Tact, or lack thereof

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Anyone have a problem with tact? I definitely do; I pretty much say whatever I think about anyone without any hint of remourse. Sometimes it's fun, I have to admit, but most of the time I get very negative feedback, and have to go back and apologise. Sometimes I don't notice it, but sometimes I do it on purpose. I say very smart-alec things frequently, and my parents tell me not to be so smart (or fresh, whichever). I have a problem with this in school, too, when it comes to interacting with people (especially people who bother me). Anybody else have this problem?

This used to be a problem for me until I had an epiphany. Why should I consider this to be a problem when I'm simply being honest? If people want to be lied to, that sounds more like their problem than it is mine. Holding in things made me miserable, and being honest with others and myself has helped me form better relationships. I guess what could add confusion is trying to separate having no tact and just being mean. Being mean occurs if you're intentionally being insulting.

If I had a nickel for every job review I've had that read "honest to a fault", which is my boss' way of saying "lacks tact/diplomacy" I'd be a rich woman.

While I know that it is probably more appropriate to say "you look lovely" I would rather be told to avoid horizontal stripes at all cost if they made me look horrid, and so assume others feel the same way. (I'm the NT mom of an Aspie, btw).

I've also always been a 'smart alec' and always see the funny side in things. I don't ever want to be mean though, had enough of that my way to know it's no fun. I guess it's just a way of dealing with life.

I'm having an aspie moment here, so forgive me:

The thread is interesting. I love the coversation. But while reading it, I just HAD to say: It's "smart aleck" not "smart alec". Picky? Yes. But let's just say somebody very close to me is named Alec ...

I am half right per Merriam Webster:

Main Entry: smart al·eck
Variant(s): also smart al·ec /'smärt-"a-lik, -"e-/
Function: noun
Etymology: Aleck, nickname for Alexander
: an obnoxiously conceited and self-assertive person with pretensions to smartness or cleverness

I've had, and continue to have, a variety of issues in this area.

"A gentleman is a man who never ACCIDENTALLY offends another person."

The first, and sometimes toughest, job is to be aware of what the socially conventional, "normal" response or phrasing would be, in a given situation.

That's worth knowing, as it avoids *surprising* unpleasant incidents.

But knowing that does one always go with conformity, possibly uttering bland platitudes at best, or utter lies at worst? Either surprising or shocking the world and facing the reaction, or doing injustice to one's own sense of rightness and truth: there's not always a comfortable choice.

Everyone will have to find their own point of (dis)comfort.

I've come up with a few lines: When I've been a little too straightforward and honest:
"Ah, if you want me to do comforting lies, please just slip me a little note before I start."

Last edited by Emettman on 27 Feb 2006, 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm too slow to the tongue to be considered a smart alec.

I agree I have never had a quick enough tongue to be considered a smart alec.

You might be talking about saying things which are innapropriate in which case you may benefit from just trying to keep your mouth closed.

As difficult as it sounds to keep your mouth closed it has benefited me quite a lot recently.

Also don't correct minor little details or trivial things other people say.

Tact is something I need to greatly improve.

Tact what's that

Sometime at work I put it on a bit. To one of the girls in the office when she dressed up nice, I complemented her by saying "you can look pritty" wich the other office staff found amusing and a backhanded complement.

I also gave her one of my special accidental complements to chare her up one day. "Are you eating properly, you look a bit in the fin side "

Half right? Is that like half pregnant?

If you look at the derrivation of the term, it most likely comes from the name of a man named Aleck Hoag. Many dictionaries don't even allow the variant. Here:

"The most likely origin was suggested by Gerald Cohen in a 1985 article in Studies In Slang. Cohen tentatively traces the origin to an 1840s New York City confidence man named Aleck Hoag. Hoag and his wife Melinda operated several confidence games where Melinda would pose as a prostitute and Aleck would rob the johns of their valuables. Hoag escaped arrest by paying off the police. He eventually tried to cut the police out of the scheme and the pair were arrested. Cohen hypothesizes that it was police who dubbed him "Smart Aleck," because he was too clever by half.

(Sources: Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd Edition; Cohen, Gerald, "Origin of _Smart Aleck," Studies in Slang, Part 1, Forum Anglicum, Vol. 14, Part 1, Peter Lang Verlag., 1985, pp. 85-105.)"

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'... It's kind of a courtesy. Oops! What am I talking about? I'm on WrongPlanet. I forgot. Never mind.

Last edited by GroovyDruid on 28 Feb 2006, 2:38 am, edited 3 times in total.

Wow. Have you ever considered a career in standup?

But I just say things that are very witty (to others, mean to some) without hardly noticing it. Like in math class, I was writing a problem on the board, and some girl said, "I can't read your writing. It's too small." (She said it in a very snobby voice, too.) And I countered, without even thinking, with, "Go get a magnifying glass, then." It's not a big deal if it's stuff like that, it's just when you say something that could be taken out of context or something that you shouldn't have said at that moment (being facetious). I have math two periods from now (I'm in the school library instead of at lunch) and now she's going to be all smart-alecky...hmm...is that a word? to me and I know I'm going to have to back it up with more smart-alecky things. And then that's going to explode into this huge saga of smart-aleckness that I never really bargained for, all because I refuse to apologise based on the fact that, whether I like to admit it or not, I was being totally honest, and I'm going to take that to the death, if need be. I don't know. Maybe I'm just an as*hole. That could be possible.

I have learned more tact as I have gotten older but when I was a kid, I had very little tact. I do not want to make people feel bad with my smart aleck comments, but sometimes the truth pops out of my mouth before I can do anything about it, even now. I will apologize if I realize I have hurt someone's feelings but they don't always tell me when I do.

The problem is that what you're doing is retaliating. She says something smart to you and you say something back. It only ends when one of you says something really horrible. Why is it that you feel that you have to respond to her? If you want it to end just ignore her, or ask her why she's such a smart aleck to you.