Getting involved with a great girl but...

Page 1 of 1 [ 8 posts ] 

aeroz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 571

08 Jan 2010, 2:23 am

she has a girlfriend. And to clearify I did check and dating me would upset her girlfriend. I found this out after we did some talking, during which it seems that she actually finds my eccentricies incredibly appealing. Plus she is understanding and open-minded, me asking for clearification on what she means doesn't turn her off. Oddly enough I think she likes me for it. Even calling me a "bad boy" which I think would confuse any aspie. We rather universally, aren't that. More over she is sexy, interesting, and has an intellectual lean to her personality.

When I asked her about her girlfriend she said "we'd break up sooner or later", when I asked her to expand on that she explained that it was always an off again on again relationship. Which seemed to tell me they were more together out of habit then love. Plus her girlfriend is pregnant which should tell ya something. They are currently living together, and I got the impression she wouldn't break up with her and destabilize her life until she was sure about "us".

I told her I intended to actively resist temptation with her, and am assuming she'll do the same. Though still, makes me feel awkward, and this would still technically be a date.



LostAlien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2009
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,577

08 Jan 2010, 5:52 am

It seems like it could get messy. The girls girlfriend is pregnant, this means she may have cheated on the girl who has indicated she wants a date with you. Lots of emotions could be present here.

Be sure that the girl that you are going on a date with really wants for her relationship with the girl to be over. Also a thing to consider, people sometimes repeat patterns in relationships, not always but sometimes. Though, dating a person already in a relationship is messy. It can cause pain all round. You know that it will hurt the other girl.

Is there a way you can find out more about their relationship? And also, why does the girl not break up with her girlfriend? Just things to think about.



Lene
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,543
Location: East China Sea

08 Jan 2010, 12:04 pm

Er... sounds dodgy as hell to me. Don't get me wrong, she sounds like a nice person, but with a very complicated life at the moment. Also, if she's planning on sticking by the pregnant girlfriend, then they must have had some kind of agreement (maybe the whole pregnancy was planned) and it would be unfair on the unborn child to try and steal her away.

She's the one in the relationship, so it should be up to her to walk out of it if that's her choice.



aeroz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 571

08 Jan 2010, 4:30 pm

I believe the pregancy is probably from the time they weren't together. Though reguardless I could tell it bothered her. Seems the love just isn't in that relationship, that both are in it just because 'its better then nothing'. I got the feeling the result would be them breaking up not hating one another.

Also probably because they live together. If they weren't together that would be problematic.

In any case I can tell, she doesn't see their relationship going anywhere, and she wants one that will.



Orbyss
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,226

08 Jan 2010, 5:14 pm

If you're not afraid of your heart being broken, I'd say just got for it. I don't know what you're looking for.

Even without being directly involved at all, I get 'bad vibes' from what you've said here. I safely assume anyone with Asperger's has at least some trouble reading intentions, non-verbal gestures, and complex emotional situations. The situation you're in sounds like it may need more insight to really know what's happening, but regardless, there are some pretty standard red flags here.

I personally wouldn't do it. I'd get far, far away from the whole situation and maybe continue a casual friendship. For this girl to go on dates behind her girlfriend's back when it's been expressed there would be upset if she did, at best, is something I can't agree with, and at worst sounds rather alarmingly dishonest for this girl to be doing. It's no wonder they have an unstable situation if this is the kind of behaviour that goes on in their relationship. There are clear warning signs. If they both agree at some point to open dating, that's great. But what they have needs to get worked out for the health of everyone, and that's their responsibility.

It's probably not what you want, but I strongly feel it would be very wise for you to leave them alone until they have worked out their issues or the emotional implications could be disastrous, at very least for one party involved.



aeroz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 571

08 Jan 2010, 6:19 pm

well date might be the wrong word. Its a guy and a girl having dinner alone, which says date to me. I did tell her I wasn't going to meet her with any such intent though. But I did misspeak once to her and call it that.

Your reactions are much like why I feel apprehensive. Its true I just dont know how her relationship is. Though maybe my judgement is just clouded and this is a bad idea from the start



Orbyss
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,226

08 Jan 2010, 9:52 pm

Think of it this way: she's in a relationship currently with another person, a girl who has expressed that she'd be hurt if this girl dated now. This girl you're acquainted with is obviously planning something behind her back, according to what you've said. She is going out with you with the intention of finding someone else to replace her current significant other, and she's blatantly lying about it. What does this say of her ethics?

Now, flip the coin. What if you were to get involved with her, knowing she's lying to her current girlfriend and keeping her as very obvious back-up? How would you feel it suddenly the same situation happened with you, and you found out she was more or less cheating on you, planning dates, and concocting a whole new life behind your back without having made an agreement with you beforehand? There's no reason to believe that, just because she'd be with you or anyone new, she wouldn't create the same situation all over again. Chances aren't that bad that the dishonesty would cause another bad situation. How would that make you feel?

Or, to put it simply, "Once a cheater, always a cheater"; that may be a bit extreme and generalized, but it has its truth.



aeroz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 571

08 Jan 2010, 11:36 pm

well I'd just want her to let me know. You are right, what I'll find out, is how she is considering her girlfriends feelings. its possible they do have an agreement set up or something. In any case the meeting is just that, to meet