Sex vs. Long-Term Relationships

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NeantHumain
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27 Feb 2010, 2:05 am

Is looking for a "hook-up" really at odds with looking for a long-term relationship? It seems that, by increasing one's "sex appeal," one simultaneously makes women less interested in a relationship. That is, going to bars and nightclubs, I seem to be getting more interest from the women (the only thing that's been stopping me is my lack of familiarity with such an environment and the social norms around it), but on dating sites, I'm not getting anywhere. Maybe the dating sites just suck, but I don't know: Maybe all the effort I've spent appealing to women's sexual desires makes them think all of that would be incompatible with a relationship; I don't see them as in conflict, though (certainly one can enjoy a monogamous long-term relationship that includes lots of good sex).



therange
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27 Feb 2010, 2:13 am

If you're getting looked at in the bars and nightclubs, arguably the most difficult place to interest a woman, I don't see why you aren't getting interest from women on dating sites unless you're someone who just looks much better in person, which happens. My ex didn't look ugly in pics, but she was significantly better looking in person for whatever reason.



hale_bopp
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27 Feb 2010, 2:26 am

NeantHumain wrote:
Is looking for a "hook-up" really at odds with looking for a long-term relationship? It seems that, by increasing one's "sex appeal," one simultaneously makes women less interested in a relationship. That is, going to bars and nightclubs, I seem to be getting more interest from the women (the only thing that's been stopping me is my lack of familiarity with such an environment and the social norms around it), but on dating sites, I'm not getting anywhere. Maybe the dating sites just suck, but I don't know: Maybe all the effort I've spent appealing to women's sexual desires makes them think all of that would be incompatible with a relationship; I don't see them as in conflict, though (certainly one can enjoy a monogamous long-term relationship that includes lots of good sex).


Sadly dating sites in general are very hard to get any luck on. I think the deal here is that dating sites in general are very poor ways to get any response out of women as they are inundated.

Meeting them in real life means you get the chance to put yourself out there - people are more willing to give a real person a chance than a picture on a screen.

I think thats what it really comes down to, without looking any deeper.



Sound
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27 Feb 2010, 5:18 am

NeantHumain wrote:
It seems that, by increasing one's "sex appeal," one simultaneously makes women less interested in a relationship.
This has not been my experience...
However, I see this on sitcoms and RomCom's, if not real life.

I'm gonna be direct here: Is your theory based on experience, where you have had relatively recent sex with a bunch of women, or are you simply theorizing? Cuz if you've had true sex with only 2 or 3 different women in the past year, for example, then you've not really got much to base this idea off. On the other hand, if this pattern has seemed to be true for more than 3 different women you've been fully intimate with recently, then maybe it's an idea worth entertaining.

Even if being a good, easy hook-up did somehow reduce your sex appeal(and I think the chances of that are terribly remote; It's counter-intuitive), it wouldn't have so much of an impact as your personality has on whether women are interested in staying with you or not. Once you're past basic attraction, core personality is everything.

Also, you could've simply gotten unlucky with a few women that were a bit off-the-norm.



alana
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27 Feb 2010, 3:27 pm

this is interesting. I haven't been on any dating sites, the thought of that seems like it would be double the work because all of that really awkward stuff has to be done twice, once online and then you have to do it all over again when you meet the person. I guess I am just hoping I will some day meet someone in real life and we will click, I don't think I could stand the rejection of meeting someone on a match up site and thinking we had all this connection and having them not like me in real life.

I think in bars people are mainly wanting to get laid and online they are looking for 'the one', at least on dating sites. I really don't do either one so I don't know why one would work for you and the other one wouldn't



HopeGrows
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27 Feb 2010, 9:19 pm

OP, I think you're on the wrong track. If you're getting more attention in person than on a dating site, it might be as Range suggested: you don't photograph as well as you look in person. Or, it could be your website profile - is there maybe something off-putting in it? For example, have you listed cannibalism as a hobby on your profile? :wink:

Jk, but you really might want to take a look at your profile, or.......figure out how to convert the interest you're getting IRL into intimacy and/or a relationship. I can assure you that sexy guys are not less interesting as relationship material to women. Of course there's lots of great sex to be had within a committed relationship (the commitment only enhances it, IMO). So get out there, you sexy beast. 8)


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DavidM
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28 Feb 2010, 12:29 am

Others may disagree, but as I see it, sex is pleasurable and relationships are a pain in the ass. By pursuing relationships you are following what your superego tells you you ought to do. But if you can abandon that and follow the pleasure principle, you will find pleasure and therefore happiness ....



lotusblossom
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28 Feb 2010, 4:50 am

HopeGrows wrote:
OP, I think you're on the wrong track. If you're getting more attention in person than on a dating site, it might be as Range suggested: you don't photograph as well as you look in person. Or, it could be your website profile - is there maybe something off-putting in it? For example, have you listed cannibalism as a hobby on your profile? :wink:

Jk, but you really might want to take a look at your profile, or.......figure out how to convert the interest you're getting IRL into intimacy and/or a relationship. I can assure you that sexy guys are not less interesting as relationship material to women. Of course there's lots of great sex to be had within a committed relationship (the commitment only enhances it, IMO). So get out there, you sexy beast. 8)


I do much better in real life than on dating sites as online I find it hard to write good emails and seem more strange even than real life, I find emails very stressful and never know anything to say. In real life I can look at someone and smile at them and attract them that way, but I can not keep relationships as Im so weird and obnoxious which puts people off. They go out with me as they fancy me but they cant 'put up with' me. Im bored of people trying to change me, its gets frustrating and lowers my self esteem.

I think the best solution for people in the OPs position is to meet people at clubs/groups on your interest as you will do better in a real life encounter and the shared interest might draw them in enough to cope with the 'off putting' AS features (monologueing, poor social skills ect) for example my boyfriend puts up with my monologueing as its on topics that interests him.