His Mother Doesn't Like Me

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Wow this sounds like my whole life, everybody I care about using me as a weapon against someone else I care about. I hate being manipulated, and the people doing it usually honestly have what they see as my best interests at heart, yet the bottom line is I'm being forced to take sides over social slights I can't even see much less care about. If you and Nate's Mom want to get all Machiavellian then that's your business. I'm probably an aspie and when I see people doing this I just don't get it, why they do it, why it's important to them or even what the whole purpose is. In the concentration camps in WWII the Germans would have the Jewish prisoner's pick up a pile of rocks on one end of the compound and move it to the other side, then when they finished move it back untill they went crazy and did something sucidal. To an aspie all of this NT social posturing is just moving rock, meaningless and purposeless effort. Nate's response seems to be passive-aggressive by taking neither sides. Nate's mom sounds like she has some narcissistic traits (kind of like my wife) which often reinforces passive-aggressiveness and learned helplessness( kind of like me). Remember 1. she offered him the farm if he left you and he's still there, 2 I'm not a shrink so YMMV.

That's exactly my point!

I want to leave the past in the past! If she doesn't want to deal with her son's issues, and believe he's perfect, so be it. I just want to be a part of "family" events because as my daughter pointed out, we are his family.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Nate is the one who told me I wouldn't be welcome at his parent's home, and it would be best if I just stayed out of it for now. I agreed because I didn't want to make waves, but I warned him this could become bad if he didn't do something. This whole thing happened almost six months ago. I'm still on the outside looking in and wondering. Nate hasn't said anything to him mom yet. I gave him until his birthday, which is just over a month away now. He hasn't said anything to her yet. He hasn't exactly seen her yet either.

Nate's trying not to make waves with his mother and I get that -- I'll try just about anything to avoid a confrontation, myself, until I absolutely have to have one -- but it's making things worse in this situation. Like I said earlier, your fight with his mother is your own issue -- you are the one who aired a private dispute in a public forum (Facebook) after all.

However, it's Nate's job to make sure his mother knows that the three of you are a family. By leaving the two of you at home, he's not actually keeping the peace as he thinks he is, but is inadvertantly encouraging his mother to see his bond with you as temporary. She may even think it's you who doesn't want to have anything to do with his family, not because he told her that (it's very unlikely) but because of your unexplained absence (much more likely.) If someone simply stopped coming to family events after a fight, I'd assume they didn't want to be around me, so that may be what Nate's mother is thinking as well. The next time there's a family event, all of you should go and if it causes a scene, so be it.

Better yet, plan a family get-together at your home for Nate's birthday and invite his family to come. You can't be shut out of an event for which you are the hostess.

I have thought about that. Nate feels his brother and one sister would show up. His other sister is away at college. He honestly doesn't think his parents would come. His dad might, but if he didn't it would be because his mom didn't. He told me at Christmas, he could almost tell his mom was expecting me, and was "ready". What ever that meant. I have no clue. I asked but he never explained it.

I honestly don't know what to think about that.

The argument between his mother and myself is between us, and I don't expect him to do anything. He already agrees with me that his mom is blind to think that he is perfect. And that she doesn't completely understand the idea of a post on facebook not being totally public, but just open to my friends. And I honestly don't have many of those on facebook.

Something in the back of my mind, though, makes me wonder what he has told his parents about me. If there is a reason his mother thinks that way because of something he has said. I just wonder....

That would be her problem, not your's.



Well, stop it. Don't let that kind of mental poison into your relationship. Until you know something for a fact, it's nothing but useless conjecture.

Best of luck,

Patricia

Thank you Patricia. I like your matter of factness. And thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.