Everybody's so friggin' busy

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What can you do when everyone you try to be friends with is so busy? When they are so apparently consumed with school and work and their established friendships that they don't have time to pay you any attention? In my experience, busy people are forgetful people, and forgetful people can't be trusted to do anything "later," because they'll forget.

A while ago I gave out my contact information to about 7-8 people who I'd talked to everyday at school, who seemed to enjoy my company, who I generally could connect with and wanted to be friends with. (There are very few people who I have interest in being friends with.) Only one of them used that contact information, but he only used the IM and is barely on. Another person apparently did try calling me, but misread my handwriting, thinking that my sevens were ones or something. However, ironically, after getting the right number she never called it. (She got the right number about a month ago.) I haven't had anyone I'd consider a friend since 5th grade, and the case has always been similar: nobody caring enough to call me. The usual excuse is that they're "busy," with school, work, college applications, hanging out with their established friends, etc.

It just always seems like people are so busy on purpose. I mean, you still gotta have SOME free time, or at least enough free time to hang with your friends a bit. (I hear about this happening in most cases, or they say that they did, or write about it in a blog, or something.) But how the hell to you become one of those friends, even when the person seems to enjoy your company? How do you become friends with people when you do all you can, giving so much to a potential friendship...and never get anything back, and hear the excuse that the person's "busy"? It's especially frustrating because these people usually know that I have asperger's and have trouble making friends. I feel like they should cut me some slack or something, and it really makes me paranoid. The problem with only wanting to be friends with reasonably nice people is that you can never tell if they're just being nice. And the problem with only wanting to be friends with reasonably intelligent people is that they're always so busy with (or in most cases, busy procrastinating on) their homework for all their AP classes. And, you know, I've had AP classes, and I've had truly ridiculous amounts of homework, but I've never lost sleep because of it because I didn't procrastinate.

And then there's MySpace. I have some of those people on my friends list. People add you, and then totally ignore you. So, basically, it's important to say you're someone's friend but it's not so important to actually be their friend? Oh, right, you're all too busy to spend too much time with friends, excluding the people you already hang out with of course.

You know what I need? I need friends (and crushes) who are as dependant and as ridiculously without-a-life as I am, who won't be so busy as to constantly "forget" to give me promised interaction (calls, emails, IM's, whatever), who will actually show interest in seeing or talking me. Because hell--I'm sick of it. I am so sick of people seeming to enjoy conversing with me (despite my interior insecurites about conversing with anyone) and then not seeming to give a damn unless I'm the one doing all the work, unless I'm the one trying to call them or send them emails or MySpace messages/comments or whatever. Nobody tries putting an effort into friendship, though, even when they act like they want to be friends. If everyone else had asperger's, that'd be one thing. I know that practically half of the people in America claim to have OCD, but that's no damn excuse anymore because these days it seems like having OCD or not having it is basically a like gender! I feel like, "Damnit, I'm the socially disabled one. Make it easier for me. Not harder." I mean, hey, I'm busy. I have a lot of work. Doesn't mean I don't also have a lot of free time. Granted, I don't have school every day (or work, apart from writing novels), but I had free time back when I was in school, even when I had AP classes, and I'm sure they do, too, to some degree. It's just a matter of how they choose to spend it. If they'd rather spend their time with other people, fine, let 'em stay in your cliques like everyone else does. I just wish they'd at least be honest about it. And if they're not going to be honest, then I wish they'd be nice and try making my social life a little easier. Because it's not like anyone else I know in real life is.

What are the positive and negatives of OCD to you?

Well, some of the symptoms of it (like asperger's) have both positive and negative aspects, such as obsessions. Some of them, however, are quite limiting--namely the trademark compulsion to do various things, such as rituals or washing one's hands, etc.

The OCD thing wasn't the main point though. It was just a smaller rant within a rant, where every other person I talk to seems to claim to have OCD...heh. Don't worry about that part... >.<

I just find similarities in what people say to relate to myself, so then at least someone responded.

This is exactly how I feel (not about MySpace, just generally). Hmm.. I don't actually know what to say in reply but I can relate to alot of what you said and it really irritates me the way so-called "friends" act in these situations. When you actually try to make an effort to be available, see people and get it all organised, or just give people the opportunity to catch up with you, they never take it. Ahhh so much of what you said in that post relates to part of my current frustration!

Yeah. They may like you when you're around, but out of sight is out of mind.

Last edited by rhubarbpluscustard on 06 Apr 2006, 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That is exactly, to a T how I have felt about my social life over the past decade. The harsh reality is this: They're not busy. Most of my relationships with others have been mostly my effort. Very, very few ever call me on the phone, and the couple that do, do it fairly rarely. I do have about four friends who make an effort with me, but in most (not all) cases, it is me initiating and making the plans. Fortunately, this is a trend that has been slowly changing over the past year.

The "busy" excuse used to plague me up until a few months ago. I find that at the friendship level, girls tend to use that excuse more than guys, but that is only a generalization from my own experience. And to think, back in 2001 when I was 15 years old, I actually believed people. There was this one girl that I was interested in that summer, and I called her on the phone several times. She suggested several times that we "get together", but whenever I tried to act on that and make plans, she was always "busy". And I believed her, hence I kept calling for several months after that. Other people I know were using that excuse constantly with me (see "Friendships damanged beyond repair" thread), and finally I started to become suspicious. I stopped believing people and I began to confront the issue.

Don't ever take the "busy" excuse. They're not really busy. It's just a nice way of saying "I don't like you for who you are, so I'm not going to give you a chance." It's all phony and you should let people know that you don't believe them. That assertiveness wins you points. I lost one friend being assertive, but I've gained others at the same time.

Now, there is also legitimate business, but in those cases the people will usually explain what is going on (can range from mountains of schoolwork to family plans to illness), and they'll offer an opportunity for something in the future. They will make time for you if they like you. I know one girl who is always extremely busy with sports and heavy courseloads (not to mention being a Cadet in the Armed Forces), but she makes time for me when she's in town and I call her up.

Veresae i know exactly what you are talking about.

You are talking about gullibility and being overthrusting and taking things literally, a common Aspie problem and I have much sympathy for you

With Autism your desire to communicate is much higher than your ability to do so and telling people too much about yourself to soon is a mistake in friendship, as it telling people your weaknesses to quickly

People who are not honest with you and don't set concrete rules are very difficult to deal with.

People who say one thing and do another are also difficult too.

Assertiveness is difficult because you have to be tactful

Have at look at this guide -
http://www.asperger-marriage.info/survguide/chapter0.html

It was written by Marc Segar an Aspie from England who tragically dies in 1997

I know.

I encounter that situation often as well.

All you can do is hope that they are up to good things and wish them the best when you talk to yourself.