Aspies in midlife crisis, how do you deal with it?

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hartzofspace
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12 Jul 2010, 1:05 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
Still, I like the sound of the potted explanation I heard from one expert on the mid-life crisis thing - he said he thought it was best described as the time of your life when you form a new relationship with death. I saw myself in that definition.

I like the sound of that, too. I think I realized about my own mortality when my father died, two years ago. He had been nearly 80 years old. My mother died, the following year, and I went through a rough time. My thoughts turned morbid, and I could no longer ignore my own aging process.


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hartzofspace
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16 Sep 2010, 2:32 pm

bump


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17 Sep 2010, 9:52 pm

I'm going to be 50 on Monday. I've been trying to live and fit into the NT world all my life, and am failing miserably. I feel like my soul has been rubbed raw. But I remember reading Steven Silverberg's "Wired" article back in '01, and thinking, 'this is me'. Further research has confirmed my hunch. I've definitely got Aspergian aspirations.

Of course, being an adult, and wanting to keep my health insurance, I decided that getting a formal diagnosis of Aspergers would be counter-productive. I've noted that once you air any sort of 'disability', people start treating you like delicate china, or worse, a not-bright child.

But today I had a 'talk' with my sister, who does not know that I'm an Aspie. She grated me about my stand-offishness, my dislike of touch, my shortness with her boyfriend (I am very uncomfortable with men I do not know well), and told me that she told him that I was 'strange' after he told her how rude I was to him. I did not need to hear that. I know I am 'strange'. And brilliant, eccentric, funny, odd, snarky, etc. My real friends call me 'strange'- and it's a compliment. From an NT- including a sibling- it's a profound and hurtful insult.

I've been battling depression off and on for months, and drugs do not help. And I'm going to be seeing the VA about getting some disability compensation. It took me 15 years to work up the courage to do it.

I'm an emotional wreck, but my Inner Spock is calm, logical, and whispering "You'll get through this."

This is an awful introduction, and I apologize. But there has to be a way to be 'in' the NT world, but not permit their often ham-handed attempts to 'help' and 'understand' scrape away every last bit of coping armor I/we have. Mine is worn thin. I want to re-make it.

I'm relatively healthy physically- although I have been suffering from a lot of stress of late. I feel that I have many years ahead of me. I want to make them MY years, not someone elses' idea of what I should be. I want to reclaim my true self.

Can that be done?



Mdyar
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17 Sep 2010, 10:42 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
I think that's what I had when I turned 40 years old. I'd just lost my first adult tooth and was getting a few general aches and pains. Psychologically, being able to see that I was about halfway through my life forced me to realise on an emotional level that I was really going to die....the timescale became a lot more real. Younger people know intellectually that they're going to die one day, but I don't think many feel it like you do when you get to the mid-point.

Anyway, my only symptoms AFAIK were mild anxiety attacks at the thought of soon being old. It wasn't so bad when I was with friends I felt safe with.....being with anybody else didn't make much difference. Being alone probably made it worse.

I didn't sort out any kind of management plan for it, in fact I didn't do anything at all except suffer it. After a few years it just went away and I haven't been bothered by it for a few years now. Hopefully it won't return. But I'm aware that I've been recently enjoying a lot of evidence that I'm still rather young for my age, so maybe emotionally I've just gone back into Cloud Cuckoo land and will return to the land of the dying in due course. Still, I like the sound of the potted explanation I heard from one expert on the mid-life crisis thing - he said he thought it was best described as the time of your life when you form a new relationship with death. I saw myself in that definition.


Another good post T.D.

My experience:
I came to terms with my 'mortality' in my thirties( sometime ?) and it had to with the experience of losing a little of my vigor - this slight "change" engendered this new perception of the inevitable decomposition that awaits- I became death aware.
Cancer is a bane in my family, and early prevention is what I do annually in 'testing.'
Just enjoy the moments day by day.



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17 Sep 2010, 10:45 pm

I get out my old British Invasion CDs and listen to them.


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17 Sep 2010, 10:50 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
Loborojo wrote:
In short I am full of fears, hesitations, restlesness, anxiety, depression, anger, melancholy.


I hear you, Loborojo. That is exactly how I feel! I believe that middle age is like a reprise of adolescence, in many ways. We are just older, and feel that we have more to lose now, if we waste the rest of our lives on meaningless things.


That's interesting. I'm in my 40s, and in many ways I am experiencing it like a reprise of adolescence. I'm very restless, and not tolerating a lot of BS these days. I haven't got into the "change of life" thing or anything yet, but just the psychological awareness that I'm not getting any younger and the way I'm treated does matter.

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17 Sep 2010, 11:19 pm

I'm pretty depressed myself so my advice may be a bit hollow... But I think you have to focus on the things you enjoy and go out and do them. For instance, I enjoy crochet and I'm good at it since I've been crocheting since I was 8. I've been making little crochet animals and dolls that I make up as I go along. That may sound rather lame but it makes me a little happy. (I recently sold one too!) I also bought some oil paints (I went to art school and I actually know how to paint, though I haven't kept up with it so I'm no Picasso) but I haven't broken them out yet. Still, they're something to look forward to. I find it's important to create things to look forward to, even small things like posting on the forum and looking forward to the responses and the insights that other people will contribute to a thread.

And I concur with Cockney Rebel that you should listen to music that makes you want to sing along. :)

But in spite of this cheer-fest that I had no idea I had in me... :) I do relate to most of the posts in this thread.



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18 Sep 2010, 4:36 am

Loborojo wrote:
Lately I seem to get more irritated and easily upset and I have no more tolerance toward my friend I live with. I snap at her or walk out for long walks in nature, now that I can wiht the nice weather: I spent teh winter behind my laptop and went through deep depressions and still am depressed.

I also wonder what to do with my life, it seem sI cannot find any purpose or motivaiton anymore. Is it midlife crisis, discontentment with the world triggered by my apsieness...but who else knows how to deal with all this.


Do some volunteer work. That will give you a temporary purpose until you find a real purpose.

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18 Sep 2010, 5:01 am

I am 42. I guess I have never had a mid-life crises at all. Such behavior would be out of character for me. I have been in really the same mental state all my adult life. Pedantic, obsessive, slightly depressed, self-sufficient and alone. I have little to guage my life in reference to my past, since I have not had the typical experiences most N/T adults have had. (i.e. getting a job, getting married, starting a family, etc.). The only thing I regret is finding out I had AS a year ago. If I had known earlier, it would have helped me overcome some frustration and confusions about my unusual life experience. I do feel physically older now, and am not as spry as I was when I was younger, but that is an unfortunate part of getting older. Other than that, I am the same as I always was.



hartzofspace
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18 Sep 2010, 10:30 am

I am having a hard time lately, with this aging thing. Having been diagnosed with ME/CFIDS in 1995, and AS in 2007, I am feeling cheated. I don't like this aging process. It felt like my life was put on hold, in 2001. That was when I had to go on disability. I kept thinking that if I took a few years off from work, I would heal and then resume my life. Never happened. Now, on top of the symptoms of the CFIDS, I have the aging stuff to deal with; stiffness, arthritis, menopause, etc.


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20 Sep 2010, 8:50 am

Mdyar wrote:
I came to terms with my 'mortality' in my thirties( sometime ?) and it had to with the experience of losing a little of my vigor - this slight "change" engendered this new perception of the inevitable decomposition that awaits- I became death aware.

Recently I sang a few heavy metal songs in a band I'd last performed with in 1980, and wrecked my voice for a week, from the strain of singing just 5 songs - back in '80 I could sing at that pitch (and higher) for hours and get nothing worse than a bit of hoarseness which would be gone by morning. Before that recent show I'd never had any proof that my voice has lost some of its vigour - I can still sing as high as I've ever been able to, but now I see that it's the durability that's no longer so good.



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20 Sep 2010, 5:11 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
Mdyar wrote:
I came to terms with my 'mortality' in my thirties( sometime ?) and it had to with the experience of losing a little of my vigor - this slight "change" engendered this new perception of the inevitable decomposition that awaits- I became death aware.

Recently I sang a few heavy metal songs in a band I'd last performed with in 1980, and wrecked my voice for a week, from the strain of singing just 5 songs - back in '80 I could sing at that pitch (and higher) for hours and get nothing worse than a bit of hoarseness which would be gone by morning. Before that recent show I'd never had any proof that my voice has lost some of its vigour - I can still sing as high as I've ever been able to, but now I see that it's the durability that's no longer so good.


Well, I guess you could moan like Robert Plant, now ; You know they used to say he was the best dang' moaner in the business. :wink:



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20 Sep 2010, 5:21 pm

My whole life has been a crisis so it would be hard to make a distinction.



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21 Sep 2010, 2:39 am

Things take a lot longer to heal. I tore an adductor muscle going over a cliff face and the injury has lingered to the point where I am becoming annoyed at my imperfection.

I don't think I ever grew up, nor had the normal life events that most people have to mark the passage of time. I still feel youthful, even though I am far from it now. I worry that not having a great career to rely upon, or my own family to care about is going to lead to a painful desmise at some point in the future, but I can't quite twist my mind around the thought of it to care enough to alter that outcome. I would rather fight until I can't fight anymore then succumb to whatever peril. I suppose I have had plenty of opportunities to change that mindset, but I find myself stangely detached from my own well being. It is all the cycle of life and few people are worth remembering anyhow, so why concern myself with the inevitable.



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21 Sep 2010, 5:17 am

Mdyar wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
Mdyar wrote:
I came to terms with my 'mortality' in my thirties( sometime ?) and it had to with the experience of losing a little of my vigor - this slight "change" engendered this new perception of the inevitable decomposition that awaits- I became death aware.

Recently I sang a few heavy metal songs in a band I'd last performed with in 1980, and wrecked my voice for a week, from the strain of singing just 5 songs - back in '80 I could sing at that pitch (and higher) for hours and get nothing worse than a bit of hoarseness which would be gone by morning. Before that recent show I'd never had any proof that my voice has lost some of its vigour - I can still sing as high as I've ever been able to, but now I see that it's the durability that's no longer so good.


Well, I guess you could moan like Robert Plant, now ; You know they used to say he was the best dang' moaner in the business. :wink:

Haven't heard his more recent stuff, if he's done any.....back in the day, when they'd just released Zep III, he could sing a lot higher than I could. Maybe I should just go over to rapping and pretend I'm moving with the times. :wink:



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21 Sep 2010, 8:33 am

I reach for my midlife crisis gun.


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