Infidelity/Cheating: Your Take

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happymusic
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23 Mar 2010, 8:11 pm

@ Visagrunt,
Very interesting post. I was in a same sex relationship once that had a very different quality in that it was very open. Also, my husband can handle me in an extra relationship with a woman, but be a lot less easy about the company of a male. I think it might be a competitive thing in this case.



ttqs84
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25 Mar 2010, 10:48 am

happymusic wrote:
@ Visagrunt,
Very interesting post. I was in a same sex relationship once that had a very different quality in that it was very open. Also, my husband can handle me in an extra relationship with a woman, but be a lot less easy about the company of a male. I think it might be a competitive thing in this case.


now i don't want to sound mean or ignorant, but do you bring a woman in the relationship just 'cos you want to or do you do it to fulfill your husband's sexual fantasies? personally, i don't understand that because i don't ever wanna submit into becoming a sex slave that everybody wants (as if it's glamorous these days).
if you're lesbian or bisexual, fine (i got nothing against that). but doing such a thing for your husband, isn't that a form of degradation? sorry if this sounds offensive.



happymusic
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25 Mar 2010, 4:18 pm

ttqs84 wrote:
happymusic wrote:
@ Visagrunt,
Very interesting post. I was in a same sex relationship once that had a very different quality in that it was very open. Also, my husband can handle me in an extra relationship with a woman, but be a lot less easy about the company of a male. I think it might be a competitive thing in this case.


now i don't want to sound mean or ignorant, but do you bring a woman in the relationship just 'cos you want to or do you do it to fulfill your husband's sexual fantasies? personally, i don't understand that because i don't ever wanna submit into becoming a sex slave that everybody wants (as if it's glamorous these days).
if you're lesbian or bisexual, fine (i got nothing against that). but doing such a thing for your husband, isn't that a form of degradation? sorry if this sounds offensive.


It's ok, no offense taken. I could have been clearer. The open same sex relationship I mentioned was before I met my husband and it was that one that was really my central focus (re: your question: I am bi). The ones I've had since meeting him have been of my own initiative and he has been included only in one. I didn't intend to imply that I did it for him. He is also not a womanizing kind of guy - he's one of the kindest people I've ever met.



Sound
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25 Mar 2010, 8:24 pm

ttqs84 wrote:
...Personally, i don't understand that because i don't ever wanna submit into becoming a sex slave that everybody wants (as if it's glamorous these days).
... but doing such a thing for your husband, isn't that a form of degradation?

Moral degradation only exists within the mind, an imagined thing, along with any set of moralities. If neither party sees anything wrong with an open relationship, then their perception of their marriage's sanctity is perhaps identical to the perspective of a couple in a monogamous relationship.

Another way of looking at it: How specifically is such an arrangement degrading? Without citing a tradition or taboo as a reason unto itself.



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28 Mar 2010, 11:06 pm

I don't believe in a truly honest monogamous relationship anymore. One in which two people completely confide in each other, take care of each other, even breathe just for each other and want and will stay together for the rest of their lives.

I've been in a few relationships, and was disappointed with what I experienced.

If I ever get in a relationship again, I might cheat, I might not. I can't take relationships serious anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. Why would I be honest? Why would I be faithful? Relationships aren't exactly holy to me anymore. They are things which come and go, and are mainly good for short periods of having someone to talk to and sex.

I just decided I'll live day by day, doing what I feel like doing, not worrying about what other people think or feel. That attitude seems to do well for most people, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

It's not like it'd be that much of a change, too, since I have never known empathy anyway.
But I had my principles. Threw them out the window.
And I cared when people disliked me. But I'm not going to care for that any longer.



Postures
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29 Mar 2010, 12:00 am

^That's a good attitude to have. I'm naive I guess. I still think absolute and total monogamy is possible with the right person. I don't think I could cheat, whenever I fall for someone I am completely focused on them.


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Daniella
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29 Mar 2010, 1:21 am

Postures wrote:
^That's a good attitude to have. I'm naive I guess. I still think absolute and total monogamy is possible with the right person. I don't think I could cheat, whenever I fall for someone I am completely focused on them.


You know, after you get past the "puppy phase" you might have at the beginning of a relationship, stuff always just... seems to die. One of you loses interest. One of you will not be as obsessed anymore. It sucks to be the first one losing interest, but it sucks even more to be the last. I don't think eternal obsession with a person exists. Days, weeks, months, sure. Maybe a few years. But that's it, nothing eternal, it will end sooner or later, and the pain is immense.



astaut
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29 Mar 2010, 2:35 am

I don't really understand the point of cheating. IMO, I think you should either just establish that you don't want to be entirely monogamous or if you are monogamous, then break up with your partner if you find someone else you want to date. I knew this girl who would date someone for a while, find a new person, cheat on her current partner with said new person, and repeat the cycle all over again. I never understood the point of that pattern.



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29 Mar 2010, 2:43 pm

Daniella wrote:
I don't think eternal obsession with a person exists.
I'm not sure, on that, but I tend to agree that it might not exist. But then, I wouldn't count obsession as a true form of love. At least, not the idealized love that we each want.

However, so long as both people do the things it takes to maintain it, it is possible to have a high degree of everlasting mutual respect. If you pair that with a certain intensity of affection, if not obsession, then it is possible to have true, sturdy, monogomous commitment.
...If that's what you both wanted.

Either way, have faith, Daniella. How old were you during your first relationship? And how old are you now? Imagine the variety in the next span of years. There is much new to experience that will likely change your mind on some things.



Last edited by Sound on 29 Mar 2010, 2:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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29 Mar 2010, 2:47 pm

astaut wrote:
I don't really understand the point of cheating. IMO, I think you should either just establish that you don't want to be entirely monogamous or if you are monogamous, then break up with your partner if you find someone else you want to date. I knew this girl who would date someone for a while, find a new person, cheat on her current partner with said new person, and repeat the cycle all over again. I never understood the point of that pattern.

I think a lot of people who cheat simply don't fully understand what they want. On one hand, they really want to be with their current BF/GF/Spouse. On the other hand, something powerful is luring them away, something is making them feel what's been missing, perhaps giving them a validation they lacked, or the excitement that unlike within their relationship. It must be quite confusing.



oohshiny
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29 Mar 2010, 3:53 pm

astaut wrote:
I don't really understand the point of cheating. IMO, I think you should either just establish that you don't want to be entirely monogamous or if you are monogamous, then break up with your partner if you find someone else you want to date. I knew this girl who would date someone for a while, find a new person, cheat on her current partner with said new person, and repeat the cycle all over again. I never understood the point of that pattern.


With the one such woman I've had the experience of dating, it seemed to be a combination of reacting against a broken home and trying to find the very specific piece she wanted to build her life with (right down to the number and gender of kids). I don't know if she was on the spectrum, but she was quite intelligent and kept very busy out in the mundane world.

Daniella wrote:
(Relationships) are things which come and go, and are mainly good for short periods of having someone to talk to and sex.


If all you want are short term sex and conversation partners, you might consider the middle ground of dating someone in an open relationship. They typically aren't as demanding of time, energy and expectations as a monogamous partnership, but they do require a certain dedication to honesty and open communication, and much introspection. It also requires the willingness to make your own rules from scratch and change them as needed, with which it sounds like you're already well on board, and be sure you're ready to play by them as well.

HopeGrows wrote:
It kinda sounds like you're describing polyamory? Isn't cheating kinda impossible in a poly? Or maybe not....I guess if you stray outside the rules of the relationship, it might be considered cheating - I'm not sure.


The "house rules" of many open and poly relationships include restrictions on what constitutes a suitable partner and under what circumstances doing what particular activities with them is acceptable; they're just not an absolute blanket prohibition as in a monogamous relationship. My poly friends still call straying outside the rules "cheating".



Daniella
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31 Mar 2010, 9:41 am

Sound wrote:
I'm not sure, on that, but I tend to agree that it might not exist. But then, I wouldn't count obsession as a true form of love. At least, not the idealized love that we each want.

However, so long as both people do the things it takes to maintain it, it is possible to have a high degree of everlasting mutual respect. If you pair that with a certain intensity of affection, if not obsession, then it is possible to have true, sturdy, monogomous commitment.
...If that's what you both wanted.


Well, there's a difference between being "in love" and just "loving" someone.
"In love" is the obsessive(-ish) kind, and I don't think you can be "in love" with someone all your life.
But what you describe is possible, I guess. Seems to happen more often.

Sound wrote:
Either way, have faith, Daniella. How old were you during your first relationship? And how old are you now? Imagine the variety in the next span of years. There is much new to experience that will likely change your mind on some things.


Maybe there is, but when I enter a relationship now, I won't enter it the same way I have before.
I was 13 during my first relationship, and 18 during my last. I've had 3.

In the first relationship, my boyfriend cheated on me, so I broke up with him. In the second relationship, my girlfriend just suddenly lost interest (which resulted in no attention from her, her forgetting all sorts of things, etc), so I broke up with her. In the third relationship, my girlfriend was so incredibly clingy and impulsive that I couldn't stand it anymore at one point, so I broke up with her.

It's always me actually ending it, but I really felt like I had to. My first partner hurt me immensely, and he didn't care at all, I was nothing to him, apparently. So I ended it, and he just said "okay" and went out with his other "girlfriends".

The second partner seemed all over me at first, and I loved her "back", but after about 8 months all of the sudden that changed from everything to nothing. I asked her if she still liked me, and she said yes. But her actions did not show it. It hurt me greatly, again, and I decided to end it because I'd rather have nothing than... well... something, but nothing. Like the boyfriend, she just said "okay" and that was it.

The third partner was great at first, but she became so obsessive with me I couldn't stand it anymore. She phoned me several times a day, and not just in the first month. Also, she kept being very impulsive "Come over to my place!!" "Let's go to the cinema NOW!" and even though I tried telling her that I'd rather plan things like such, she'd make the classic "big deal" out of it, telling me how horrible it was that I'd rather be at home than with her. Which wasn't true, because all I wanted is knowing what is going to happen at least one day ahead. Anyway, we argued a lot, it just wasn't any fun anymore, and I decided we weren't compatible and ended it. Which hurt as well, by the way, and it turned her into a scary stalker for months.

I kind of had it with "relationships", really. I'm still open to new experiences, but if I ever have another relationship, I will be sure to enter it in an entirely different way. I'm not planning on getting attached within the first year. In the rare case that we still seem compatible after the first year, I might let some feelings in, but before getting there, I'm not planning on actually caring for him or her.


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Avarice
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01 Apr 2010, 2:09 am

I couldn't see myself in one relationship, let alone two.



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02 Apr 2010, 7:20 am

Daniella wrote:
I kind of had it with "relationships", really. I'm still open to new experiences, but if I ever have another relationship, I will be sure to enter it in an entirely different way. I'm not planning on getting attached within the first year. In the rare case that we still seem compatible after the first year, I might let some feelings in, but before getting there, I'm not planning on actually caring for him or her.
By your description, you've had very immature relationships. But that makes sense - You've doubtless matured and changed over the course of those 3 relationships. And you will continue to, as well.

So, though, will other people. That does change the realm of possibility, doesn't it? It's not assured... You never know... But without a doubt, there will be change. So don't go writing it off so quick. ;)