A friend making making another friend jealous on purpose

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Miyah
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08 Feb 2010, 12:00 pm

I have two friends that I see on a regular basis. Long story short, these two do a lot together, and one of them is a girl and has a crush on the other who is of the opposite sex. However, he has told her many times that he is not interested in dating her and that he wants to stay friends. He also likes to flirt with me in front of this girl and ask me to sit next to him whenever I do a get together with them. He said that he wants to make her jealous on purpose so that she will get the idea that he's not interested in her more than just a friend.

He also Asperger's syndrome and feels that is the appropriate thing to do since she won't listen to him and her own mother. On the other hand, I feel like it's not appropriate because I think it will give off the wrong messages that I want him all to myself, and I am not interested in him like that.

How should I talk to them about this?



Lene
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08 Feb 2010, 12:47 pm

Miyah wrote:
I have two friends that I see on a regular basis. Long story short, these two do a lot together, and one of them is a girl and has a crush on the other who is of the opposite sex. However, he has told her many times that he is not interested in dating her and that he wants to stay friends. He also likes to flirt with me in front of this girl and ask me to sit next to him whenever I do a get together with them. He said that he wants to make her jealous on purpose so that she will get the idea that he's not interested in her more than just a friend.

He also Asperger's syndrome and feels that is the appropriate thing to do since she won't listen to him and her own mother. On the other hand, I feel like it's not appropriate because I think it will give off the wrong messages that I want him all to myself, and I am not interested in him like that.

How should I talk to them about this?


I'd really like to shake your friend :roll: .

Flirting with you isn't going to make her fancy him less; if anything she will want him even more. She will however start to resent you because she is jealous and sees you as competition.

I do understand that he doesn't want the other girl to keep thinking he may fancy her, but the way he's going about it is totally wrong and disrespectful to her. Once the penny does drop (which it may eventually), the chances of them remaining friends is quite slim as she may feel humiliated.

I think you need to corner your male friend, sit him down and explain that if he's allowed to not fancy the other girl, but playing with her feelings (which he is doing, maliciously or not) will only hurt her and you.

If he doesn't fancy her, he should continue acting as her friend and ignore any hints. If she asks him out directly, he should politely decline and do his best to spare her feelings (a friend of mine once let me down by saying he valued me too much as a friend... it may have been total bull, but it definitely cushioned the blow and we are still good friends).

If he tries flirting with you again, you should do the same (unless you do fancy him back). Bear in mind, that he may actually fancy you (and the friend may be just an excuse) so if you don't have feelings for him, then play dumb and don't react to it.

The way I see it is at least this way, the rejected party can walk away with their dignity intact and there is a greater chance of the friendship surviving.



Miyah
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08 Feb 2010, 2:38 pm

Thanks Lene,
I really appreciate your response in here. However, he's not trying to be mean to her like that. He's a more severe case of Asperger's but he can go to school and hold down a job. I think he's more clueless to her own feelings and I was trying to offer him guidance.
This girl, on the other hand, is in 27 and is mentally at the level of a 11-year-old and has a crush on The Jonas Brothers and Zach and Cody. He also claims that she's guy crazy, but I think she doesn't get out much to meet other guys and lives with her mother who is some what protective of her.



Lene
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08 Feb 2010, 3:09 pm

I guess at least he means well! I still think that the best tactic may be to act as platonic as possible though and wait for her to find another crush.

Is there anyway you two can bring her to a social event where she might meet someone else? It might be worth a shot



Miyah
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08 Feb 2010, 4:11 pm

Yeah, we go to an Autism Center in Atlanta and there are all kinds of cute guys who she maybe interested in.