How to learn social skills to fit in better?

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gina-ghettoprincess
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22 Apr 2010, 3:35 pm

I am fed up of not fitting in and being labelled "weird". People say to me "try not acting so weird all the time" like it's just that easy. Tips on this site have really helped me in little ways, so I would like to hear more of your ideas on how to learn the skills that non-autistics know already. I know we tend to learn some of the unwritten social rules by either getting it wrong and discovering what we SHOULD have done, or being told the rules by someone who actually understands that we're not just being dumb or whatever. So what have you learned in these ways?

I have some things I have learned about people, that may or may not be fully accurate.

I have a theory that not backing down can make you unpopular in some circumstances. Like at school this one time, this girl in textiles class knocked some pins onto the floor by accident, and then she insisted I had done it. I said I hadn't, because I hadn't even moved so it obviously couldn't have been me. Then later she's being all, "Yeah, thanks for leaving us to pick the pins up that you knocked over," which is kind of a shame because just the week before I'd had an actual conversation with her in history class which was a real breakthrough for my social skills. If I'd just taken the blame for the pins and picked them up, despite what the truth may have been, she wouldn't have got all annoyed at me. But hey, c'est la vie, if I get into a similar situation again I will know what the correct response is.

About the whole "saying hi how are you" thing: yes, it seems kind of silly. But I've figured it's best just to go with it. It's like when I'm learning another language, and there's a phrase that is supposed to mean a certain thing in English, and try as I might I just cannot understand how it translates that way. I can study the grammar, try to think of ways the literal meaning could be more figurative in the other language, but sometimes, you know, I just have to accept that it means the rough equivalent of x. So it seems daft to say "hi" to someone you can't remember talking to before, or who you have only had bad experiences with in the past. But I just go with it. It sure makes life just that tiniest bit easier.

I would really appreciate more help, thanks in advance. :)


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Peko
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22 Apr 2010, 3:46 pm

The girl you described with the pins isn't even worth your time. Try talking to classmates who seem to be outsiders or have the same interests as you. I've found its pretty much pointless to try and curb all my behaviors that make me wierd & just go with minimizing the bad ones & warning friends about them. You want to find honest caring friends, but their almost impossible to find in high school :( . I only had a few friends each year in HS & only now feel like I have friends I'm going to keep in college :). Weird people accept eachother, so seek out the "weirdos" (the ones who call themselves weird).


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gina-ghettoprincess
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22 Apr 2010, 4:00 pm

Peko wrote:
The girl you described with the pins isn't even worth your time. Try talking to classmates who seem to be outsiders or have the same interests as you. I've found its pretty much pointless to try and curb all my behaviors that make me wierd & just go with minimizing the bad ones & warning friends about them. You want to find honest caring friends, but their almost impossible to find in high school :( . I only had a few friends each year in HS & only now feel like I have friends I'm going to keep in college :). Weird people accept eachother, so seek out the "weirdos" (the ones who call themselves weird).


I know what you mean. The thing is, I don't want to necessarily be friends with the majority of people, I just want to be able to acheive the vague tolerance that people seem to be able to have for other people who they don't necessarily consider a friend. I just want the same level of respect that my classmates give each other (well, "respect" isn't the right word for what they have for each other. It's more just a lack of the outright disrespect and cruelty they show towards me).


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CockneyRebel
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22 Apr 2010, 4:45 pm

People have gotten used to my weirdness, over the years.


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bee33
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22 Apr 2010, 5:04 pm

I am terrible at this so I don't know how much help I can be. But I was told, for instance, and this was by a psychologist who is an expert in AS, that when you go into a roomful of people, like a party, you should scan the room to look for people who might be receptive to being talked to. Going up to someone who doesn't want to be talked to and saying hello to them can get the wrong response, like you're barging in, and can make you seem "weird". So you're supposed to scan for people who are looking around, trying to make eye contact, and then go talk to them. As long as they're receptive, then it's not that important what you say. You can say hello or talk about the weather or ask them about something they've mentioned to you before or that they are working on.



gina-ghettoprincess
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22 Apr 2010, 5:08 pm

bee33 wrote:
I am terrible at this so I don't know how much help I can be. But I was told, for instance, and this was by a psychologist who is an expert in AS, that when you go into a roomful of people, like a party, you should scan the room to look for people who might be receptive to being talked to. Going up to someone who doesn't want to be talked to and saying hello to them can get the wrong response, like you're barging in, and can make you seem "weird". So you're supposed to scan for people who are looking around, trying to make eye contact, and then go talk to them. As long as they're receptive, then it's not that important what you say. You can say hello or talk about the weather or ask them about something they've mentioned to you before or that they are working on.


That's helpful, thank you. So what are the signs that they are receptive? Is it just the looking around trying to make eye contact thing, or are there other things to look out for?


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gina-ghettoprincess
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22 Apr 2010, 5:17 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
People have gotten used to my weirdness, over the years.


People I know aren't generally very accepting, unfortunately.


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bee33
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22 Apr 2010, 5:20 pm

gina-ghettoprincess wrote:
bee33 wrote:
I am terrible at this so I don't know how much help I can be. But I was told, for instance, and this was by a psychologist who is an expert in AS, that when you go into a roomful of people, like a party, you should scan the room to look for people who might be receptive to being talked to. Going up to someone who doesn't want to be talked to and saying hello to them can get the wrong response, like you're barging in, and can make you seem "weird". So you're supposed to scan for people who are looking around, trying to make eye contact, and then go talk to them. As long as they're receptive, then it's not that important what you say. You can say hello or talk about the weather or ask them about something they've mentioned to you before or that they are working on.


That's helpful, thank you. So what are the signs that they are receptive? Is it just the looking around trying to make eye contact thing, or are there other things to look out for?
Frankly, I wish I knew! :)



gina-ghettoprincess
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22 Apr 2010, 5:21 pm

bee33 wrote:
gina-ghettoprincess wrote:
bee33 wrote:
I am terrible at this so I don't know how much help I can be. But I was told, for instance, and this was by a psychologist who is an expert in AS, that when you go into a roomful of people, like a party, you should scan the room to look for people who might be receptive to being talked to. Going up to someone who doesn't want to be talked to and saying hello to them can get the wrong response, like you're barging in, and can make you seem "weird". So you're supposed to scan for people who are looking around, trying to make eye contact, and then go talk to them. As long as they're receptive, then it's not that important what you say. You can say hello or talk about the weather or ask them about something they've mentioned to you before or that they are working on.


That's helpful, thank you. So what are the signs that they are receptive? Is it just the looking around trying to make eye contact thing, or are there other things to look out for?
Frankly, I wish I knew! :)


Oh well, thanks anyway :)


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