If your child is bullied at school what tips do you give?

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My 8 year old sister was punched in the forehead and the boy got into trouble this boy has punched her once in the past. My parents say hit back so I was curious if WP parents had any tips on this issue? Since it has only happen twice I see it as a non issue (unless it starts happening more frequently it was once last year then today thats a year!) Do you believe in the "hit them back" advice? Thanks.

its prison rules. all about escilation. he punches her. she hits him with a brick. keep going til one wises up and stops

School policy is either ignore it or report it. My son has had in school suspension and been suspended for a day for fighting back. Things got better after that so maybe a day at home is worth it if it sends the message she won't tolerate being bullied. The school has to follow policy, whether they agree with it or not.

Hitting and ANYTHING physically violent should not be ignored. That should be brought to the immediate attention of the school. (And if that doesn't work - the police.) Most schools have very strict rules regarding physical violence. The bad part is - the kid who get's tired of being bullied or hit will receive the same punishment as the bully that instigates the action.

We've 'allowed' our kids to make that choice for themselves. They are never to instigate a problem - but we will back them up 100% if they need to defend themselves.

I worry more about some of the mental and emotional abuse some of these kids can pummel other kids with. There are kids as young as 10 and 11 - maybe younger - committing suicide because they're being bullied. It's happening more and more. If this were some virus or cancer that kills children indescriminately - EVERY parent would be marching in the streets and demanding something be done. But it seems like the only people who care enough to try to stop it are the parents of victims. The parents of the kids doing to victimizing either don't care, think it's 'normal' or in some cases - encourage it. It's sick. Maybe the parents sould be held accountable for the actions of their bully child.

The two times that bullying became a problem for my kids' - not the regular playground stuff - bullying that was becoming a threat or some sort of weird mission to single out my kid to torment - we talked to the kids' about what they should say or do. First option is always to avoid or walk away. If that doesn't work - tell them to leave you alone. Third step is a warning - stop or I will make you stop. Last option - pound on them. Fortunately it's never escalated beyond the 3rd step. The kids' did let someone at school know what was going and asked why the person was being such a jerk to them. In both of those cases we later found out that the kid had some severe problems at home and was picking on other kids. (Abuse can be cyclical - and if ya don't have a victim available at home - you find one were you can - for a kid - it's school.) That's no excuse to pick on another child - but the bully is 'outed' and the school can do whatever schools do about kids like that. And they can keep closer tabs on the bully to make sure he/she hasn't just changed targets.

You don't "win" by hitting back. Hitting back is a last resort, and might be effective when there aren't teachers seeing what is going on, but even then only maybe. Since the teachers are seeing what is happening, and taking action, hitting back will only get your sister in trouble, too.

At our elementary school, children are taught to verbally stand up to bullies. When you show strength, that you are not afraid, and that you will not engage with the bully, the bully loses his power, and will generally give up. Showing strength is, of course, the theory behind hitting back, as well, but it can have the opposite effect: showing that while you are willing to hit back, you also are weaker in a fight, and thus enboldening the bully. If a child is going to hit back, they should be darn sure they are the stronger fighter. That certainty is hard to come by, and showing strength by words and the ability to walk away is the better bet.

Bullies like to pick on kids who they get a good reaction from or who aren't going to fight them back. When I started ignoring the taunts, throwing them back at them, or if it became physical, fighting back, the bullying stopped. The only problem I ever had was when I was in 7th grade and one kid was a bully, but also proud and spiteful. Any retaliation against him, and he would escalate it. We ended up both beaten, bloodied, and in a lot of trouble.

Fighting back isn't always the best thing to do, but simply taking it and not doing anything in return (like telling an adult, for instance) will only lead to further bullying.

For my girlfriend's son Billy (10 year old aspie), I am going to follow her lead, though. It isn't really my place as a soon-to-be step father to tell him whether or not to fight back, but as someone who was "different" myself (intelligent socially awkward nerd), at least I had the experience to draw from when I do give advice.

It really depends on what the 'bullying' is.

For example, 6 year olds children calling each other stupid head may indeed qualifying for bullying. But you would handle it completely differently then teenage boys physically assaulting each other.

General rule is if that if the bullying is just mocking/teasing the first thing to do is simply tell the other person that you aren't interested in hearing their stupidity, and tell them to go away. If they start escalating it from there by mocking you more, then you just fight fire with fire and make them look idiotic for even trying it. There are some fun phrases that I learned for dealing with this stuff.

For example:

Bully: Hey stupid face, what are you doing?

Me: Hmm? I'm sorry, did you say something? I have my hearing aid set to filter out idiots, I think it was blocking you.

Bully: What, you have an imaginary hearing aid?

Me: Of course not you idiot, I was simply pointing out that your stupid, or are you too dense to realize that?

Bully: Im not stupid! you are!

Me: Ok, you can tell yourself whatever makes you feel better. But do it someplace else where your not bothering me.

If the bullying is physical then you have to defend yourself.

I had an older brother and we wrestled/fought like brothers do. So, I had plenty of experience defending myself in a fight. The only person who actually attacked me in school quickly found his face in his desk and he stopped bothering me.

I know that it seems mean, and indeed it is. But that is the point. I hate to say it but at ages 8+ having your parent or teacher go to bat for you just gets you more ostracized. You really have to defend yourself if your going to get your peers to not bully you. It is much better to be a bit rude to people who deserve it then to allow your self to be miserable for other's entertainment. The worst case scenario is that the other child who started this thing goes and complains to the teacher. And if he does that then your child can just explain that he started it. The worst case scenario here is that both your child and the bully wind up in detention once or twice until the bully learns you aren't a good target.

in K...my daughter had a very persisitent bully. I made all the mistakes, telling her to ignore him...read a book...etc. But finally I wrote a letter to the busdriver. When I reported it, the school responded quickly and decisively. Other mother was called, she called and apologized...and so did he. My daughter was picked on a lot for being different when she was young...so she's now developed a 'thicker skin'...which isn't necessarily a good thing, as I never wanted her to be 'the bully or the bullied'. While she's not a bully, she presents herself as tough at first (I think this is one reason the beginning of school is hard), she plays tough until she is comfortable with people and situations. Plus she's big (giantess...very tall) so she says because of her size, people no longer mess with her. I wish all kids could be that lucky.

B

Apparently it can vary a lot by the environment and community the child is in.

At the elementary school my kids went to/go to, I know that refusing to engage WORKED. This is not the same as walking away or ignoring: the school teaches kids to make a strong verbal response, like, "don't you have something better to do than to try to pick on me?" and then walk away. But there isn't a whole group of kids sweating the bully, either - the bullies tend to be alone in their bullying, without support from anyone. It's like a last dtich effort to gain social standing. In that environment, the bully can and will learn that physical action isn't going to gain anything for them.

Hitting back is a mixed bag. It can be an invitation to fight more, or a warning not to pick on you. That will vary by age, community, and how good the kid is at fighting. My two kids would lose in a second ... no point in teaching that. It's not like they could find a brick nearby to escalate things, and I seriously wouldn't want them to. A brick to the head can result in manslaughter, and I would rather have my child deal with bullies than sit in jail.

My son got punched last week, I think posted that in another thread. Not by a child normally considered a bully, but by a former friend. He knows that I would not want him to punch back, and he didn't. What he's got now are kids rallying around him because he showed that he is the better person. Not the weak and insecure kids - they are more easilly intimidated. But some of the most popular and strong kids at school, willing to send a clear message that it's not right. And, oh yeah, we can collectively punch your lights out if you don't agree with us. He alone could never succeed in a fight; but by drawing in the group support, he'll never have to. Is that other child thinking my son copped out relying on others? Who cares. My bet is he is jealous as hell, because his reason for picking on my child was that he had slowly concluded he was dragging down his social standing. Seems like the play out is showing quite clearly that the only one who can drag down his social standing is himself.

Would it play out that way for every child? No, probably not. I know that this whole dynamic incubated among a special group of kids together at a unique time in the evolution of their elementary school. But it is a good way of pointing out that those who say "hit back" can't be right in all situations. You've got to have a feel for the community the child is in.