Relationship/Dating Lessons Learned

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A recent post by a new (NT) member asking for advice about dating an Aspie got me thinking about things I wish I'd known before I began my Aspie/NT relationships. I gave the OP my feedback, but some of the responses in that thread prompted me to create this thread to ask the WP community for their feedback.

If "experienced" you could identify the pitfalls and mistakes that "inexperienced" you should have avoided - what would you say to "inexperienced" you? Were there signs you ignored? Were there things you did/didn't say? Do you have a better understanding now of how ASD affected your relationship/dating experience? Can you relate the roadblocks in your relationship to ASD symptoms? In short, if you had it to do over, how would you do it differently?

My hope is that the information in this thread could by used to better navigate romantic relationships, so that more of them can be successful. I'd appreciate it if posters can respect the following guidelines: if you're going to contribute (and I hope you will), please avoid "bashing" the opposite sex and/or specific partners. While you may believe, "all women are biotches" or "all men are a$$holes" - please don't clutter the thread with those comments. I respect that comments like that may reflect your opinion (today), but those comments won't really help any other relationship succeed. Also, please refrain from chiming in to say you've never had a relationship (I understand that's a real problem, but it's not the focus of this thread).

Last edited by HopeGrows on 29 Apr 2010, 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I thought it would be better to keep my own experience separate from the main topic of the thread. Here goes: if I had it to do all over again, I would have educated myself about ASD using independent resources, and not relied on my partner to educate me. I don't think it's reasonable to expect a partner to be a gifted educator, or to be able to provide an overview of ASD that's objective, comprehensive, or that even covers the most significant issues that can impact a relationship. Some Aspies might be able to do provide that education easily; others might not know where to begin...lots would probably fall in the middle somewhere.

If I'd known more about the challenges involved in an Aspie/NT relationship, I could have handled them better. I posted an analogy a short while ago about this subject: because of my (and possibly my partner's) lack of understanding about AS, dating was like playing a game where we both knew the objective (to be happy together), but we didn't know the rules of the game; we only discovered the rules by breaking them, and the penalties for breaking the rules (on both sides) were swift and severe. Not much chance to succeed under those circumstances. All things considered, I'd change those circumstances by being better informed, which would have helped me take ASD impacts less personally, and helped me better understand my role in the relationship.

I think I would make it more clear about my deficits from the begining, I did say but people tend to think I am putting myself down as I look like such 'a nice lady', they tend to not take what Im telling them on board. Maybe I would find them a book writen about someone like me or show them a dvd of mozart and the whale. People say they are ok with how I am but they turn out not to be, they just wanted to be ok with me but they couldnt do it.

I would also make firmer boundaries from the begining on time spent together and phone calls and email so that I did not get over whelmed and had a more regular routine for when I saw them and when i did not.

I also might be firmer about the out come of the relationship and stick to just going on dates rather than moveing on to living with them as its when living with someone starts that everything goes badly and people get cross with me.

One thing NT's can do is tell us (in words or text) what is expected of us. Believe me when I say that your are just as much as a mystery to us as we are to you. Thanks for posting this

The problems I have had when in relationships with 2 NT men:

My first boyfriend, I would say things that hurt his feelings and have no idea I had done it. He assumed I knew I had hurt him but I was oblivious, and he never mentioned it as he didnt realise i didnt know. Enormous communication difficulties. I didnt find out until years later what i had done. He had come to the conclusion that i was a mean person who liked insultng people, and he was tellng people this years after we broke up.

Other NT boyfriend; wanted me to be more socially acceptable. Seemed ashamed of me. When he found out about my lack of empathy he ran away fast. But that was good riddance, it was annoying being with him, i felt like i was walking on eggshells.

Other boyfriends were ok, just these two I had severe problems with.

* For NT girls, a red rose brought to a date means something more intimate, for me it used to mean "here is a rose, i hope it makes you happy and shows that i am serious - i do not care if you eat it or stick it in a vaze though."

* NT girls like touching, some like to "see your hands" (i.e. read palms, just to feel them) or touch your arms to see how you react at physical touch.

* NT girls appreciate a good sense of humour, some dont. Having the same kind of humour is a big advantage, if you cannot make her laugh there isnt necessary something wrong with your humour.

* If things seem to go well, i.e. she didnt run away from you screaming do not wait too long to call her/mail/chatt again - or someone else she went out with probably will.

* If you are looking for "A short romance" as it is called on some dating sites, it is equivalent to be looking for wild open promiscous sex. Apparently, there is no short romances... (Then why the f dont they write what it really is?)

* When writing your dating site presentation, be clear and use few words to describe yourself. If something can be misinterpreted, then it will be misinterpreted - if something can be interpreted negatively then it will be interpreted negatively. When in doubt, ask a friend to read your presentation and give feedback on it.

Definitely not going to bash the other sex here. Reason being is that if I send those kind of thoughts to the Universe, the Universe will end up putting someone who will make my life miserable into my life. So, no bashing from me. I like how you want to see this information to help people in future romantic relationships. I wasn't dx'd officially with AS and AD/HD until age 40. So, I had no idea prior until then why I made the kind of mistakes I did. I heard on several occasions that all I cared was about myself and not the person I was dating. That other people felt as if they were in control of the relationship and not me. That I wasn't trying hard enough. Those kind of things. Obviously, had I been dx'd earlier in my life and adjusted to liking and loving myself with AS (and AD/HD), I could have had the possibility of better relationships.

Given all which has taken place, I am glad I am both AS and AD/HD. Having this hybrid combination makes me special and unique in who I am. Because I have taken the time to understand myself better and learn new skills (like conflict resolution, as I am doing currently), I will be better off in future relationships. I won't walk away from conflict, but face it head on and resolve conflicts as they arise. One of the best indicators of any relationship is the ability to resolve conflict. How do you deal with a conflict as it arises in a relationship? Do you talk with your partner and work out the conflict? Do you let it fester and hope the conflict resolves itself? What do you do? This is why communication is key in relationships. If a person doesn't know how to communicate with someone in a relationship or would like to better know how to communicate with someone, then by all means go and take a class in communication or conflict resolution. Show me, as a potential partner to someone, that you're someone who values the importance of communication and conflict resolution.

I've been involved in numerous relationships prior to the dx.

Ichinin,

Your responses struck a chord with me. This is exactly what I do, all of these.

A couple of the mistakes the inexperienced me made:

Not saying "I love you" or other romantic affirmations often enough. I was kind of caught by surprise when I was told this, because I thought I'd made sure to say these things often - or at least every time I felt it. At the same time, though, I'm the type who only speaks when he has something to say and isn't given to repeating himself often, so I guess my partner and I just had different definitions of "enough" in this case. I'm more aware now of the need to hear these things reinforced often.

Not taking the lead all the time when going out. Social anxiety was to blame there - it was hard for me being the one to buy the movie tickets, or order food, or whatever. Even though she understood my reluctance, I guess it still made me look weak to her. Thankfully it's a weakness that's greatly diminished now, and I definitely won't be making this mistake again.

the biggest thing i had to overcome what basicly not listen to anything a woman said and read between the lines of what she says. so many times they say things then say the exact opposite.

they ask do i look fat in this. both answers will get you in the dog house. the best response i give, "wow i want to pull that off of you right now" one of those vague answers i didnt say yes and i didnt say no

i think my friends would really like you. this means she wants to show you off to her friends and brag. this is when you act like a perfect gentleman. be all touchy kissy in front of people.

do you think that woman is prettier than me. no matter how confident she says she is, every woman will always compair herself to the hottest women around. im good but i dont even have an answer for this one, if you say yes then she is all pouty. say no and she knows your full of crap

While it's good that the partner with AS help the NT partner better understand, I feel it's up to each person to learn as much as possible first. Then, if the NT partner has questions, to feel free to ask the AS partner, "I've been reading where it says.. blah blah blah blah, and I don't seem to understand. Could you explain to me better about .....?" I read your analogy of breaking the rules of the game, which would make perfect sense if both the AS partner and NT partner don't know about AS. No relationship would seem to have much of any chance to succeed without knowing how to navigate the conflict dealing with the inability to navigate AS. This way, if you are in a future relationship with someone who is AS, you will have a better understanding of what you could expect. However, all people with AS are different, though some of the same traits are common denominators.

I wish I could go back in time to learn that my husband is an aspie from the beginning of our marriage.

We didn't find out/realise he has AS until after he abandoned our marriage. When we found out, I educated myself about AS and tried to get him and the marriage back, but he was having none of it.

I have healed little by little through the years, but you can't force someone to love you and no matter how hard you try, a relationship will only work if both parties want it to.

He is very open now to people he meets about his AS. What saddens me is his girlfriend now knows full well about his AS and can hopefully navigate their relationship to a successful one. What saddens me is I never had the advantage of knowing of his AS the way his girlfriend does now.

I desperately wanted to make it work.

Seriously?! I feel pretty dumb now for not realising that. On okcupid there are options to say you're interested in "long-term dating" and "short-term dating". I thought long-term meant you were trying to find someone to marry and short-term meant you just wanted to date someone but not getting serious too quickly. Why would I think that?! It seems so obvious now.

Edit: Sorry, I don't have anything to add to this topic but I wanted to follow it and "watch this topic" doesn't work for me anymore.

I'm sorry to read about this, Esther, and about your misfortunes. It's sad when he chose not to go back to you, but that his current girlfriend is willing to work things out with him. I encourage you to keep healing from this experience. Chalk this up as experience and move forward in your life as you are. I realize it is not easy. I like how you are taking this day by day over all this time. Two steps forward, one back. Keep your head up.

I divorced my ex-wife in 2002, five years before I was dx'd with AS and AD/HD. Both of us didn't know what was going on with me, let alone myself for my entire life to that point. I knew I was "different" than all the kids and then adults. Just never knew why.

Best.....

In my case, I knew he probably had AS; I had read up on he symptoms beforehand for myself, so it was easy to see them in other people. AS was a 'good' point to me at the time. I thought birds of a feather would have something in common and I made exceptions for him throughout the relationship because 'he didn't know any better'.

Even when I realised he wasn't pulling his weight at all, no matter how many times I asked him, I felt I had to stay in the relationship because I wasn't good enough for anyone else, and I didn't want to hurt him by dumping him either.

Looking back, the advice I would have given myself would be "cut and run" on the first date. The warning signs were all there, but I just put them down to 'AS'.

If someone isn't suitable or mature enough to be in a relationship, then you shouldn't go out with them. You can't change someone and you can't train someone into the person you want them to be, without losing part of yourself in the process and resenting them in the end. That may be a generalisation; I'm sure some people here have tried and suceeded, but it's just my advice to myself if I'm ever in the situation myself again.

Same thing happened with my marriage. She wanted the divorce but tried to get back together after her sister committed suicide. By that time I wanted nothing to do with her. Once it's over with an Aspie, it's over.