I feel trapped in my job

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I hate my job. I want a new one, but don't know what I want to do or can do. I feel like my options are very limited since I've already established a level of income that would be hard getting a job that starts out at that much that I actually have interest doing. My household depends on my income. I make over twice as much as my husband and we have many bills to pay so I'm not sure I can take that much of a pay cut.

I feel bad for even complaining about my job given the current state of the economy. It pays well, has great benefits, and is quite secure (government job). I'm sure those poor unfortunate souls who are unemployed at the moment would kill for my job. I know I should just learn to cope with it. Buck up, grow up, and get with the program. But for some reason, I am having a very difficult time doing that.

Everyday I come home in tears. I felt like from day 1, I've done nothing but embarrass myself over and over again. I'm always saying the wrong things, always doing the wrong things, always messing up, etc etc. My social skills are horrible. I can't carry on a conversation to save my life. I always feel awkward and I'm sure I make everyone else feel awkward due to my social ineptitude. Nobody really talks to me and I only have 1 friend there who I barely talk to. I hardly say a word the whole time I'm there. I can't chit chat like everyone else. Everyone probably sees me as a weird antisocial girl.

I never know what to say, even if it's regarding work related issues. Usually the other people I work with speak up in meetings and I remain quiet for the most part. When I do have to speak, everything comes out of my mouth the wrong way. I'm sure everybody who knows me thinks I'm a moron. Then again, I think I'm a moron. My head feels always clouded. My thought processes, problem solving skills, pretty much all cognitive skills in general are not up to par. I don't feel like I can think for myself. I'm always asking dumb questions and making stupid mistakes. I get stuck for long periods of time on even the simplest of things like responding to emails. I never know how to respond correctly. I feel so inadequate and inept.

I'm too stupid for my job. I feel like I've moved up to a level I don't feel comfortable operating at and now it's too late to back down. I happened to luck out (so I thought) after I graduated from college and was pretty much handed the job because they were so desperate for people. I wish that had never happened. Since then, we have been living up to our means and didn't realize I wasn't cut out for this until it was too late; we had bought a house and increased our standard of living to meet my pay. Everything depends on me, financial wise which creates immense pressure on me. Our livelihood depends on me being able to continue doing my job and I don't know how much longer I can hang on. This job is sucking the life out of me. I can't enjoy my time off because I'm so sick from the idea of having to go back the next day and the next day until I retire.

I'm thinking about going back to school, but I haven't the foggiest idea of what I want to do. I don't think I'm smart enough to do anything that would pay as much as I make right now anyways. I need a simple job that I can handle. One that doesn't require too much thought. I can't do that unless my husband made more money, enough for me to take a pay cut. He's paid well for what he does, but it's still not that much. He talks about going to school and getting a degree, but I don't know if that will really happen. I don't want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do but I don't know how much longer I can continue to support us.

Good thing I work for the government, otherwise I'd would have been long gone due to my stupidity. Regardless, I hate constantly feeling like a stupid anti-social freak and a failure everyday, all day. I feel so worthless and like I don't belong. I know it's just work and I should just put up with it, do my best and let that be that, but we spend the better part of our day, most days a week at work, so having a miserable job can make your life miserable. Thinking about having to do this for the rest of my life makes me want to cry. This is making my life so miserable. I'm so depressed and have been for at least a year. This is not a life worth living. I need to do something but I really don't see what my options are at this point. I don't see how this can change other than winning the lottery which will never happen. I feel trapped. I can't keep living this.

Thanks to those who actually read this. I hope this made sense as I'm not very articulate and I'm really not good at putting my thoughts into words. It took me a long time to type this and I feel like I probably still didn't properly convey my thoughts and feelings.

Stick with a Government job, just apply for different ones. Unless you work for California, it's basically no risk switching jobs in the Gov. If you don't pass trial service in your new job, your old one will be waiting for you. If you keep working for "the man" you can keep your ever shrinking benefits.

No one will think bad about you if you want to apply for different jobs. Just say "I always wanted to learn was an IRS auditor did" or "Waste disposal has always held a deep interest for me."

In some cases, you can even get your department to pay for your education.

Thanks for the reply. I always look for government job postings in my area, but never see any at the same grade level that I can do. They're either the same job series as mine or engineering jobs (not much variety where I live). The only ones I see that I would be willing to do are for admin assistant positions, which would involve a pay cut that I can't afford. I look everyday and try to keep my chin up though...

Why limit it to your area? Sometimes is good to move to a new town and get a fresh start.

When I read your post, I felt that you were writing about my exact experience from 1 1/2 years ago. I was feeling exactly like you and I didn't do anything about it. The consequences were: nervous breakdown; home foreclosed; vehicle repoed; kids had to live with my brother; husband and I moved to a one bedroom apartment.

Thankfully, I was able to take FMLA and short term disability for 3 months and I took that time to see a therapist and get on some medication. I was diagnosed with depression and little by little, my world got better. The things we lost were just things. If you don't have your sanity you're not doing anyone any favors. Please seek out help for your own benefit and for that of you family. Take it from me, it does get better; you just have to some time to take care of yourself. Take care, hlm

Hello,

Leejosepho, congratulations! You pulled quite a good career move, especially under duress.

As the disclaimer goes, these figures may not reflect average results. In particular, getting a new job in just a few weeks is difficult enough. Getting one that quickly, in the same field you enjoy and with a substantial pay raise is quite uncommon.

One last observation: You made the switch nearly three years ago. Since then, the economy has gone down the tubes.

Oregon, good advice about transferring within the government. Please do note that not everyone is in a position to move. MorbidlyBeautiful and/or her husband may have (1) close friends where they live now, (2) children in school, (3) little, no or even negative equity in their home and/or (4) other strong reasons to stay put, like maybe an elderly or sick family member in the area.

MorbidlyBeautiful, it certainly would be good if you can change to an equally or even almost equally high paying job quickly. However much you may regret your decisions regarding what job you took or your family expenditures, it took time to get into your situation and it will take time to get out of it. You know how fortunate you are these days to still have a high-paying job in this economy, and I think it will take maybe a year and a half to two years more to start getting substantially better.

I'm not sure what level government you work in, though my impression is that it's the Federal government. If so, it will be a tad less difficult for you to transfer jobs. You might want to check out USAJOBS if you haven't done so already.

Meanwhile, start working on issues that stand between where you are now and where you want to be. For instance, you may want to pare back spending so you can pay more right away toward your mortgage principal to facilitate moving, or to enable the family to live on less once you change jobs. (If you have high-interest credit card debt and your ability to make your minimum monthly house and car payments and otherwise pay for necessities is not in question, pay off the credit cards pronto.)

Once you start working toward a change, you may start to feel better right away even while you're still at your current job. People often can take a given amount of pain much better if they know it will end.

What do you think?

About five years ago I was in a similar situation: terrified to come to work every day, totally isolated, and overwhelmed by self-doubt. No one else seemed to react to work that way. On weekends and even on vacation I couldn't turn off my fears or stop thinking about work. I had known for several years that the job was too much for me.

The solution for me was twofold. First, I have a supportive partner who carried most of the financial load when I quit to look for a less-stressful position. Secondly, we downsized and have a much smaller house payment (and I drive a 12 year old car). I don't know whether selling your house is an option, but I'm hoping things improve for you. Please share what you've told us with your husband and start looking at options. Life is way too short to endure all of this pain five days every week.

I always leave when I feel like that. I will soon have left two government organisations. OK, I am in a position where I can do this and I can't stick a job. But, I would say if you're going to find somewhere to work that you're comfortable with, there's very little chance it will be for the government. That's my opinion, anyway. What I know for sure is that government services know they are not good to work for, hence why they offer good benefits. Especially pay rises every year and holiday increases the longer you have been there. They know what they're doing. They don't want you to like you're job, but give you reason to stick with it because "it will do".

But, of course a quick, rash decision is never good. Try and hold out for as long as you have to. You won't be there forever.

Key critical words in today's economy: Milk it.

I felt the same & also had a problem with harassment (not sexual, because of AS) from my boss, I dunno if this is a good or bad suggestion, dont even know if its going to work for me. But I just got sick of it & quit. I'm a good writer & found a freelancing website & I'm looking for a part time job 1 or 2 days a week. Honestly I'm terrified right now because I have no saving or anything in case I fail BUT the relief of stress has made my perspective so much more open.

If you dont have kids or spouse to worry about, or have a savings account with a few months in it, maybe you should try harnessing your skills to become an entrepreneur or work freelance. Sometimes when you're feeling stuck its hard to see all the amazing possibilities around you.

For the OP and whoever else is having this experience:

I agree with the post by Merle and I think that was excellent advice.

It can be hard to figure things out when you're very depressed. If you feel disastrously depressed I would recommend going to see a doctor and considering short term antidepressants and/or counseling by someone who has experience counseling people on the spectrum. Sometimes if you take something for just a few months while you straighten things out it can help you.

I'd also like to heavily recommend forming and using scripts for anyone on the spectrum who is frustrated with social interactions. Even NT people use scripts, but they don't realize it. I really liked what Merle said about writing down things during meetings. For surprise social interactions where maybe a script doesn't come to mind, remember you can always distract the other person and make yourself sound considerate by simply asking them to tell you more about what they're talking about and then just replying, "that's cool" or "that's too bad." The other person will be absorbed in what they're saying and there will be less pressure on you to "socially perform."

A helpful thing to do when you're trying to say something and you're not sure if it's coming out right is to say, "Let me know if this makes sense, I might not be putting it the right way." And then after you're done talking ask something like, "Do you know what I mean?" That way the NT can make sure he or she is understanding you. It tends to make social bloops less awkward if you give the other person/people permission to ask you to clarify.

I assume everyone knows what I mean by scripts but if not, here's an example:

Script 1 in Situation A:
NT: "My sister just had a baby!" [announcement about something you don't care about, expectation for you to say something]
Aspie: "Oh really? That's great! I want to hear all about it!"
NT: blah blah blah blah [listen if you can, but maybe it's too boring or complicated to follow]
Aspie: "Oh cool. I gotta get back to work. See you later."

Script 1 in Situation B:
NT: "I just got a new car!" [another announcement about something you don't care about, etc]
Aspie: "Oh really? That's great! I want to hear all about it!" [you just say the same thing because you've recognized it's a Happy Announcement]
NT: blah blah blah blah
Aspie: Oh cool. I gotta get back to work. See you later." [again, saying the exact same thing still works because it's the same kind of conversation]

Sadly, your situation is common with lots of NTs.

Stay in a job long enough, you feel trapped there, and if the money isn't half-bad, odds are other would hire you at less money than you are already making.