Relationship/Dating Lessons Learned

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MV too many autistic people feel the same things -

they find problems in relationships and seem to think its them and resign themselves to being on the shelf. Thats not necessary- if you can bear it, think of what the problems you faced in the past and what made them better or worse and think about how any problems could be resolved. Put all the problems you faced behind you - they are not worth worrying about. and get yourself out there, build some more self esteem and find someone who likes you, who has a great personality and who you can be open with.

If you find the right person, someone who you can sit down and discuss problems openly with - someone who shares some of the same interests as you and who can give you time on your own to do your own thing when you need it

if you need any specific advice post on here or send me a PM

See, this is what I don't get. Perhaps I misspoke. I have great self-esteem (at least the way I understand it), I just find no comfort in other people. That is to say: I'm my own favorite person, and there's just no one else I feel comfortable enough with, to want to spend an inordinate amount of time with. It's a matter of rigidity, not self-esteem. It's also a matter of having had to figure out the "rules" - what are compromisable situations, what are not; when the little compromises have added up to too much yielding, overall, etc. I know I'm stronger than most people, that's why I'm willing to compromise more, at least at first. It's only over time when I start to resent all I've had to do (and it's probably not all that much, or is "normal" to most people), that the relationship starts feeling less worthy to me. Do you know what I mean?

I (think) I know what you mean. I'm a very independent person too. My ideal relationship would be more like committed, monogamous room-mates, who "date" each other rather often than what I imagine the "traditional" relationship is supposed to be.

I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too...

Yes! Thank you, Grisha. I have a terrible time with expressing myself just right, and this is a really good way to put it. I often get a sense, too, that my age and circumstances (mid-40's, with kids) gives me a much different life/dating context (?) than most of the people on this forum.

Thanks so much to ben10scotland for his kind words, too.

Exercise caution around a significant other's parents. If you do something they don't like (even if you don't realize it), they may sabotage the relationship and not care about the damage they're causing. :/

Be wary of someone that's significantly more attractive than you are. Others may try to steal them from you. In my case, they succeeded.

That's all I got for now. I'm feeling a tad bitter right about now. Sorry about that. :/

Erisad, if someone treated you in a way that is not nice, they didnt deserve you anyway. Hopefully next time you will find someone nicer.

Not relationships, but I have screwed up friendships with girls I liked more than friends.

1) Don't follow them around everywhere like a dog
2) Don't tell them about how you never connect with anyone, yet you feel connected to them
3) Don't get upset if they don't email you right away
4) Don't tell them you're in love with them and think they're perfect etc.
5) Don't try to get sympathy from them by telling them you are depressed in your life and have no friends

All of the above I did...and not many years ago either. It's no wonder people run away from me

But my most recent ex was nice, so nice that he couldn't stand up to his own f*****g mother and left me alone. And lord only knows how long it will be before I find someone else. I won't open another account on OkCupid until I graduate to avoid the whole "distance" issue and I probably won't find anyone good in my area. I hate conservative Pennsylvania. When I had my home address as my location, most of my matches came from Philadelphia or Baltimore, two very far away places that I could never live in because I would probably be mugged, raped and shot on the first day. :/

*hugs* for Erisad
I guess the sad thing is that families are things that we're sort of stuck with, and unless he was going to move out, his mother probably would have made his life fairly unbearable. This might seem like a weird question, or I might be taking an oversimplistic view of the situation, but why do you have to move back home when you graduate if you don't like it there? Honestly, after I graduated I couldn't comprehend the idea of living with my parents again. If you can find a room to rent in a shared house (and can deal with the shared house thing) then the cost isn't too high as long as you have some sort of job (in England this is the case anyway).

Because I wouldn't be able to afford it. Not to mention my mom kinda is doing something similar, "you are NOT moving out until at least a year after you start working." Great. I would have planted myself at a job for a year and would have to find another job once I move. She's trying to keep me at home forever. >.<

at times it makes me glad i have no parents at all. >.<

In the future, I'm only dating orphans. I have a hard enough time dealing with my parents so being able to impress someone else's is waaay too hard for me. D:

Learning is for dweebs.

Just kidding.

I have had four relationships; three NTs, one is my husband, who is very certain that both he and I have AS.
First tip: if neither of you can drive and you live across town from each other, it generally doesn't work. Although maybe that's because public transit's terrible where I come from.
Second tip: if you date a guy who talks constantly about the imperfections of his ex girlfriends, he is probably going to be nit picky with you. Also, be careful how you and your friends word things; I had a friend who said that I had a boyfriend to one of my exes right after I broke it off with him, and he thought I had cheated on him. I had to hang out with a friend from work because of it.
Third tip: if a guy tells you he doesn't want to touch you until he can think things through, it means he isn't sure if he likes you that way.
Fourth tip: if a guy tells you about a girl that he likes that lives near him before you express interest, abort, because you will likely only get your feelings hurt.
Fifth tip: Never mention exes to your current significant other's mother. She pretty much only wants to hear that her child is fantastic, and no, comparing them positively does not cut it.
Sixth tip: Never talk about your romantic moments with your significant other's mother. She doesn't appreciate hearing how well her child can kiss.

People who live independently and miles away from their parents are fairly simple too - you've then only got to deal with the other parents very rarely and they have no direct say over things.

p.s. apologies if laughing is insensitive... just amused by the idea of a dating advert requesting responses from orphans only...