Infidelity/Cheating: Your Take

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ttqs84
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12 Mar 2010, 11:06 pm

a lot of people are capable of being unfaithful to their significant others.
i, personally, had only one boyfriend (and the last one i'll ever have) for a month. i clearly had no interest in any other guy but him. as much as i know, he hasn't been with other girls while we were together. we broke up amicably because we were heading off to different paths in our lives.

i believe that i'd be incapable of cheating on a significant other because i know that no one else will ever take interest in me. i think that people will cheat on their partner for someone better. i guess that's how it works. so, it's likely that i'll get cheated on for someone perfectly normal and prettier. maybe sluttier.

what's your take on infidelity? were you involved in that situation somehow?



Hector
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12 Mar 2010, 11:11 pm

From my experience of feeling let down by women who I wasn't even in relationships with, I imagine that I would find it quite devastating. I can't really say with confidence how I'd feel in a relationship but I also imagine I'd be faithful if only because, as you said, I can't take what I have for granted.



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12 Mar 2010, 11:57 pm

My earliest experiences with the opposite sex were gut-wrenching to say the least! My problems stemmed from a deep fear of always being alone.

The lowest point for me was a intensely co-dependent relationship that I was deeply and in every way committed to. While it was a wonderful relationship early on for a long time, the biggest mistake I made was getting into it at such an early age--we'll just say early teens. Consequently it was difficult to even want to get away from, so I ended up cheating several times. As hard as it was living with the guilt, the treatment I was getting from my girlfriend was gradually deteriorating. I learned quickly to keep my mouth SHUT.

We broke up when I stopped caring whether we got our act together or not--in fact, I didn't even WANT to try to work things out anymore. We'd been "working it out" for 4 years by this point.

Time passed and I ended up in another committed relationship. So it happened that school took me over 1300 miles away from home. Cheating (this time on both sides) was unavoidable. But after coming home it was only a matter of time before we got married. The closest I've come to cheating since was rehearsing some kissing scenes for a community theater production--and yes, my wife knew about it and teased me about it every day!! !

I know I couldn't spend time away from my family, and thankfully I don't have to. I'd never do something like that at this point in my life. In my case, it would be a terribly stupid thing to do.



Sound
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13 Mar 2010, 6:13 am

Ahhh, infidelity. My favorite subject.

I think people who believe they're incapable of cheating are being naive. Everyone can cheat. It's just a matter of your partner doing enough to drive you away, and you having a bad day.

As implied by that statement, I believe that one person cheating is conceived both people. The one who cheated is not the only guilty party. If two people had committed to each other at some point, and really meant it in their hearts at the time then something happened to change what was in their heart. Chances are that it wasn't simply some hot guy/girl who came along, it was a dissatisfaction with their partner.

This is why I feel it is so important for an individual to strive to be as emotionally healthy as possible, and to keep maintaining themselves, and never slack off. If you slack off, or become a burden, then you're slowly eroding away from being the person that your fiance had once committed to. Or, if you were never emotionally healthy and fit to begin with, then it potentially takes less to lose the interest and commitment of your fiance.

People are fickle. For as compassionate as we are capable of being, we are all equally capable of being selfish, and slipping. We all have bad days. But you can do things to safeguard against those slips, you can take out insurance. You can continually improve who you are. Not just for yourself, but for your partner. If you never leave our partner wanting for quality of character, if you can keep them intimately satisfied, then there's relatively little to fear.

Is that a lot of pressure? Yes, a ton. But look at the rate of divorce in our country.
What are YOU going to do to keep yourself out of that statistic?

I was cheated on once, and it hurt. I've forgiven her, though - I realized that, in part, it was my fault. And by realizing that, and forgiving her, now I have enabled myself to be a better person, and reap the benefits.
If I follow through, that is.... That's the hard part.

I'll tell ya what really gets my goat though... Women who cheat, and pretend it didn't happen using the "It didn't count" rationalization. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Not saying women cheat more, I believe it's about equal to men(Tho I can't back that up). But that specific rationalization just sends fire through my veins. Men do their own version, and it's stupid too, but the "didn't count" thing... Urgh. It's ethically repulsive.



ursaminor
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13 Mar 2010, 6:45 am

This is one of the reasons I would like to remain out of romantic relationships.
But maybe this is better fit for that other thread.

Question;
"Sound, why would it not count? That makes no sense! I thought rationalizations were supposed to contain logic?"



Sound
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13 Mar 2010, 7:19 am

ursaminor wrote:
This is one of the reasons I would like to remain out of romantic relationships.
But maybe this is better fit for that other thread.

Infidelity sucks, particularly if you're possessive or insecure, but it isn't the end of the world. There's no way that it's enough of a reason to avoid relationships, man.

ursaminor wrote:
Question;
"Sound, why would it not count? That makes no sense! I thought rationalizations were supposed to contain logic?"

Not saying I understand it... lol.
But I've seen two different women on separate occasions say something to that effect in front of my very eyes, as the girls were just gabbing amongst themselves. I doubt I misunderstood. And I got the distinct impression, both there, and from elsewhere, that this is not uncommon.

They seemed to be of the opinion that their emotional state, or some piece of recent history, or their level of intoxication comprised a mitigating factor, somehow.

I can forgive errors in fidelity... It's SO human of us, really, though I hope I never do it. But to pretend or convince yourself that it didn't really happen... Or that you didn't actually break your bond? That makes me sick.
That is far worse than simply lying to others about it, and hoping you don't get in trouble, IMO.



Athenacapella
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13 Mar 2010, 10:56 am

I've never cheated. Not even a kiss.



ttqs84
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13 Mar 2010, 11:29 am

Sound wrote:

I think people who believe they're incapable of cheating are being naive. Everyone can cheat. It's just a matter of your partner doing enough to drive you away, and you having a bad day.



i think the most important factor of a good relationship is communication. that way both people can address their issues in a reasonable and logical manner. if someone starts a relationship with me, understands me, and accepts me for who i am, i can't take it for granted just like Hector said. if i'm not satisfied, i'll address the problem to my boyfriend (that is if i'll ever have another one in life). but i have to accept reality as it is: i'll never be good enough for any guy because men want someone more beautiful & perfect. me as an Aspie, i will never have those kinds of qualities or that kind of happiness in life.



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13 Mar 2010, 11:43 am

I've cheated before. From my experience, when it comes to that, the relationship is over anyway and the one who wants to cheat should have the stones to break it off. At that time, I didn't. Having sex with another woman was an act of defience for me as I was in a controlling relationship it felt liberating.



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13 Mar 2010, 2:23 pm

Cheating is just another form of lying. I've never had a girlfriend so I have no experience with this situation. Nevertheless, if I had a girlfriend, I never would cheat on her because I would see no reason to; one is enough. If I find another girl that's better, I'd simply dump the girlfriend I currently had and I'd tell her that I didn't want to be with her anymore and that would be it. I'd do a clean break before seeing someone else, I'd expect her to do the same. Why go through the charade of cheating? Dumping someone first is a lot easier.


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t0
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13 Mar 2010, 2:53 pm

ttqs84 wrote:
i believe that i'd be incapable of cheating on a significant other because i know that no one else will ever take interest in me. i think that people will cheat on their partner for someone better.


You've dodged the issue. What would you do if 1) You were with someone, and 2) Someone else became an obsession? Would you cheat, dump the person you're with, avoid the obsession, or something else?

I've been married for 10+ years and have not cheated. I would rather kill myself than put my wife through the emotional pain that cheating would cause.



PLA
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13 Mar 2010, 4:53 pm

t0 wrote:
ttqs84 wrote:
i believe that i'd be incapable of cheating on a significant other because i know that no one else will ever take interest in me. i think that people will cheat on their partner for someone better.


You've dodged the issue. What would you do if 1) You were with someone, and 2) Someone else became an obsession? Would you cheat, dump the person you're with, avoid the obsession, or something else?

I've been married for 10+ years and have not cheated. I would rather kill myself than put my wife through the emotional pain that cheating would cause.

What about the emotional pain that suicide would cause? :?


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ttqs84
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13 Mar 2010, 5:49 pm

t0 wrote:
ttqs84 wrote:
i believe that i'd be incapable of cheating on a significant other because i know that no one else will ever take interest in me. i think that people will cheat on their partner for someone better.


You've dodged the issue. What would you do if 1) You were with someone, and 2) Someone else became an obsession? Would you cheat, dump the person you're with, avoid the obsession, or something else?


i thought i answered that already. don't you read?



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13 Mar 2010, 7:34 pm

Sound, I understand what you mean about both parties having a responsibility to keep a relationship strong, but I do believe that the fault and blame of the act of cheating lies squarely on the shoulders of the cheater.

If a relationship is floundering, there are many ways to deal with it, from talking about issues to ending the whole thing. As far as I am concerned, cheating is refusing to give the other person a chance to offer their side of the story or help thrash things out. The cheater is selfishly saying "I'm not happy, here's what I am going to do about it" rather than consider the other person in the relationship.

I'm not saying that the other party is a saint; they may be controlling or emotionally distant, and perhaps there have been attempts to sort out issues and deal with them before, but if none of these have worked and you're still not happy, leave! Not having the balls/ovaries to break up is not a good enough excuse to go behind the other person's back.



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13 Mar 2010, 7:38 pm

I would never ever cheat. I don't understand people who do it. When I love someone, I'm completely focused on them. Why get into a relationship (which to me is something sacred and heh, ultimately unattainable) if you're going to cheat?


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