love me some experimenting. So with my little cousin I decided to try something new, especially since he may be autistic.

At christmas he was very hyper and kept grabbing the presents, even starting to open other peoples. Everyone tried conventional methods to stop him including simply yelling at him to trying to distract him with existing gifts ect. Though I attempted something one would expect wasted on a small child. I sat him down, then gave a detailed explaination of why he should not do what he did, then another explaination of what was expected of him. It was something along the lines of "you are to sit down and relax, and wait patiently to be handed a gift. Once handed a gift you may open it, you may not open a present unless it is one handed to you and you are not to go and grab any other gifts. You will sit there and not grab any more except those handed to you" This was not done with any tone of threat or anger, just a calm explaination of the situation.

If he got up to try and grab them again I simply reminded him that he was supposed to wait patiently for it. While this wasn't completely successful, I'd say only about ten minutes, it was the most effective method used to pacify him and used no rewards or punishments as incentive.

For the most part, that is how I dealt with my grandchildren while they were living here. Sometimes the effort was to train them as to how things are done, then efforts were made to also teach them how to do those things. With very few exceptions, the only discipline available to me was either verbal or via mild restraint, and they usually did well very quickly. The one mistake I believe many parents make is to leave it to the child to try to figure out what *to* do while mostly only being told what *not* to do. Over time, my grandchildren's parents began catching on that the word "Don't!" really conveys virtually nothing other than displeasure.

the idea came from remembering when I was younger. My mom would tell me not to do something and never said why. Thus I often still did it because beyond being punished I saw no reason not to. I was however rational and intellegent and if she would have explained it to me conventional behavior modification wouldn't be needed.

NTs are, or atleast think they are, only motivated to do something because its in their personal best interest to. For example, they dont steal because they may be arrested. Aspies dont steal because it is morally wrong, and more importantly harmful to economical system and thus damaging to society and while not always when done to a small degree if enough people had such a mindset it would cause significant problems ect.

Maybe not all aspies, but this one cares little for what society tells him is ok only those with rational reasons for being wrong.

I am not sure if its a aspie/NT thing, but worth a shot in any case

I think this type of parenting would be optimal for ASD and NT children, alike. This is more or less how I am with children. I also will engage them in a sort of good-natured dialectic so as to get them to 'figure out' why they should behave in the way that I am advocating for, while allowing them to still feel a bit of 'ownership' of the idea and decision process.

Sounds good - good old-fashioned logical explanations...

aeroz, your experiment was brilliant. I often wonder why MORE people don't discipline in this manner.

Kaysea -- I agree with you. I think AS and NT should be disciplined in this manner. It often requires time, thought, and preparation to talk with a child BEFORE you enter a store, telling them how you expect them to behave, and the benefits and/or consequences of NOT behaving in the manner you expect. It's a very rational approach to child-rearing, that often results in a very happy and well-adjusted adult, AS or NT.

this works so much better with my AS son than my NT daughter (Ijust say yes or no she gets it) when he is wigging out I just explain in detail what is expected of him and give him no more than 3 steps to follow. This also helps with the tourettes when he gets stuck repeating a word I remind him repeat 3 times then get it out of your head , If I just tell him to stop or yell at him he could repeat it for 30 min.

IMO that is how all parents should act. Sadly most go for the lazy "because I said so" routine.

I think that was a great technique and the only reason it didn't last was this:

1) too much excitement, I mean come on, all those presents??!?!
2) repetition is the key. Saying it five or six times during one moment isn't enough. It needs to be ten to fifteen times, every day, for a month
and
3) all those presents??!?! Really? Did you see them?? Who could resist?!

lol

I remember before I had my own children being at the birthday party for a friend's son. So much was going on, and he was totally over-stimulated and, well, acting out. I watched for a while as everyone around him started in with the "no," "no," "no." Well, geez, what COULD he do? No one was telling him that, and it seemed obvious to me that so much was going on that he couldn't process all the "no's." So I had him come with me over to the side, and he had my full attention for a little while, and I helped him sort through the situation. It helped so much.

As a parent, I'm often juggling too many balls to stop and remember something as simple as, "invest a few extra minutes, and don't just say "no."" It is wonderful that you were there to see what the child needed, and to provide it.

That's how I raised my daughter. If you don't tell a child the reasons behind your directives, how in the world will they ever learn to extrapolate from them when you are not there????

My own parents, on the other hand, were of the "Because I said so" and a whack with a belt school of discipline. All that taught me was that I never, never wanted to be like them. And I've kept my child well away from them as well.