How do you let someone know you're interested?

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One more catch that I couldn't fit in the title: I wanted the title to read 'how do you let someone know you are interested without it being considered sexual harassment?' Sorry in advance if this is long.

I hope that if you are answering this question you are aware of how easily you can get in trouble for sexual harassment in America.

A little over 3 years ago I had to go to a mandatory sexual harassment seminar, not for getting in trouble, it was required for everyone. That seminar scared the crap out of me. You can get in trouble for awkward stares or even for giving someone the middle finger because it can be construed as a phallic symbol. Ever since then I have been terrified to approach women because I know that I am somewhat awkward in social situations.

I have a suspicion that I am not the only person here who has this issue.

One reason I am asking is that recently there is a girl who I met who I think might be interested in me. I'm not sure, though. She'd be a catch, she's 19, hot, and quite smart. For some reason she is a little easier for me to talk to than most people. One reason I think she might be interested is that the other day she touched me 4 times in one day when we were assigned to work on a group project with several other people, the first was a poke to get my attention, the next two times she grabbed my arm and asked me to retrieve something for her, the next time was at night when she spotted me walking around and snuck up behind me and grabbed me by the shoulders to surprise me but then she wanted to talk. I have heard from other posts on this site that if a girl likes you she will find excuses to touch a guy. One reason I am not so sure is that I have noticed that she is physically playful with many other guys so she might just be a touchy feely person.

I'd like to test the waters and let her know I'm interested but I'd want to know how to do that without risking getting in trouble.

This is going to sound really simplistic, but ask her if she'd like to join you for coffee on a lunch break, the intent is perfectly clear and yet you've got an out in that you could always say you wanted to talk about something work related.

What kind of trouble? Fired? Jail? For looking at a woman?

This is a conspiracy to enforce everyone to be gay!

I've heard of ... I'll call them "ping-pong" lawsuits ...
and you should sue your employer for sexual harassment
for making the workplace a sexually scary place
where you can't even LOOK at someone ...
THAT'S LEGITIMATE, I BELIEVE!

And necessary for JUSTICE.

How much more hurt is getting fired or jailed than being seen?
How much more hurt is being alone and getting in trouble than being seen?
Would the girl get in trouble for touching you if it was painful like for some Aspies?
Is the girl likely to get in trouble anyway?

ask her to meet up with you to discuss a project. then pay for her drink and ask about personal stuff.

First, a clarification. There are a lot of clues to be found if a girl is receptive to you. However, they don't necessarily mean they are romantically interested. For instance the touching thing. It simply means she feels at least somewhat comfortable with you. It does not mean she 'likes you' in a romantic sense.

Not saying you should cool your jets. No. Just clarifying so that you don't presume too much. So by all means, pursue her, but don't try and jump straight into pulling her into a relationship. Instead, gradually find ways to spend more time and get closer. When you have the opportunity outside work, flirt, toss in some super-mild innuendo if it seems okay, be playful, be fun, do not be self conscious, do not be nervous, do not hesitate and wonder what to say.

The coffee/lunch idea is good, although it might be a tad uncomfortable due to the 'date' overtones it gives. If you can devise something more fun and relaxed, preferably after work, it will help your case. The time slot, wedged within work hours, makes problems gives serious road-blocks. Until you find something better though it's not too bad.

As a minor detail, I don't think it's a good idea to pay for her stuff. That does not help, as it sends signals that subtly undermine you.

Once you're both feeling comfortable, one convo that might go over well (...or might not, depending on how you read her... you be the judge) is to bring up this over-the-top seminar you went to 3 years ago. Describe the stuff they said, and ask her what she thinks. Ask her how she'd respond if someone said [blah] around her. Bare in mind, this is meant to be a very light-hearted and fun conversation, with laughs and smiles, and you don't exude any self-consciousness about the topic. This way you can get an opportunity to get some counter-balance to the seminar's scare-fest, which you're obviously concerned about. And it also gives you an idea of her boundaries. Finally, depending on the specifics, it gives you an oh-so-cheeky lead-in to flirt that will definitely prompt a laugh if the tone is right. Good stuff.
Bare in mind though, that if you don't follow it up with flirting, then you send out a strong a-sexual vibe, and will strongly pull you toward the friend-zone. Which you don't want.

The unfortunate thing about your circumstance is that if she's a particularly attractive, smart, affable lady, then you'll be competing against potentially a lot of guys. She probably gets flirted with on a somewhat regular basis by guys who exude confidence, and might also seem like basically good guys. They are your competition. If you do not more-or-less 'measure up' in her mind, then you're stuck as platonic friends with her. Therefore, to a certain limited point, you might have to be somewhat more aggressive or otherwise not-shy in order to be competitive.
This is only on the assumption she gets a lot of attention.

Pretty gnarly situation, with the anti-harassment context in the background, heh.
It's a tightrope, I tells ya. But you can ensure you make forward progress, and avoid harassment pitfalls, if you make it obvious that you want to hang out while you're not working, and flirt when you're not working.

And yeah, never stare. Ew.

I'm in the same boat too, I am sure I've pissed off a lot of potential partners because of my inability to speak or convey intentions.

I've actually had a girl in the gym practically make eye contact many times over a few years
and eventually become intimidated and probably thinks I am some kind of snob.

I also have others who I am only able to say basic pleasantries like "Hi, how are you" and couldn't carry it further than that even though I'm pretty sure they would have been more than willing to converse more.

Girls give so many mixed signals, sometimes they may touch you and it means nothing to them. I have had girls grab my arm while walking by simply because they liked me. I've even been hugged a couple times but in non-romantic ways. Some girls use physical contact as a meaning of saying hello and nothing more. They do that to their friends too. I know because in the past I thought girls that showed me extra attention liked me in romantic ways and I couldn't be more wrong. My main warning is to never assume anything. A girl doesn't like you unless she is direct and actually says, I really like you and I want you to be my boyfriend. Okay so the girls never do the asking but that's the only way I'd be convinced enough to know that they actually did want me.

Anyhow to get back to your main topic, If there's a girl I like that I want to know I have interest in, I simply pay extra attention to her. All I do is be as nice as possible, talk to her any chance I can and to be a good listener. I also try to boost her ego too by saying any compliments that fits the situation. I even try my stupid humor because making a girl laugh is a good feeling.

Last edited by Homer_Bob on 10 Mar 2010, 8:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You should ask her for her number:) Tell her that you think you both should go out sometime and go bowling or whatever you like to do.

The answers are all over the place. Coffee date, pay, or no don't pay, ask for her number, make her laugh (already have done this several times). Last Friday she asked me what I was doing on the weekend. I said I had no plans, she said the same. I wonder if that was a missed opening.

Fired, yes. Jail, I don't think so. Ostracism and stigma, yes. For looking at a woman. Or a guy.

I think now it would be helpful if I laid out the history behind this:

Back in the 60's or so there was a movement that had the noble intention of getting equal rights for women, in the workplace and elsewhere. This was called the feminist movement. Unfortunately, like the worker union movement, the good intentions were corrupted. My theory for how this happened was that there was a group of lesbians that was living together that decided to join the feminist movement, the reason I theorize they were living together is because I have heard studies that say that in all girl college dorms the girls on the same floor will have the time of their periods synchronized.

Regardless, somehow a group of lesbians that were all on their period at the same time joined the feminist cause. At this point they became the Angry Lesbian Feminists or ALF for short which is fitting because ALFs really do have a physical resemblance to the TV character, albeit with less charming personalities.



With the advent of cloning and in vitro fertilization the ALFs felt that humanity had no need for men anymore. You could say it is a conspiracy. In the future when all babies are born through the test tube they plan to only have female babies. Until they get that kind of power they have to deal with the existing men. They would prefer it if all men had their male genitalia removed, though I rather like my genitalia so that scares me.

So the ALFs decided to do the next best thing. Angry lesbians get very irritated when they think a man shows interest in them (personally I don't see how a straight man finds an ALF attractive). So what do they do? They come up with the concept of sexual harassment. Ironically this backfired on them, because the sexual harassment rules had to be applied to women making other women feel uneasy, too. So there, ALFs.



Actually, in theory, she could get in trouble for that.



Only if I reported it, which I won't.



This would actually be risking sexual harassment. If she actually feels like you are paying her too much attention but she is too afraid to tell you for whatever reason, she could report it.

Sexual harassment goes unreported all the time, it's so commonplace almost everyone would get in trouble otherwise. I'm just nervous about this because I get the feeling that being socially awkward I have a higher likelihood of being reported and then becoming a complete social pariah. A blow one chance blow your future chances sort of thing.

(Quoting GoatOnFire)

This would actually be risking sexual harassment. If she actually feels like you are paying her too much attention but she is too afraid to tell you for whatever reason, she could report it.

Sexual harassment goes unreported all the time, it's so commonplace almost everyone would get in trouble otherwise. I'm just nervous about this because I get the feeling that being socially awkward I have a higher likelihood of being reported and then becoming a complete social pariah. A blow one chance blow your future chances sort of thing.[/quote]
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Just goes to show you that I know nothing then. That's why I don't even bother.

You are not going to get anywhere if your worried about sexual harassment. All you can do is treat people with respect.

When she said she was doing nothing at the same time you were doing nothing that was an opportunity to ask her to do something. If you get a chance to ask her out for coffee again do it and if she says no leave it at that. I seriously doubt she is out to get you in trouble because if she is why isn't she just making up a story about how you sexually harassed her.

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Just goes to show you that I know nothing then. That's why I don't even bother.[/quote]
I don't know about that. You sound a lot like me, my guess is that we're both being too careful. To win at this game you need to be willing to gamble. I don't particularly like gambling, it doesn't give me a thrill, and I have virtually no risk of becoming a compulsive gambler.



I'm sure this is true. The question is where it would get me.



I'm sure she's not out to get me in trouble. However, I don't think I can quite give justice over the internet how poor I am at body language, tone, or social timing. I just can't shake the fear that I would somehow blow it so badly that I would freak her out enough to report me if I were to try something.

I started this thread to see if this is actually a common occurrence among the members here. A search for the reason it can be so hard despite all the advice.

This is a tough call. It appears that she is interested in you but since she is a coworker she is off-limits, especially for an Aspie. A pretty boy NT might be able to get away with it but we can't. Since she is 19 she may not be aware of the fact that she is crossing a line she shouldn't be crossing. When it comes to work it is best to always err on the side of caution.

This is a good point. I think it's true that we are somewhat more prone to being reported, simply due to the nature of how we tend to misunderstand.

This is why I think it's a good idea to take it well outside of the job-place, and avoid lunch dates. So long as it's long after work, and you keep your work-time 100% kosher, then you run very little risk.

step 1: write anonymous note explaining feelings
step 2: tie to brick
step 3: chuck brick through window of whichever room she happens to be occupying
step 4: run like hell

of course i'm joking

Or, how about 'how to show interest without scaring the person right the *&^% off...?'