How does an aspie move beyond an obsession with a person?

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I have had a situation the last couple of days where I have come out to my family regarding an obsession over a person that I have had over the past couple of years. I finally shared with them the nasty e-mails that this person sent me a year and a half ago. Part of the reason that I never shared this with my family is that I knew what they were going to say. I didn't necessarly want to vilify this person with them, and I always kind of held out hope that the friendship with this person would return.

Sharing this information was bittersweet, it opened up old wounds, and they had a number of questions and comments about this situaion. But on the other hand, it was liberating to share these e-mails with them and I think it will open a door to moving on.

How have other people on the autism/Aspergers spectrum moved on from an obsession with a person? I know that a couple of things that have helped me move on are focusing on other activities that you enjoy that do not involve that person. Also a major life change or event (such as a job change, or moving to a new home) can help. Sadly, the most surefire way to deal with this is to become obsessed with another person. I would like try and avoid the last thing as much as possible. Any suggestions on how to move on?

I used to obsess over my ex. But that was only b/c I thought we could make it work one day....I really thought he was the one. We had been trying to maintain a friendship but then one day, he invited me to his house for dinner with his family and other friends of theirs, and he treated me like complete crap. So from then on, I found closure. And that was it for him. Obsession ended.

Other obsessions just come and go for me. It's not really continuous for too long......Just find out a way to say "I'm over it"......When you find yourself thinking about them, think about the negatives of that person, or why you wouldn't want to be around them anymore.

I'm not sure how to NOT be obsessive but hey you're not alone I get obsessive too. LOL! I don't remember being that way growing up it has been IMO more the late teens/adult that I've done this I think I obsess over being friends with ANYONE which grows into an obsession with an individual. I wish I knew how NOT to be obsessive and WHY we as Aspies/people on the spectrum sepecifically do this. I agree a major life change might help (for my obsessive issues) IMO I'm considering comeing right out to the obsessive person and saying how I feel etc. and WHY I feel I'm obsessive not sure if it'd work though.

At first I thought by moving on you meant meeting the person and having an actual relationship.
Or something similar.
But I just get bored after a while.

I find it lessons with time but I think there will always be a certain fondness like for old obsessive interests, Im still fond of old interests I had when I was a child so I guess if its a strong obsession with a person that it may switch or fade but there will always be that draw to it.

I have seemed to have obsessions with my girlfriend alot but I don't get to see her as such since we both went both directions and yet I still have been going on and on and on about her while she is on and on about this person and then I get really upset and heartbroken everytime because it seems as if she doesn't seem to love me.

I seem to have an obsession with one of my mates of how he dresses and anything and how awesome he is compared to me, he is however like a complete mirror version of me whatsoever.

I don't even know why I have these obsessions?

Yes, I also have other obsessions too like blakes 7, Star Wars, Dynasty Warriors, Samurai Warriors etc which some of them just come and go apart from Dynasty Warriors which I seem to have all the time and I would go on and on about them.

Thinking the negative about the person makes me feel quite guilty so it wouldn't work for me unless they have done something severe bad to me.


- superboyian

I had an obsession with a person, around 4 years ago. I thought that him and I were the best of friends, over the Internet. It turns out that we went our separate ways, back in the starting months of 2007. I let it get to my nerves and became something that I wasn't meant to be - a punk. I've just let go in the fall of last year and I'm fine, again.

I agree with lotusblossom - Time. Time will cause the obsession and the feelings involved to fade.

Another thing that has always helped me is a new interest. I can't choose my interests though so it's really one and the same as the above. With time, I will eventually become interested in a new subject and the old one will no longer be an obsession.

1. Put and elastic band on your wrist and 'ping' it every time you start thinking about them.

2. Avoid looking at their facebook or myspace profiles and don't go places where you know they will be. Delete the emails you have and any other correspondance. If you really want to hold onto them, email them to an alternate email address first, then delete.

3. Don't avoid places that remind you of them, or you'll become a hermit. Instead, revisit the places with a friend or even on your own so that you can 'overwrite' the association (I find that works, though maybe not in all cases).

4. This will sound weird, but try turning your obsession in to positive thing by living in a way that you think might 'impress' them (the 'fantasy 'them not necessarily the real one). It will force you to examine your life as if from a third person, and encourage you to do more stuff and see more places. It's very easy to focus on other people's lives, to the expense of one's own.

I have this exact same problem and it's one of the things about me I don't like.

I get stuck on people I like, my enemies, I have been stuck on my ex's. I tend to keep talking about people I had issues with because I get stuck. I used to talk about my ex's a lot here and in real life. My husband used to have to listen to me talk about my ex's a lot. Even my ex had to hear about Jeff Jeff Jeff (my first ex).

Some people view it as a grudge when I get stuck on someone I had issues with. My husband sure does.

It helps when those people never show up here or anywhere else I go to. Then it helps my obsession die down.

In real life I have tried to treat people I like the same as I treat everyone else. Online, I try and treat them the same.

I don't have a clue. I do this....I stayed away from relationships for a long time because I couldn't imagine anyone would ever be as good as my ex. Now I am in unrequited love with someone else, my own fault. I started drawing around the time that I met her and I spent hours drawing her face. Now I know to have several subjects at once and not focus just on one person but it's too late. It will probably take a very long time to abate. It's very painful but there is nothing I can do about it. She is with someone else...when I met her she was in love with a not-nice person so I am glad for her...she is out of my league anyway, the new woman looks like a model (I'm betting she has modeled in the past just from the photos I've seen of her). I just hate that she seems to think of me with about as much affection as a pile of dog crap she just stepped in. It sucks that we are not friends. She is probably wise not to feed this fire though, I need to get over it. One thing I'm accepting is that I am just going to obsess in general because that is the way my mind works and the best thing for me to do is STAY IN SCHOOL, stay loaded down with as many classes as possible. Then I will obsess about school. I love learning and taking classes so it isn't a problem if I don't let myself get lazy or discouraged and just miss the registration dates. I am hoping to go full time this summer and then start a computer program in the fall. So if I can just get to the end of may I'll be okay.

I had a really sweet dream the other night that I fell in love. I was in a car with someone and she looked at me and took my hand an it was just like instantaneous love. It's been a long time since I felt that coming from someone. I know it was just a dream but I have been on a high about it for days. It was someone only marginally in my life, that I don't even feel an attraction to but it was such an amazing feeling I had when I woke up. Because this other obsession has been fraught with all this pain of watching her be with other people. And in the dream the woman looked at me and I knew her love was for *me*, and me only, and it was so awesome. I learned along time ago to say this prayer (it was originally about addictions) to the universe to 'remove the obsession and replace it with something positive. I felt like my prayer got answered a bit in the dream, like it was saying, there is hope. I am going to be careful to not get an obsession about the dream girl though...I don't need another one.

You may well be right, about there being hope! One thing that helped me with obsessions, was to get to the heart of what was fueling the obsession. I used to have a crush on this one guy. I finally sat down and tried to make a list of all the things that I liked about him. I then had to admit that I wasn't sure if he really had all of those attributes. It was mostly projection of my fantasy onto him, because he was convenient. (Also, he was very attractive.) I thought that he was gentle, compassionate, fair, loyal, loved animals, was loyal, trustworthy, and cared about the earth. I used to watch him interact with his wife, and he sounded loving and caring. Then, I learned that he was cheating on his wife, and with her best friend, of all people. Surprise, surprise!

What I learned from all this, was to keep that list of qualities that I was projecting onto my obsession, and look for a man who really was like that. The guy that I am dating now, has most of those qualities. Psychologists say that we get obsessed with people who embody the qualities that we perceive as lacking, or weak, in ourselves.

I've had this problem very severely, with severely people, and still suffer from it. I am supposed to do the rubberband snapping thing whenever I get obsessive thoughts. I also take anxiety medication which helps. Reading sometimes can occupy my mind and I try to journal out all my thoughts so I feel less like I have to think them over and over. I miss people very intensely and have a lot of difficulty in letting go, no matter how terribly they treated me. My boyfriend has helped a lot in me getting over an ex and a (former) best friend.

Oh dear, I've been there. For the same reason too. I can't believe I was so obsessed with getting back together with him. I slept with him after we broke up, then 2 weeks later he's dating another girl. And now he's seeing another girl as well.
I really don't think much about him anymore. I still talk to him on Facebook. But yeah, I would never go back to him.

I was obsessed with a Welsh singer because he added me on MySpace. I was such a fangirl back then, I did some regretful thing but we're still friends and I contact him occasionally. I can keep control of myself now.

I'm obsessed with another band member now, but he's a bit older. I still have this habit of wanting become their best friend though. I did with that Welsh singer, so now I want to be friends with every band member I meet.

Do you guys ever find yourself copying neurotypicals? Especially the people you are obsessed about?

I used to obsess about my father. He is a very cool and social man and I always admired him. But the fact that I tried to adopt his personality and mannerisms really wasnt a good way of living and I stopped cold turkey. Besides my dad I basiclly stopped obsessing voer people since about 5 or 6 years ago in highschool. I realised very early in life that I wouldnt be able to have good social relationships and that I need to work towards being content with lonelyness and even possibly Abstenense. I do agree that when you can absorb yourself with an obsession that isnt another person, even though it still isnt "healthy" it is better than obsessing over a person in the long run.

I certainly have the problem of obsessing over lovers. This used to manifest itself horribly when I was younger because I felt it was terribly difficult to find anyone I could have a real relationship with at all.

What eventually happened is I got into the wrong relationship and was too afraid to get out of it. It turned out I found myself attracted to someone else who was a little interested in me. We decided to take a chance and see where the relationship would go, which started with a painful breakup with my then-girlfriend.

The hardest part is that we had become so co-dependent. And that's a scary place to be when you realize the relationship is clearly over. You're wrong for each other, but you can't live/function without the other person, either. I very carefully timed the end of the relationship with the beginning of summer/end of the college semester so that the ensuing problems wouldn't interfere with exams and final projects. It also represented a clean, fresh start and a period of time of getting over it. For me, this was easy because my energy was directed elsewhere.

Of course, things didn't work out in that relationship, either. And when things fell apart, two things happened: I couldn't stop running after this other girl, and my former ex wouldn't leave me alone. This was partly my fault for allowing myself to take comfort in her presence, but I couldn't seem to effectively communicate that I had no interest in any lasting reconciliation!

I ended up with someone who was coming out of a terribly abusive relationship. It took a long time, but I managed to put all that ugliness behind me. I really just came to an epiphany that I was wasting my time chasing this other girl who wouldn't really have been very good for me in the long run. It seemed at the time I was settling for someone I didn't love as much but who did at least love me enough to hang on. I gave in to it because I realized it was a worthwhile and healthy relationship, that she was every bit as much a good friend and constant companion as she was someone I could have a serious, deep, emotional and physical relationship with.

Sometimes getting over those obsessions and apparently "settling" really means finding the best match. The result speak for themselves: we've been together 10 years now!