Oh, gee, Valentine's

Post Reply New Topic

I have never had a girlfriend. NEVER! Don't bother pointing out that Valentine's day was made by card companies. I've heard that crap already. The point is I get to see people who have girlfriends and that reminds me that I don't have one.

Why don't I have one? Because I'm BIZARRE! I'm actually not as bad as I use to be but, at 28, it's hard not to feel pathetic. I mean, seriously. Who would want to date, much less talk to, some guy who can't make eye contact, smiles at inappropriate times, and cant really keep himself from snapping his joints every once in a while? I'm a basket case.

And there's this movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin. You can bet your a**es that I'd rather die than to live that long!

And to think that there are these guys who treat their women like crap or at least don't value them. And then there are other guys who are doormats. And yet they are all still getting laid!

And I there are people out there who say "look deep into yourself" or "talk to someone who can tell/coach you what to do". I get the impression that there are all kinds of women out there, just like there are all kinds of men.

I need to find me a door mat. Someone who, deep down inside, is better that what she has become. Help her out only under the condition that she'll help me out too. Does this sound like a fairy tale?

I wouldn't date you because I don't know you, and you're also almost 10 years older than me. I know how you feel, I've seen the film and, at 19, having not even kissed someone yet never mind slept with them I am wondering if I will be a female version of Steve Carrell's character.

I believe in the 'someone for everyone' philosophy, I guess we just have to wait until our right person comes along. Hopefully then we will know.

I feel your pain and am going through the same thing. The older I get, the less of a chance there is for me. Most guys like their gals younger and attractive.

Also I wouldn't think too much of Valentine's Day. Just think about the stress most couples are going through to buy their loved one a valentine gift. Really it's just an excuse for our corporate society to buy buy buy. It's really just a month like any other month...that's all.

yeah I know how ya feel`too. Its why I avoid the tv this time of year, sick of all the damn valentines day ads.Same goes for Christmas though, since i tend to see nothing but jewelry store commercials, although all commercials at that time of year get overdone..

^This is your solution? Rather than figure out how to make changes in yourself that will make you more appealing, approachable, accessible to the majority of women you encounter, your strategy is to wait for a woman who is equally unappealing? No, it doesn't sound like a fairy tale. It sounds like a nightmare. You are the only person on the planet you can control. You can choose to get the help you need to improve your chances of meeting and connecting with women (thereby improving your chances of finding a nice woman to date), or you can do nothing and hope your fairy tale will come true. Which option do you think has the better chance for success? How much more of your life are you willing to sacrifice to the fairy tale?

Why don't you ignore valentines, like I do? Stop caring about pointless thing in general. There is no reminder, you choice to be reminded. Occupy yourself.

If you want to blame anyone for valentines blame Chaucer. He came up with this idea that Valentine had anything to do with romance, although he was probably taking the piss as usual. So just think of him having a good giggle at the stupidity that has resulted. There are several St Valentines, no one really knows who they were, what they did, or if they ever existed. More plausible explanation is that they were invented to put feast day on pagan holidays.

Ok st valentine, get off your high horse. You aren't rescuing anyone. This is the ‘nice guy syndrome' speaking, basically boils down to victimhood. Doormats don't take orders from doormats.

I'm not doing Valentine's Day.

The answer is no.

No, this isn't a fairytale situation, unless you are planning on taking on the role of the stepmother...

I'm not going to give out to you; I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I did, as I used to fall for the 'underdog' doormat guys myself.

I think it was because I felt at least they would appreaciate me because I was the only girl showing interest, but in truth, they wanted attractive popular girls with good social skills and when I finally went out with an 'doormat' (with serious victim mentality), I was miserable. I put a lot of effort into raising his confidence and being nice to him but in return he did nothing for me and continued playing the victim. Looking back, I shouldn't have expected anything in return and I was as bad as the 'nice guys' that aren't really nice, but at the time I was seriously depressed.

I thought the real nice guys were too good for me. I had a friend who was popular, funny and interesting but I thought he was out of my league (maybe not in looks, but deifinitely in character). Weird thing is, we ended up together and have been going out for a year now.

So yeah, basically don't pick out people because you pity them or feel you are 'above' them and require them to feel the same way. There's no way you can raise their self-esteem in that situation. Choose people you actually admire and respect and one day you'll find someone who feels the same way about you.

If I was a girl, then yes I would date you.

@ Lene: Thanks for your response! It made me think things over a bit.

Although I would argue that not all doormats are the same. As I implied earlier, some are more than what they have become. I have in mind an intelligent woman, perhaps a grad student, who has already demonstrated in one way or another that she has the discipline to pick herself up. Someone who already believes in herself but needs (or maybe just wants) that extra push.

@ HopeGrows: I actually have worked on myself. I go to the gym regularly, I get both group and individual therapy, and I recently got a graduate degree from an American major research university. If all goes well this year, I'll get into another graduate program from that same university.

What's so frustrating is that, despite all that, I still don't have anyone I can spend Valentine's with. And that's only a symptom of a much larger problem.

Thinking things over a bit more, my future really isn't that bleak. It's just that this Valentine's won't be any different from any of the previous ones.

OP, you sound like a very different type of guy in your second post. So....why don't you ask out the young lady you've got your eye on? Although it's not exactly a big deal if you do, you don't necessarily have to spend another Valentine's Day alone. You don't have to ask her for a date....how about a cup of coffee?

@ HopeGrows: I was actually speaking hypothetically (I wish there was such a woman) but I did have someone in mind. I thought she was out of my league but when she broke up with her boyfriend, she started smiling at me, dropping by for no good reason, REPEATEDLY tried to start conversations with me (she would almost never talk to me before), etc.

Unfortunately, after her ex-boyfriend's father died. This brought them back together. Now they're engaged! I know it must have been painful to loose his father but he used it to get his old girlfriend back. And I think she went along with it just to avoid being alone!

I actually had more than enough time to do something between the break up and the death but I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I think I thought at the time that she would just dump me as soon as she got to know me. I have no experience in these things and figured it wouldn't turn out well.

Now I wish I had done something. Tomorrow, when I see my therapist, I'll ask her to explain to me how all this dating stuff works. I can't do anything about this opportunity that I just lost but, If I can help it, I won't do that mistake again when the next woman comes along.

I doesn't really fix this Valentine's but I guess that just can't be helped.

Yeah Valentine's sucks. Ignore it. Last year was the first year I ever had a GF that day and it turns out she always hated it too. Her colors are silver and black, she can't stand any pink, red, heart-shaped, candy-coated crap, literally or figuratively. So that was kind of cool. But we broke up in May so I'm back to mehville.
As for the loneliness issues and doormat search, I'm qualified to comment (38-year-old virgin before I met above GF in 2008). If you've gone without a GFyour whole life, don't rely too much on your own analysis of what kind of woman you need. I don't know whether by doormat you mean someone who would be YOUR doormat, or someone who has been another's doormat who you envision lifting up with your love, but I can tell you those are both bad recipes. Both scenarios are essentially unequal power relationships. I don't think you'll get much out of mistreating a passive partner, and you won't be able to "save", "fix" or otherwise lift up a woman who has been abused or has related issues. (My GF was in the second category.)
When you have suffered a long time in this boat, it can be very difficult to keep trying. I was there. I would give up for long periods, try some more, fail, try, give up, try, fail, etc. But after 38 years and a foray into internet dating I finally broke through, lost my V-card and was in a relationship for a while, maybe 8 months. And that was a minefield and a lot of work and there were no magic fireworks. I know I'll never convince you that it isn't that revelatory, or a big deal, to finally get there - nobody could convince me of that when I was a virgin, I was just insane to know what it was like on the other side of that lifelong wall. But your best bet is to talk to that therapist, limp along with efforts to meet people and improve your conversational skills, in short, keep trying. And don't waste time on any preconceived notions about what she should be like, just find somebody and explore them and it will run its course. If it doesn't work you go back to looking, which is where I'm at.

Thanks to all who responded to my post. Especially to those who gave me really thoughtful responses. You've given me much to think about.

I wouldn't date you because I'm a bloke, and I don't date other blokes. Nothing personal.

As for Valentine's Day--while most men see it as a corporate ploy, most women see it as a chance to compete with other women in terms of what their men have done or bought for them, romantically speaking. So, ignore it at your own peril.

I'd like to find myself a young man one day.