Ode to Nice Guys
Results of gender studies seem to reveal a lot the differences in thinking between men and women when it comes to these matters. Women tend to cherish emotional connection (thus, deeply valuing opposite-sex friendships as they tend to be very emotional friendships) more while men tend to cherish romantic/sexual connection more.
I'm guessing why many women tend to want men to remain friends with them even if she is not attracted to him is a reflection of these differences.
I'm a nice guy, and I have been taken advantage of all my life. I'd rather wallow in my misery than be ideal boyfriend material.
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Northeastern292
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Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what as*holes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should.
And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative b*****s. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Not my words!
Feel free to rip it apart.
I'd say this kind of article is long overdue, and I commend whoever wrote it. I hear so many people who are jerks, even me, even on here, that when I am my genuine self, and stop being an internet warrior, and go back to being the nice guy my friends said I was, someone tells me for the billionth time I would make a great father or husband or bf or fiance even says such bizzare things as "We should totally get Luke a date", and makes me feel like s**t because I've never seriously dated in my life.
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comedic burp
Kjas
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T|Yeah but when you do YOU aren't gonna believe it happened
When I do what exactly? Some five years ago, I had one girl express interest in me after a couple of interactions with her. But as I wasn't attracted to her, and I had an interest in someone else back then, I had to be honest with her and let her know I wasn't interested in a relationship with her. And we left on good notes. And that was that.
If she had called me a manipulative or hateful b***h after that, that would've been her problem, not mine. I know I didn't string her along.
Anyway, why are we getting bitter about this? Did I really say something so offensive?
EDIT: Plus, as a typical Aspie man, I'm very rarely put in a position to reject/accept the love interest of a friend. Most of the time, they reject me.
Gotta, say, when it happens, I usually make it clear that it's a "No" and stop hanging out with then. At least until they get over it.
But either way you take - outright saying no and refusing to hang around (sometimes which they ignore the clear no and keep trying anyway) or not saying anything and letting them hang around - most of them will get pissed and call you a b*tch for it.
It's more about the fact that you rejected them that will lead to them being pissed. I haven't found a way out of it yet. It's very hard to deal with a situation like that gracefully to begin with.
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Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html
In my opinion, outright saying "no" and suggesting to cease contact is more respectable than letting them hang around because they won't just switch feelings off just like that.
And if they persist even after this, then you should react the same way you would when being stalked. What do you do when someone is stalking you?
Kjas
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I agree, but some see it as a betrayal of the friendship if you do that.
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Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html
The_Face_of_Boo
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But either way you take - outright saying no and refusing to hang around (sometimes which they ignore the clear no and keep trying anyway) or not saying anything and letting them hang around - most of them will get pissed and call you a b*tch for it.
It's more about the fact that you rejected them that will lead to them being pissed. I haven't found a way out of it yet. It's very hard to deal with a situation like that gracefully to begin with.
If he is pissed and calls you that just because you clearly told him you were not interested then such a person should not be considered a friend to begin with. They are either immature or jerks. Usually both. You are doing the right thing letting them know from the start. If he can't take it that is his problem.
On the other hand, letting a guy hang around and not saying anything is, in my view, a betrayal of friendship. A big one. Particularly if he is not an immature jerk and he is really just a friend that really likes you and would like to be more than that. Not telling him at all is just stringing him along... and telling him much later, particularly if you knew from the start he had no chance... is what devastates not only the guy's feelings but ruins the friendship... for how can you call someone that deceives you and keeps the deception for a long time a friend? Particularly when its something so personal.
I like this post, but everyone puts themselves in the position of being the nice guy that gets used. If you have any doubts about where things are headed, than have a mature conversation with the girl seeing if your just friends and if you don't want that let her know that your gonna have to move on...
Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but can anyone please explain me what this is about? I just don't get it.
I'm not sure if I'm a "Nice Guy". I usually try to be as nice as possible, but I don't know if I'm perceived that way. I'm pretty sure that I've never been friendzoned (I've never been in a relationship, either), and no-one has ever tried to use me as an "emotional tampon" (see the video above), because people usually don't tell me about their feelings.
To all Nice Guys: Can you tell me how to do it?
The_Face_of_Boo
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I'm not sure if I'm a "Nice Guy". I usually try to be as nice as possible, but I don't know if I'm perceived that way. I'm pretty sure that I've never been friendzoned (I've never been in a relationship, either), and no-one has ever tried to use me as an "emotional tampon" (see the video above), because people usually don't tell me about their feelings.
To all Nice Guys: Can you tell me how to do it?
You need to be more doormat.
I'm not sure if I'm a "Nice Guy". I usually try to be as nice as possible, but I don't know if I'm perceived that way. I'm pretty sure that I've never been friendzoned (I've never been in a relationship, either), and no-one has ever tried to use me as an "emotional tampon" (see the video above), because people usually don't tell me about their feelings.
To all Nice Guys: Can you tell me how to do it?
You need to be more doormat.
People step over me.
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