"He accepts me the way that I am"

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mitharatowen
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29 Apr 2010, 1:51 pm

So I've been thinking lately on the reality vrs idealism of the claim that some people make that their partners accept them as they are. I've heard from many sources that it takes a lot of change and compromise to make a relationship work. Doesn't that contradict the idea of loving someone the way that they are?

Plus, on these forums there are tons of advice threads where people tell so-and-so that if he doesn't change his personality fundimentally that he will never find a girlfriend. Doesn't this also contradict the idea that someone should love you for who you are? Or are there just some personalities that are inherintly unlovable unless they change?

Basically 1. Is it possible to love/be loved for who you are even if you have some large built-in oddities (or flaws) in your personality? 2. If your answer is yes - are there exceptions?

Discuss.



Tim_Tex
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29 Apr 2010, 1:53 pm

I would say that one can definitely be loved for who they are. But it is also ok to have additional preferences in a partner.


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29 Apr 2010, 2:12 pm

I read a magazine article years ago that made the point that people will forgive human failings in their friend's that they wouldn't in their partners. So I guess we have unrealistic expectations of what our partners are supposed to do for us. People's expectations change too. After a stormy, abusive relationship, someone kind and stable is preferable, even if they leave the towels on the floor or if they are packing a few extra pounds..



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29 Apr 2010, 2:16 pm

What about someone who thinks that needing emotional support or encouragement constitutes a "weak personality"or emotional instability?


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29 Apr 2010, 2:18 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
What about someone who thinks that needing emotional support or encouragement constitutes a "weak personality"or emotional instability?


I would not consider such a person as good partner material.



mitharatowen
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29 Apr 2010, 2:23 pm

Aimless - so your conclusion then is that people who are not "good partner material" are not able to be loved for who they are?

Then what sort of flaws are overlookable and what are not? You use the example of overweight or messy - those are overlookable flaws then? Can you give some more examples of overlookable vrs non-overlookable?



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29 Apr 2010, 2:24 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
Aimless - so your conclusion then is that people who are not "good partner material" are not able to be loved for who they are?

Then what sort of flaws are overlookable and what are not? You use the example of overweight or messy - those are overlookable flaws then? Can you give some more examples of overlookable vrs non-overlookable?


I think she meant that not everybody is going to be compatible with everyone.


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mitharatowen
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29 Apr 2010, 2:27 pm

But is everyone compatible with someone?



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29 Apr 2010, 2:27 pm

My husband thinks i look beautiful even when i dress frumpy. He doesn't care what i look like. to him, looks aren't important. To him, it's about the personality. He also doesn't care that i have autism. He still loves me for me. I had to date all the jerks to find my true love.


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Tim_Tex
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29 Apr 2010, 2:29 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
But is everyone compatible with someone?


Yes, we're all compatible with someone.


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29 Apr 2010, 2:34 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
Aimless - so your conclusion then is that people who are not "good partner material" are not able to be loved for who they are?

Then what sort of flaws are overlookable and what are not? You use the example of overweight or messy - those are overlookable flaws then? Can you give some more examples of overlookable vrs non-overlookable?


Well, being unsupportive is pretty major. I don't think that and irritating personal habits are on the same level at all. I could live with my son's father's hairy back, but not with the constant lies. I guess what I'm trying to say that people will often reject someone for a small thing when the larger things are more significant. Saying that, I'm only human and have preferences like anyone else. As far as the "not good partner material" comment, I meant that only for myself. It is not my place to decide that for anyone else.



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29 Apr 2010, 2:48 pm

I think that there is somebody out there, for everyone.


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29 Apr 2010, 2:53 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
But is everyone compatible with someone?


Actually, I should just shut up, because I have major emotional intimacy issues. I think I am deeply dysfunctional in the romantic relationship department and will likely always be single. I accept it. I have had my mad crushes but would run like a scared little rabbit if anyone approached me. I'm the one who's going to think of some inconsequential reason not to get involved because just the thought of having to be with someone makes me gasp for air. It's my problem and that's why I'm careful not to encourage anyone. Life is easier now that I'm middle aged and no one pursues me anymore. BooHoo :)



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29 Apr 2010, 2:55 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
So I've been thinking lately on the reality vrs idealism of the claim that some people make that their partners accept them as they are. I've heard from many sources that it takes a lot of change and compromise to make a relationship work. Doesn't that contradict the idea of loving someone the way that they are?]


It seems like a contradiction, but in practice I don't think it is. When people say that, they are talking about how their partner accepts (insert some quality that others might not be ok with) but it does not mean no compromises will ever have to be made. It means you accomodate each other's quirks but it's not carte blanche to do whatever you want and say "well, that's just who I am".

Quote:
Plus, on these forums there are tons of advice threads where people tell so-and-so that if he doesn't change his personality fundimentally that he will never find a girlfriend. Doesn't this also contradict the idea that someone should love you for who you are? Or are there just some personalities that are inherintly unlovable unless they change?


The only people who "should" love you no matter what are your parents. And they are pretty much the only ones from whom unconditional love will come. (And even that doesn't come with unconditional acceptance. It's quite common for parents to love the children they do not entirely accept, as I'm sure many here know.) I don't know about whole personalities but there are certainly some traits that are unloveable and that a person would be well advised to change if they want to attract a partner. I won't make a list. There are countless "you should change X" posts on countless threads. The point being that nobody "should" love you just because. There has to be something in it for them.

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Basically 1. Is it possible to love/be loved for who you are even if you have some large built-in oddities (or flaws) in your personality? 2. If your answer is yes - are there exceptions?


It depends on what those oddities are and how they are counter-balanced by things that are considered attractive. One thing that is fairly attractive is the willingness to accept the other person's oddities.



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29 Apr 2010, 3:26 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
Basically 1. Is it possible to love/be loved for who you are even if you have some large built-in oddities (or flaws) in your personality? 2. If your answer is yes - are there exceptions?


Yes, it is possible to be loved, quirks and all; everyone has some kind of quirk, on the spectrum or not.

Exceptions really depend on what it is and how severe. Example: someone who is highly abusive or violent probably will have a tough time. Little things like some of the typical Aspie quirks? Honestly, my boyfriend loves some of my little quirks. :)


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29 Apr 2010, 3:42 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
So I've been thinking lately on the reality vrs idealism of the claim that some people make that their partners accept them as they are. I've heard from many sources that it takes a lot of change and compromise to make a relationship work. Doesn't that contradict the idea of loving someone the way that they are?


There are some things that are easy to change and make a huge difference. There are some things that are difficult to change and don't make a huge difference. The trick is in having the wisdom to push for the change where it matters most (and change yourself where it takes little effort). Think of yourself as having a number of "silver bullets". You don't want to just fire like crazy or you'll run out of ammo. You want to pick your target carefully based on where it will matter most.

Everyone has to make some changes to be in a relationship. The idea that there is no change whatsoever is the too idealistic part.

Here's an example: Putting the toilet seat down. As a guy, I don't care. However any woman I am living with is inevitably going to go in late at night and sit on the dirty rim (ewwww). It costs me little to learn this new behavior but will matter a lot for her comfort. However, asking me to change something like my lifelong love of video games would require some major rework on my part and would not be worth it unless it was having a major impact on the relationship - AND IF IT WERE, then I may have involved myself with the wrong person.

mitharatowen wrote:
Plus, on these forums there are tons of advice threads where people tell so-and-so that if he doesn't change his personality fundamentally that he will never find a girlfriend. Doesn't this also contradict the idea that someone should love you for who you are? Or are there just some personalities that are inherently unlovable unless they change?


That's because sometimes people get contradictory ideas in their heads. Example: "I hate women. Women are inferior to men. However, I really want to be with a gurrrl." Ummmm... no. You're going to have to fix the hating women idea before you are going to be with someone unless you want to explore same-sex relationships. This is an extreme example, but similar to what can occur.

mitharatowen wrote:
Basically 1. Is it possible to love/be loved for who you are even if you have some large built-in oddities (or flaws) in your personality? 2. If your answer is yes - are there exceptions?


Oh hell yeah! And you don't need something like major personality changes (dropping your special interest - you can try, but ... good luck) or physical changes (i.e. fake boobs, etc) in order to get it. You just need to find out the things that are really bothering your partner and then try to change the smaller (to you) things that you can while STICKING TO YOUR GUNS about the things that would be too difficult to alter. The hardest part of this is that you may lose the current partner who does not accept a major, unchangeable behavior (I'm NOT going to use the word "flaw"). But you will find someone else who will.

I would say NO, there are no exceptions to this besides the aforementioned "contradictory" thinking I mentioned above. TimTex and our CockneyMickAvory instincutally have it completely, 100% right.


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