give it time and don't try to hard (for the boys?)

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oliverthered
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25 Apr 2010, 3:22 am

My best advice is,
1: let them come to you, if you don't try they will come, and in my case in significant number.
2: you've probably got significantly above average empathy skills, not the cosmetic kind of empathy that 'normal' people have, but a deep empathy a true understanding of what it would be like to be in someelse's shoe's. Because you have more 'sever' experience of pain and anguish, and have watched and learned people (instead of talking to them). When you meet someone who appreciates you for who you truly are (that is what you want?), they will see this in you and be a companion for life.
3: many young people like to play around, go for the 'arseholes', want to have a bit of fun etc.... You probably come across as nicer, safer, more long term material. People want to play the field. Once they've played it and got burnt over and over again they will come looking for someone just like you.
4: There not going to come knocking on your door, you have to feel the pain and actually go out and practice socializing. You can become a recluse again after you have that stable group of loyal and loving companions.



CaptainTrips222
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25 Apr 2010, 3:41 am

What, is this like drunken wisdom?



oliverthered
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25 Apr 2010, 4:30 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
What, is this like drunken wisdom?


I suppose you could say I've drunk from the cup of wisdom.



oliverthered
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25 Apr 2010, 4:32 am

6 marriage proposals in 4 years.

Many many extremely strong female friends whom I talk to all kinds of things about.



Mouldy
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25 Apr 2010, 7:18 am

Alothough im not the oldest or most exsperienced person here it is true that i have had people likeing me more when i just stopped looking and waited for them to come to me they still come now sometimes although i have a GF already i can say it's nice to know that other like you aswell :P


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mysassyself
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25 Apr 2010, 8:24 am

So. oliverthered. would you like to marry me? (no, no - I'm kidding) :D

oliverthered. does this work for girls too?

It's never made sense to me, cos if I'm friends with a guy I have a lot of confidence, am confident initiating contact or conversation, whereas if I 'like' them .. no such luck. and theoretically, girls are supposed to be diminuitive and let the guys do the chasing.
So, how's your theory work there?


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ManErg
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25 Apr 2010, 10:08 am

Sounds more like BS than AS.


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Willard
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25 Apr 2010, 10:47 am

oliverthered wrote:
My best advice is,
1: let them come to you, if you don't try they will come


oliverthered wrote:
4: There not going to come knocking on your door,


Uhm...there's a fly in your Kool-Aid... :oops:



Hector
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25 Apr 2010, 12:04 pm

Willard wrote:
oliverthered wrote:
My best advice is,
1: let them come to you, if you don't try they will come


oliverthered wrote:
4: There not going to come knocking on your door,


Uhm...there's a fly in your Kool-Aid... :oops:

As far as I can tell, the compromise the OP is drawing is something like this: make many female friends, and don't make out like you want to date them. Then eventually some of them will fall for you and perhaps even give you marriage proposals.
oliverthered wrote:
My best advice is,
1: let them come to you, if you don't try they will come, and in my case in significant number.
2: you've probably got significantly above average empathy skills, not the cosmetic kind of empathy that 'normal' people have, but a deep empathy a true understanding of what it would be like to be in someelse's shoe's. Because you have more 'sever' experience of pain and anguish, and have watched and learned people (instead of talking to them). When you meet someone who appreciates you for who you truly are (that is what you want?), they will see this in you and be a companion for life.
3: many young people like to play around, go for the 'arseholes', want to have a bit of fun etc.... You probably come across as nicer, safer, more long term material. People want to play the field. Once they've played it and got burnt over and over again they will come looking for someone just like you.
4: There not going to come knocking on your door, you have to feel the pain and actually go out and practice socializing. You can become a recluse again after you have that stable group of loyal and loving companions.

After a certain point, the love and dating advice for single men becomes frustrating and this is a pretty good example as to why. There are many basic social tenets worth pointing out at the beginning, such as that you're more likely to get dates if you have a circle of friends than if you have no friends, and a light touch on the arm is a powerful thing (though I still don't think I can do this). However, there are more speculative pointers which are often contradictory. This thread is one example I tend to see quite often, on approaching for a date: many say "don't worry about it, let them come to you" (as is the case here) and many say "don't waste time, ask them out quickly".

I'm more inclined to put faith in the latter. Traditionally women are the ones who are asked out, and while now there is more of a culture of gender equality, not having to approach is generally an advantage - it means you don't really have to worry about dating, someone will just come to you - so understandably this tradition is not going to disappear so easily. Also, there's a widely-accepted notion that women, after becoming your close friend, permanently rule you out as a romantic prospect. I know this isn't always true (and if what you're saying is true, you have several personal counterexamples), but if you weaken this to "you're more likely to get a date from a woman after a couple of promising conversations rather than after knowing them for several months" I'm more inclined to agree. My experience doesn't say all that much either way. On the one hand, the only numbers I've ever gotten (with an eye to dating) were on the first or second conversation. On the other hand, none of these amounted to much either.

There's also the point you raise that beyond a certain age, people look seriously at their prospective partners as companions for life and/or parents of their children, so they may be more interested in people who can take care of themselves regardless of how fun they are as people or how much of a romantic rebel they are. Again, quite speculative, but understandable.

I've heard the "things will get better" line before, though: things will get better towards the end of high school, things will get better in college, things will get better in grad school. I don't exactly fancy waiting until I'm your age without changing anything to see if my prospects improve due to what you say, because what if you're wrong? To be honest, by the time I reach your age I imagine that most of the women I know will be married (33 is well above the average age for first marriage even where I live, and most of my social environments are male-dominated). Those who aren't, I've seen through forums and dating sites, have certain expectations for their prospective partners and often one of these is that they have already played the field and are now willing to settle down. Many single middle-aged women are perfectly happy being single, more than the amount of single middle-aged men who are happy being single; why would they settle for someone who doesn't meet their criteria?

People with AS, in general, are not good at imagining themselves in another person's shoes. This, I feel, is a fundamental part of the autistic condition. Maybe we can get better at it over time, but it shouldn't come naturally.



AspergerCH75
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26 Apr 2010, 3:27 am

I think this is advice I should be taking. I have signed up on heaps of dating sites. All it's done is caused me to stress because I just keep getting knocked back.

I will admit that during my 20s and early 30s, even back when I was a teenager. I really never thought about looking for a GF until before Christmas last year. There are things in my life that I had to change as when I was younger I was never in a position to even try looking.

Yes, maybe I should give up the dating sites as they just cause me grief more than anything.



CaptainTrips222
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26 Apr 2010, 4:20 pm

AspergerCH75 wrote:
I think this is advice I should be taking. I have signed up on heaps of dating sites. All it's done is caused me to stress because I just keep getting knocked back.

I will admit that during my 20s and early 30s, even back when I was a teenager. I really never thought about looking for a GF until before Christmas last year. There are things in my life that I had to change as when I was younger I was never in a position to even try looking.

Yes, maybe I should give up the dating sites as they just cause me grief more than anything.


Dating sites are a waste of time. All my contacts petered out, and my friend didn't get a single match.



techstepgenr8tion
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26 Apr 2010, 4:48 pm

oliverthered wrote:
4: There not going to come knocking on your door, you have to feel the pain and actually go out and practice socializing. You can become a recluse again after you have that stable group of loyal and loving companions.


Actually, this is the only point I'd disagree with you on - if you have it together, are good long term material, and are sociable when you're out, they will make the steps, even meet you 60%-70% of the way. That's not to say that you can hide in a corner and hold the wall up, just that women will show interest if they see something they want enough.



ToughDiamond
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29 Apr 2010, 10:20 am

I agree with the OP. I've nearly always had a partner and I've never chased anybody or jumped through any silly hoops for them.