Who here has a successful relationship with an NT?

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starygrrl
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03 Mar 2010, 3:43 pm

DavidM wrote:
Fiz wrote:
I'm in a relationship with a non-autistic and, if you judge success by the number of years, then we have a successful relationship as we have been together for 3 and a half years. However, I feel somewhat taken for granted/unappreciated as I have made sacrifices for the sake of his relationship whereas he has made none. So in this sense, I already feel like I've lost him somewhere along the line but can't bear to let him go. So emotionally, at the moment, it is unsuccessful.



This, folks, is why autistic men should not become emotionally involved with 'normal' women. Notice that she said she made sacrifices for 'his' relationship, not 'our' relationship.

My experience has been that women have no sexual feelings for introverted/autistic men, but rather they begin by pitying them intensely, treating them like a big cuddly toy, but as time goes on they feel total repulsion for him because he will never be able to provide her with security, children, nice cars, social status, and so on.

My own mother once told me that I should buy an Eastern European bride. Don't be fooled by a woman showing kindness towards you. If you can't be on equal footing with a woman in a relationship, don't bother going after them at all.

When I talk to a woman, even if she finds me physically attractive, it usually takes less than 2 minutes for signs of disgust to appear on her face. 'This guy isn't right; I bet he has no money, is poor in bed, and just isn't cool. I don't want to be lumbered with such an uncool boyfriend. Give me a bad boy any day of the week, a guy who can show me a great time.'

And there it is. Sexual relationships are as much off-limits as friendships and jobs. Nobody is interested; nobody knows that I even exist.

It wouldn't surprise me if this girl uses her autistic 'boyfriend' as an emotional punching bag.


Once again another fine example of the false myth of NT women and the "nice guy"/bad boy/jerk myth.

I am not going to go into details, but it is attitudes like these that are part of the problem for some men who have ASD, that have difficulties with NT women. It strikes at the core of misogynistic attitudes and poor self esteem.

I do think guys who are autistic can have luck with NT women, but honestly speaking the ones I notice who are in successful long term relationships have a more nuanced and complex opinion about women in general. They are usually in successful relationships move past this nice guy/bad boy HS mentality. They realize women are complex individual human beings and thier motives, needs, etc, vary completely.

Right now you are saddled with an immature attitude that I frequently see on these boards. Let me be blunt, its wrong, its not only wrong, its way off, at least for adult women.



RightGalaxy
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08 Mar 2010, 11:34 am

Ponder this: when autistics don't marry or date other autistic people, they often end up marrying or dating bullies, who want nothing more than someone to control. These bullies sense the inability of an autistic person to set personal boundaries and are attracted to that. Teasing is cruel and is often used as a weapon. It is a way of putting yourself above someone, and not taking responsibilty for your cruelty, because after all, it was just a joke.
You could tell you're headed for disaster just by how fights end up. Every couple has disagreements but when the fighting switches from the actual disputed subject matter to insulting your very character, that's not very promising. Years ago, this NT couldn't take being with me anymore so he gets on his pulpit and starts his B.S. --- by berating me ---I finally said, "If you want to break up, finally do it already, nobody asked you for data or proof of how bad life was with me, just get the hell out already!" I was VERY unhappy with him too but got really mad with his insults. It wasn't my fault I wasn't the girl of his dreams. I was me and he was he.
People get upset when they just can't find what they want but that's no excuse to hate you because you're not it. They're like babies holding a splendid toy but it wasn't the toy they wanted so they must scream and yell and smash the toy about...eventually breaking it. Some other baby could enjoy that toy but because some "babies" are so self-involved they have to smash it up so they don't have to see another baby enjoying the toy because their wants were probably unrealistic in the first place.



Nikki0522
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08 Mar 2010, 8:07 pm

I do! We haven't been dating very long, but things are wonderful. There are the occasional "shut downs" whenever I say something unexpected. The first time he did that, it scared me. I didn't understand why he wasn't responding and assumed he was upset with me, but it wasn't that at all. He didn't have a defense to the question I asked him. I understand this will happen from time to time. The best way to be successful in this type of relationship is lots of honesty and communication. I read a lot about Asperger's when I started dating him so I was better able to understand his obsessions, "shut downs" etc. I think we work well together. He acts so much different around me now that he's gotten comfortable. He socializes more. I guess you could say he feeds off me a little during conversations. It's almost like I make up for whatever he's lacking in social skills but he's learning so well. I think NT/Aspie relationships can be very rewarding for both. I highly recommend this sort of relationship. The only problem we're having is sex difficulties (him orgasming). This is not a huge problem really. I just feel like it's me or something to that effect. I get the feeling it will get better though but I give this relationship 5 stars! :wink:



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08 Mar 2010, 8:13 pm

DavidM wrote:
Fiz wrote:
I'm in a relationship with a non-autistic and, if you judge success by the number of years, then we have a successful relationship as we have been together for 3 and a half years. However, I feel somewhat taken for granted/unappreciated as I have made sacrifices for the sake of his relationship whereas he has made none. So in this sense, I already feel like I've lost him somewhere along the line but can't bear to let him go. So emotionally, at the moment, it is unsuccessful.



This, folks, is why autistic men should not become emotionally involved with 'normal' women. Notice that she said she made sacrifices for 'his' relationship, not 'our' relationship.

My experience has been that women have no sexual feelings for introverted/autistic men, but rather they begin by pitying them intensely, treating them like a big cuddly toy, but as time goes on they feel total repulsion for him because he will never be able to provide her with security, children, nice cars, social status, and so on.

My own mother once told me that I should buy an Eastern European bride. Don't be fooled by a woman showing kindness towards you. If you can't be on equal footing with a woman in a relationship, don't bother going after them at all.

When I talk to a woman, even if she finds me physically attractive, it usually takes less than 2 minutes for signs of disgust to appear on her face. 'This guy isn't right; I bet he has no money, is poor in bed, and just isn't cool. I don't want to be lumbered with such an uncool boyfriend. Give me a bad boy any day of the week, a guy who can show me a great time.'

And there it is. Sexual relationships are as much off-limits as friendships and jobs. Nobody is interested; nobody knows that I even exist.

It wouldn't surprise me if this girl uses her autistic 'boyfriend' as an emotional punching bag.


first off, not all guys with AS want to be with someone with AS, infact I couldn't bear it
secondly your post is made of fail
obviously generalizing billions can't be as simple as you think
NTs aren't horrible leach people and AS people aren't kind and wonderful people
often the opposite in my experience



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09 Mar 2010, 1:26 am

Nikki0522 wrote:
I do! We haven't been dating very long, but things are wonderful. There are the occasional "shut downs" whenever I say something unexpected. The first time he did that, it scared me. I didn't understand why he wasn't responding and assumed he was upset with me, but it wasn't that at all. He didn't have a defense to the question I asked him. I understand this will happen from time to time. The best way to be successful in this type of relationship is lots of honesty and communication. I read a lot about Asperger's when I started dating him so I was better able to understand his obsessions, "shut downs" etc. I think we work well together. He acts so much different around me now that he's gotten comfortable. He socializes more. I guess you could say he feeds off me a little during conversations. It's almost like I make up for whatever he's lacking in social skills but he's learning so well. I think NT/Aspie relationships can be very rewarding for both. I highly recommend this sort of relationship. The only problem we're having is sex difficulties (him orgasming). This is not a huge problem really. I just feel like it's me or something to that effect. I get the feeling it will get better though but I give this relationship 5 stars! :wink:


Sounds like you and your guy are very similar to me and mine! ;) Only real variance is that his shutdowns are less often caused by unexpected queries, but more so by overwhelming feelings/fears that he'll do something wrong.

We are able to discuss [seemingly] anything and everything, which is something I used to fantasize about, but never expected to be able to have in a relationship based in reality. ;)

I am also an advocate for "this sort of relationship." :D Hope things continue to go well for both of you, Nikki!

(And I believe I understand how you feel about the lack of orgasms for him. I did a lot of reading on it, and that helped me to put it into perspective, and stop worrying if it was me. )



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09 Mar 2010, 8:33 am

I've had positive relationships with NT's but they all ended at some point.

I was married to someone I suspected of being on the spectrum, but now I realize he's just really manipulative because he's nothing like me or our son or my Aspie friends. My marriage had it's good points (especially my kids) but my most successful relationships have been with other Aspies.

My current relationship is very healthy and positive and he's on the spectrum as well.



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09 Mar 2010, 12:00 pm

Yep my GF is an NT and she is very understanding :) thats why i love her


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Nikki0522
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09 Mar 2010, 6:58 pm

Side_Kick wrote:
Nikki0522 wrote:
I do! We haven't been dating very long, but things are wonderful. There are the occasional "shut downs" whenever I say something unexpected. The first time he did that, it scared me. I didn't understand why he wasn't responding and assumed he was upset with me, but it wasn't that at all. He didn't have a defense to the question I asked him. I understand this will happen from time to time. The best way to be successful in this type of relationship is lots of honesty and communication. I read a lot about Asperger's when I started dating him so I was better able to understand his obsessions, "shut downs" etc. I think we work well together. He acts so much different around me now that he's gotten comfortable. He socializes more. I guess you could say he feeds off me a little during conversations. It's almost like I make up for whatever he's lacking in social skills but he's learning so well. I think NT/Aspie relationships can be very rewarding for both. I highly recommend this sort of relationship. The only problem we're having is sex difficulties (him orgasming). This is not a huge problem really. I just feel like it's me or something to that effect. I get the feeling it will get better though but I give this relationship 5 stars! :wink:


Sounds like you and your guy are very similar to me and mine! ;) Only real variance is that his shutdowns are less often caused by unexpected queries, but more so by overwhelming feelings/fears that he'll do something wrong.

We are able to discuss [seemingly] anything and everything, which is something I used to fantasize about, but never expected to be able to have in a relationship based in reality. ;)

I am also an advocate for "this sort of relationship." :D Hope things continue to go well for both of you, Nikki!

(And I believe I understand how you feel about the lack of orgasms for him. I did a lot of reading on it, and that helped me to put it into perspective, and stop worrying if it was me. )


This is definately the best relationship I've ever had with the opposite sex. I find it amazing how he used to be so reserved and quiet, and now he's able to socialize. He makes jokes and laughs. The other night I even got him to dance with me at a club. I believe if you make him feel comfortable enough this relationship can be a very fullfilling one. I tend to poke fun of myself alot, which is probably what makes him so comfortable. I'm try to be understanding when he shuts down. Sometimes it's hard and I end up asking "what's wrong" alot. That just causes him to shut down even more. They can be tricky:)

I've also read up on Aspie sexuality. He told me the problem is that he thinks too much. That is probably true. I'm just being patient with him. If it happens, it happens. If not, that's fine too. I just like being close to him and that's all that matters to me. It's nice to see how other NT's relate with Aspies. He hates the word Aspies, but I hate the word neurotypical:) What is normal anyways?



Nikki0522
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09 Mar 2010, 7:00 pm

By the way I am 21 and he is 31 just in case anybody was wondering:)



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09 Mar 2010, 7:53 pm

Nikki0522 wrote:
This is definately the best relationship I've ever had with the opposite sex. I find it amazing how he used to be so reserved and quiet, and now he's able to socialize. He makes jokes and laughs. The other night I even got him to dance with me at a club. I believe if you make him feel comfortable enough this relationship can be a very fullfilling one.

I'm try to be understanding when he shuts down. Sometimes it's hard and I end up asking "what's wrong" alot. That just causes him to shut down even more.

I've also read up on Aspie sexuality. He told me the problem is that he thinks too much. That is probably true. I'm just being patient with him. If it happens, it happens. If not, that's fine too. I just like being close to him and that's all that matters to me. It's nice to see how other NT's relate with Aspies. He hates the word Aspies, but I hate the word neurotypical:) What is normal anyways?


Same here. So far, this has been the first and only daydream-meets-reality relationship I have ever had with another person.

In terms of social aspects, my guy actually has me beat! He loves Karaoke, and I refuse to sing or dance outside of my house. ;) He goes out more often than I do, and has 2-3 times as many friends as myself. I realized a long time ago that though I may be able to improve my social anxiety somewhat, I will always be a fairly introverted individual. That's a big part of where we get on so well... He won't pressure me to go out, etc when I don't feel comfortable doing so, and won't think I'm lame for being such a home-body :D

The "shutting down" has been a bit of a struggle for me, as well. I tend to over-think, analyze, day-mare (as I call it), and it can be pretty daunting at times to go a week with no interaction, either online or in person. But that is something that is MY problem, and I would like to work on it anyway (since it effects so many aspects of my life). Trying to just trust in him that if something is wrong, he'll tell me. (He's also compulsively honest and frank, like me, another huge relief!)

And I feel the same as you about the sexuality complication (?)... I didn't even know if we would ever be together that way, and it is still surreal to me that we've been that close! I would be so incredibly happy if I were the person he could achieve that one moment with, but I maintain no expectations. Just fantasies ;) I have a LOT of difficulty with sexuality and physical contact myself, so again, it's unbelievably helpful to be with someone who understands. Makes it so that I can actually enjoy that for the first time in my life. :P

I personally don't use the term, "Aspie" myself, as I don't feel comfortable doing so. And we have discussed my absolute distaste for the word, "Neurotypical." Fortunately, he doesn't consider me to be NT anyway ;) If he only knew I had scored 160/200 on the AQ test... ;)



Nikki0522
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10 Mar 2010, 10:04 pm

Wow, I've noticed a lot of you are against dating "NT's" because you had bad experiences. Just like anybody else you guys are going to go through bad relationships. You can have a bad relationship with anyone. It just depends on the people that you choose to date. Some people just don't have good character. I don't think you should narrow your search strictly to other "Aspies". When you find the right person, it could actually be very rewarding to be with someone that is different. It sounds like you guys just didn't meet the right people. EVERYBODY gets cheated on and goes through heartbreaks whether you're an "Aspie" or "neurotypical". Use it as a learning experience. Just because you are dating someone does not mean you will be with that person forever. Dating is like going to a wine tasting event. You might go through many glasses before you find the right one. From my own personal experience as an "NT" I've gone through many heartbreaks. It's a part of life. Not all of us are the same.



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11 Mar 2010, 6:00 am

I have AS, my fiance doesn't.......

There are issues sometimes.......but we laugh and laugh and laugh.

We love Monty Python, Science, irreverance, political incorrectness and dark humour.......

He calls me his" little Asparagus"........"don't get all asparagus on me" or " whats up with asparagus?".

Makes me laugh on my darkest days........and gently helps me socially, letting me in on cues that I miss from other people.

We are both kind and harsh.......loving and misunderstood.

But we stand together and that is what counts.

Mics


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11 Mar 2010, 6:38 am

Nikki0522 wrote:
Dating is like going to a wine tasting event. You might go through many glasses before you find the right one.


Love the metaphor! For many Aspies, the problem is that dating is like a wine tasting event where they won't allow you to have a glass, so you just stand around looking uncomfortable, unable to have even a tiny sip of what everyone else is drinking.

PS One failed marriage to an NT to report. By the time I managed to finally grab a glass, the best wine had all gone. Looking back, it did taste a bit 'off'. But as I'd never sampled the good stuff, I figured you had to just keep quite and tolerate the slightly sour overtones that became more apparent over time. :)


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11 Mar 2010, 12:19 pm

LOL asparagus i get called that too :P


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13 Mar 2010, 3:10 am

It depends on the person's personality and knowledge about social skills. I honestly have a pretty high social IQ for an AS person and in order to deal with a relationship successfully, you should have a high social IQ.
In my opinion I am totally mainly into the physically attractive NT bad girl types if you ask me, because the good guy/bad girl match is very common. These are my tastes, it all depends.