is being both stubborn and quarrelsome a trait?

Post Reply New Topic

someone told me i look attractive, but i would only get 3/10 because my attitude of stubborness and quarrelsomeness takes away 7 from 10.

does this make you really unattractive even though you're pretty? no wonder why i've never had a boyfriend before of any kind.

Well it may put people off. It doesn't take away from your physical beauty, but it does take away from your overall desirability. I am not judging you at all- I am just speaking in general. Someone can be pretty and have a rotten personality that keeps people from liking them. Now a person who is drop dead gorgeous would probably still get dates, but they may want to get used to one-night stands.

Dont get too hung up on it- that was just one person who said that to you. There may be others who find you to be "spunky" or "quirky" rather than "stubborn" and "quarrelsome".

being stubborn isn't necessarily a bad thing either. I don't know the entire situation, but on one hand they'd could've been saying it to pressure you to do something you didn't want to--and you were standing your ground, and on the other hand you could be stubborn and quarrelsome just for some need to "be right about everything".

I don't know the exact situation, so I can't say.

I stand very firmly by my beliefs. What's funny is those who usually don't are the ones who tell me "you're not open to giving things a chance"; did I mention their morals and philosophies usually absolutely suck?

There is a lot in your post. For instance this someone must care enough to tell you something like this - it isn't an easy thing to tell someone.

The question in your title: yes, I think that people with ASD are attached to the right answer to questions, so there are circumstances that lead to conflict because other people see a different answer, or are focused on something else and don't give the same attention to the same things.

I suppose stubborn and quarrelsome could mean negative things like deliberately being different, contrary, argumentative and contentious - a devil's advocate at best or conflict-seeking at worst. It could also mean positive things like attention to detail, consistency, standing up for what is right, having high principles or upholding your beliefs. It depends on whether you quarrel for the sake of it or because the outcome matters, and whether you stick stubbornly to your beliefs even when proved wrong or hold out for the right answer.

A person who'd say such an ugly thing isn't someone whose opinion of anyone is worthwhile; even if you ARE "stubborn and quarrelsome" to a problematic degree, only a mean-spirited person would say it that way. This person's intention was to hurt you, not assist you in improving yourself. With that said:

"Normal" men your age will in fact be put off if you argue too much, by which I mean picking fights over trivial things, sounding like his mother scolding him, or, the worst of all, consistently WINNING arguments against him. If this sounds like you, you can choose to argue less to be more appealing to men overall, or choose to be who you are and wait for a man who values a spunky woman.

As for being stubborn; when most people call you that, what they mean is "you're not caving in and doing it my way." A relationship is a 2-way street, so, although you should be wary of anyone who uses "stubborn" to try to manipulate you into acting against your own best interests, in general you do need to agree to do things the other person's way about half of the time, as long as they do the same for you. If they're using "stubborn" to try to make you change your opinion, tell them "We seem to be equally stubborn about sticking to our opinions, so let's change the subject." And if you are in fact being genuinely stubborn? Again, you can choose to tone it down to increase your overall appeal or choose to be who you are and wait for a man that values a woman who sticks to her guns.

I've been stubborn, my entire life. I've always had a desire to live life, my way. I just didn't need my mum to tell me that, when I was 17 and on the verge of suicide.

On the other hand, I don't like confrontation, and I avoid arguments, at all costs.

okay, my observation is that you can be a b***h and it's cool and sexy, you just can't be argumentative in a way that shows you have any intelligence. Having a bad attitude, in the male/female and butch/femme interaction, seems to give people the impression you are good in bed, or something. Debating in the monotone, take no prisoners and don't back down way that alot of aspie females do seems to be threatening and a complete turn off. Maybe because we argue out of a respect and passion for truth and not out of a desire to dominate like the 'bitchy' women do, who really don't care about the truth and just want to win, thus giving people the impression they will be dominated in bed, which they might like.

It kind of sucks it's this way. The whole interplay seems to be based on sex. You either need to show passivity/stupidity (i.e. 'yes I am someone who is stupid enough to sleep with you') or you need to be aggressive (however wrong) to show the person you can throw them down and jump on top of them. If you aren't willing to do either one of those I think that is where the points get deducted.

i will not do anything that i do not want to do, and i will become quarrelsome if i anyone tries to forcefully persuade me.
i am told it is a very unsatisfactory aspect of my character.

Depends on subject, manner and tone, really.
If it is about something like posture or things where there are no truths in (except spine damage etc.) and most criticism is opinion, then I would deem it unnecessary.
Any criticism about sensitive issues (attitude, way of living etc.) would not be great either.
Also people like to manipulate, because it is the easiest way to appeal to regular people because they are more sensitive to manipulation than to facts.
So most use this form of manipulation, but if you decide to stick with what you started with, they may get pissed.
Also in relationships it is sometimes a situation of compromise.
This is, of course, not necessary.

I observe alot of people trying to "look good", and I've learnt people will critisise you in order that they feel better or look good infront of people. It's crazy. And nothing to worry about AU.. because if you know you are stubborn already and know what that's about then don't let whoever told you this get you down or in doubt about your prospects in relationships. There are plenty of very stubborn NTs who have successful long term relationships!

People do like to manipulate, and when we are insecure people's words and opinions can creep inside us because we let them in somehow, or at least, let them stay for a while to worry and concern us. It's not fair, in a way... My insecurity is my weakness when it really should be appreciated for what it was.. a concern that I am being a good person in the world, a good quality.

As someone has actually increased your insecurity and left you doubtful then you did the right thing asking a second opinion from people you trust and who can relate.

Being stubborn about what you want and how you want to live your life is a good quality. There are many people who have done just those things and have been truely happy and also suffered like everyone else, as it is human.. Ghandi for example.. he gave up a wife and family to fulfil his spiritual calling. "Right" or "wrong".. he is famous for his work.

You sound cool, how could quarrelsomeness be regarded as a bad trait? People without any fight in them are boring to me.

It sounds like she's doing the one thing society hates Autistic folks doing more than anything else: challenging the status quo.


Of course the majority find it unappealing: why would they want to be told by an attractive person that everything they're doing is wrong....especially if it very likely is the case?

I'm always stubborn. I'm just subtle about it.

I'm not subtle about it at all; I make sure others know where I stand when the situation calls for it.

If only people were more shallow. Saw you more for your looks than your attitude.

No, I don't think their alteration of focus indicates any lack of being shallow