Who here has a successful relationship with an NT?

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makuranososhi
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14 Feb 2010, 6:26 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:
But thing here is that there are so few aspie women out there that it makes finding someone in that same boat near impossible. It's even harder when you live in the boonies like me.


I'm not exactly in a metropolitan area; to limit yourself to AS partners only doesn't make sense to me. My wife is not on the spectrum, and we complement each other very well, each suited to the other's strengths and weaknesses.


M.


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Last edited by makuranososhi on 14 Feb 2010, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Northeastern292
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14 Feb 2010, 8:09 pm

makuranososhi wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
But thing here is that there are so few aspie women out there that it makes finding someone in that same boat near impossible. It's even harder when you live in the boonies like me.


I'm not exactly in a metropolitan area; to limit yourself to AS partners only doesn't make sense to me. My wife is not on the spectrum, and we complement each other very well, each suited to the other's strengths and weaknesses.


M.


I know, and I have at one point had a very successful relationship with an NT. I never limit myself relationship wise.



bdhkhsfgk
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15 Feb 2010, 2:36 am

I had one once, it was with a macho bully.



lotusblossom
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15 Feb 2010, 6:04 am

makuranososhi wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
But thing here is that there are so few aspie women out there that it makes finding someone in that same boat near impossible. It's even harder when you live in the boonies like me.


I'm not exactly in a metropolitan area; to limit yourself to AS partners only doesn't make sense to me. My wife is not on the spectrum, and we complement each other very well, each suited to the other's strengths and weaknesses.


M.

I agree,

I dont think it matters if someone is NT or AS just if they are suited.

I think there are probably just as many NT men with complementory characters to mine as there is AS men as everyone is so different with in each 'diagnosis'.

Also is a false belief to think that other people with AS will be tollerant or sypathetic of ones issues or thinking process. IME both NTs and AS people all are rejecting and over critical :lol:



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15 Feb 2010, 7:46 am

Sure my GF is NT :) im glad really cuz she know stuff that i dont sometimes and good to exsplain them to me and i exsplain stuff to her aswell


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RossMc
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18 Feb 2010, 10:48 am

How about many unsuccessful relationships with NTs? The three biggest ones failed because two of them dumped me, but they both had addictions- one to alcohol, the other to prescription drugs, overspending and overreating. Just because someone is NT doesn't mean that their life is smooth sailing. The third, I broke it off- I just couldn't in the end tolerate that she was 8 years older thna me.
I spent a lot of my younger years chasing after an AS woman, on and off, but while we were platonic friends without benefits, she wouldn't drop her panties for me. She was probably either lesbian or asexual, since there never seemed to be any guys in her life.



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19 Feb 2010, 5:59 pm

Just becuse she wouldnt "drop her panties for you" disdt mean she didnt love you maybe she just wasnt ready?


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19 Feb 2010, 10:23 pm

No, it wasn't just me. She wasn't dropping them for anyone.



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20 Feb 2010, 6:31 pm

Perhaps as Mouldy mentioned, she wasn't ready to do that with anyone



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21 Feb 2010, 11:55 pm

My boyfriend has AS and I suppose that I am NT in the loosest sense of the word.

I am a nursing student and my little sister has Autism, so him being on the spectrum wasn't really a big thing for me. We have been together for 4.5 years now and we have lived together for 1.5 of it.

I think it ultimately comes down to communication, which isn't always easy when you seem to be speaking two different languages. We give each other a lot of leeway for miscommunication before jumping down the others' throat. I also make sure that I'm really clear about what I want from him - it's much easier than expecting him to guess. Especially for major holidays and events, I plan things out and let him know way in advance so that he has enough time to plan out for it.

I've tried to learn to let little things go, like his quirks. For example, he likes to take "shortcuts" that end up being much longer than the typical routes and they get on my nerves. I just lay back and listen to the music whenever he does it not, just as he puts up with my sometimes incessant talking after a long day when I know he doesn't want to really hear me speak.

I think I am lucky in that my boyfriend has opened up to me a lot in the last couple of years and he still enjoys physical touch and closeness. At the same time, I am rather nurturing and we end up taking care of each other in different ways.

I don't think it has so much to do with his AS and my NT as it does with us talking and trusting each other.



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22 Feb 2010, 12:41 am

Successful for whom?

If you are asking me, I would say yes. I have been married for 8 years and can't imagine anyone else who understands me or would put up with me like my wife does. My wife has a masters degree in communication disorders and frequently works with individuals with AS.

If you ask my wife, I am not sure what she would say. But, I do think there would be general concensus on the "no one would put up with me" part.


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03 Mar 2010, 1:36 pm

I am NT and "gifted" and a freelance roleplaying game writer, my SO is an aspie who manages to have a decent day job and is a electronica music composer and DJ (his main stim). We succeed because I listen to him, try to understand him, help him with his music as I am a musician also and we have the same interests and philosophies on many important things. Sometimes I think he is absolutely bugf*** nuts but I would not want it any other way as his uniqueness compliments my own personality quirks and we laugh together A LOT. He has quirks that drive me nuts but I accept them as part of being with them and some I have even adopted... he calls it "assimilation".LOL. There is constant touch and affection on our relationship and great passion. I simply accept him as he is and enjoy and welcome his different perspectives even tho we have come from very different planets.



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03 Mar 2010, 2:07 pm

valkyrieraven88 wrote:
Sorry it took so long to reply!

Sean (my bf) and I have a rule: He always has to be clear about things. I cannot guess the meaning of phrases the way he can and I can't tell if he means, "Yes, that's bothering me" when he says, "Don't worry about it." I have to do the same thing. This actually works better for him too because even for NT's that constant guessing game is hard. It makes a relationship easier when all the people's expectations are laid out. He also knows quite a bit about the autism spectrum so he knows to be patient with me, and he's good at calming me when I have a meltdown. Since his social skills are excellent, he can also help explain to me how to understand people. He thinks my way of doing things is better, and he says it's actually been the easiest relationship he's ever had.

It also helps if you're in love with each other. :D


Sounds alot like the relationship I am in. Verbal clearity is there no matter what since I have a hard time with nonverbals.

My boyfriend is not exactly NT, but he is more NT than me as he has an easy time with nonverbal language. He has ad(h)d, but it gives the relationship a degree of compatibility.



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03 Mar 2010, 2:59 pm

valkyrieraven88 wrote:
Sorry it took so long to reply!
...so he knows to be patient with me, and he's good at calming me when I have a meltdown.


I wouldn't consider myself NT, but definitely more so than the guy I am involved with (he has AS). We communicate well, and from what you described previously, it sounds like our relationship has a lot in common with yours, at least in regard to how you understand/relate to each other. To date, he has only described one "meltdown" from his past, but it only took place after someone had been causing a lot of stress for him for an extended amount of time.

I wanted to ask if the two of you had ever sat down and discussed meltdowns, and how they might be overcome, or if he was naturally equipped to help calm you during those moments just due to his personality?



MichelleRM78
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03 Mar 2010, 3:17 pm

DavidM wrote:
Fiz wrote:
I'm in a relationship with a non-autistic and, if you judge success by the number of years, then we have a successful relationship as we have been together for 3 and a half years. However, I feel somewhat taken for granted/unappreciated as I have made sacrifices for the sake of his relationship whereas he has made none. So in this sense, I already feel like I've lost him somewhere along the line but can't bear to let him go. So emotionally, at the moment, it is unsuccessful.



This, folks, is why autistic men should not become emotionally involved with 'normal' women. Notice that she said she made sacrifices for 'his' relationship, not 'our' relationship.

My experience has been that women have no sexual feelings for introverted/autistic men, but rather they begin by pitying them intensely, treating them like a big cuddly toy, but as time goes on they feel total repulsion for him because he will never be able to provide her with security, children, nice cars, social status, and so on.

My own mother once told me that I should buy an Eastern European bride. Don't be fooled by a woman showing kindness towards you. If you can't be on equal footing with a woman in a relationship, don't bother going after them at all.

When I talk to a woman, even if she finds me physically attractive, it usually takes less than 2 minutes for signs of disgust to appear on her face. 'This guy isn't right; I bet he has no money, is poor in bed, and just isn't cool. I don't want to be lumbered with such an uncool boyfriend. Give me a bad boy any day of the week, a guy who can show me a great time.'

And there it is. Sexual relationships are as much off-limits as friendships and jobs. Nobody is interested; nobody knows that I even exist.

It wouldn't surprise me if this girl uses her autistic 'boyfriend' as an emotional punching bag.


I don't buy that generalization. My bf's feeling is that I have been a "gift." I have enlightened and helped him in ways he couldn't imagine before I met him. And I love him for who he is. Exactly the way he is. I am NT, and, while some of his quirks irritate me some days, that has happened with everyone I have dated. I suspect its VERY normal in any relationship.

He does make me feel secure-- I know there is no place he'd rather be. I know that he enjoys time with me. I also know that he puts everything he is capable of into the relationship. I don't need to keep score.

"Normal women" aren't all that bad :D