Fallen in love with another aspie, but struggling

Post Reply New Topic

Over the last several months I've fallen in love with an absolutely perfect lady... who is an undiagnosed aspie and doesn't realize it (working on explaining it to her). We 100% click. I've never had anything even close to that happen (I and was married 12 years, divorced now). Problem is that I travel during the week and one of her focuses is to have someone available 24/7. I have no problem flying to her city every weekend until I moved. I love her... not "luv ya" but as close to an absolute as I'm capable.

A "player" has moved in and she's dating him. He verbally abuses her and is a jerk, but he's available and fun otherwise. He was a flame during high school and she felt a connection with him. She's at the tail end of a divorce and looking for that comfort. She's also somewhat clueless and naive in some ways, extremely intelligent in wise in others, but takes 1 day at a time.

I'm torn and don't know what to do. She and I text dozens of times a day and call every couple days. We mesh... I think we're different on less than 5 things. She calls me perfect.

I've been the "good guy" friend through this (gone on 5 months) but have also hinted occasionally about feeling far more. Haven't flat out told her I love her and its driving me crazy... not sure if I'm getting to the breaking point on that. I consider her welfare above mine and don't want to cause major issues.

What do I do? What questions can I ask myself and explore? How can I stay sane? I've seriously considered switching jobs and moving, but would make half of what I do now but what I make now could provide a lot for her and her kids...

You should probably tell her. If she's an aspie, she may not pick up on subtle hints.

This post isn't gonna be pretty, so if you don't want to be in a bad mood right now, you may want to skip my post. Though, you have the opportunity to save yourself from a world of hurt later if you did read it. I'm going to make many, many assumptions here based on what I read between the lines, so if I'm wrong on much of this, I apologize.

I'm sorry, KnightGhost, but from the looks of it, you're in a bad position that might not be saved, and could easily get worse. If she's going out with another guy - or to be direct and blunt, if she is regularly intimate with him - while keeping you on the hook and intertwining with you emotionally, you are in deep trouble. If the boyfriend is a PoS who treats her bad, yet she continues to be intimate with him, it's because she's simply that intimately attracted to him. Moreso, apparently, than she is to you, if you've never been intimate with her. And after 5 months, you should have had plenty of opportunities to take it to the next level.

At this point, you could try to 'confess your love,' but before you seriously consider that, consider this: What have you done to be competitive at her boyfriends' level? Have you been overtly flirting with her with sexual overtones? Has there been any sexual tension? Can you think of anything that happened or has been said that might make her curious or excited about you intimately? How comfortable are you two with casually touching each other? If none of this is there then she probably considers you, effectively, asexual. And make no mistake, sexual tension is the basis of romance. Without any sexual undercurrent, you are a friend. Just a friend. Her PoS boyfriend is more romantic than you if you haven't been competing on this level at all.

Your success with gaining her romantic attention is low if you keep doing what you've been doing. If things do not change within less than, say, two weeks, I suggest phasing her out of your life since, judging by your words, you probably won't be capable of letting go of her emotionally while attempting to be platonic friends. And I know that's not what you want.

All of this is a time tested, oft repeated, tragic, reliable pattern. Hard though it may be, it is unfair that she is stringing you along, even if she is (partly) unaware of her actions, and their consequences. Of the two alternatives presented(being 'friends' vs letting her go), I truly believe letting go is best if you cant start competing on a new level. Before you reject my suggestion, please consider it at least briefly. If you don't see any strong, real reasons to support this seemingly drastic action, I can gladly(and sadly) elaborate on the why being friends in this situation is worse than losing her.

Until that critical moment of truth arrives, I might be able to think of some things that could help you change up the dynamic, if you're interested.

As a disclaimer, I'm not sure how old you two are, and age changes this dynamic slightly beyond the 30s, but you still pretty much fit the mold of a "nice guy," and the pattern still occurs even in middle ages. I know your pain, and I am truly sorry.

I appreciate the post. I've been intimate but he hasn't. Its... complicated. And I'm 37.

Well that changes things a bit then! Sorry for misunderstanding.
I've nothing to add then, really. The main points I've raised, regarding consideration of addressing intimacy, and not just her emotional support, is enough that I'm sure you'll not overlook it, as many men unfortunately do.
Just that clarification you pointed out alone does indicate that it's quite a bit more complex than the stereotypical 'nice-guy' setup, so I'll butt out.

Hrm...

I wouldn't trust your armchair diagnosis of her, especially as your judgment will be impaired by infatuation. I think you need more firm basis for thinking she is interested. Not just a fantasy,

Do not think that if she accepts she is on the spectrum, she is more likely to want to go out with you.

Being a "good guy" doesn’t make you a nice guy. It just means you are biding your time.

Just explain to her about her aspergers and tell her not to date him because he's an NT and they use people and manipulate them and bully us.

my guess is the thing with the player will fizzle out eventually. In the meantime just try to stay level.

I think you should tell her that you are in love with her.

I'm with Betsy on this. Tell her and it will either work out for you or blow up in your face. Either way and you'll have your answer.

Told her. She also said she feels the same for me, but split between 2 guys. Will see where it goes.