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CaptainTrips222
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29 Apr 2010, 9:02 pm

I have this one friend who used to talk to me frequently, but once she bought a house and got busy with a full time job, I could hardly get ahold of her. She calls me a week ago to piss and moan about her relationship over coffee and beer- they were about to break up. Now that I guess they've worked it out okay, I can't get ahold of her...

Does this happen, where people use you as a therapist? Or use you in general?



bully_on_speed
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29 Apr 2010, 9:05 pm

no your her girlfriend. your the only non threatening guy in her life so she talks to you about that stuff



AdmiralCrunch
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29 Apr 2010, 9:51 pm

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
She calls me a week ago to piss and moan about her relationship over coffee and beer

Drama is the female version of video games.

If you want to continue the relationship, IMHO the best thing to do in this situation is to see if you can reflect the same back onto your friend. Try to find something you can piss and moan about that she'd tolerate listening to. Communication is bi-directional, after all. If she's a relationship freak, see if you can talk to her about such. Use stories from here, etc.


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CaptainTrips222
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29 Apr 2010, 10:56 pm

AdmiralCrunch wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
She calls me a week ago to piss and moan about her relationship over coffee and beer

Drama is the female version of video games.

If you want to continue the relationship, IMHO the best thing to do in this situation is to see if you can reflect the same back onto your friend. Try to find something you can piss and moan about that she'd tolerate listening to. Communication is bi-directional, after all. If she's a relationship freak, see if you can talk to her about such. Use stories from here, etc.


She doesn't mind the complaining. The point is, it's only when she wants to piss and moan that I hear from her. Lately, she's busy unless SHE wants to whine, then she doesn't want to hang out. It's one of those things, they only come to you if they need help with something... or it's become that way.



CockneyRebel
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29 Apr 2010, 11:15 pm

I used to have some woman call me 10 times a day. She'd always tell me about her problems. I haven't heard from her, for three days, and I hope that I don't hear from her, any time soon. That reminds me. I've got to unplug my phone. I'll do that, right now.


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sinsboldly
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29 Apr 2010, 11:49 pm

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
AdmiralCrunch wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
She calls me a week ago to piss and moan about her relationship over coffee and beer

Drama is the female version of video games.

If you want to continue the relationship, IMHO the best thing to do in this situation is to see if you can reflect the same back onto your friend. Try to find something you can piss and moan about that she'd tolerate listening to. Communication is bi-directional, after all. If she's a relationship freak, see if you can talk to her about such. Use stories from here, etc.


She doesn't mind the complaining. The point is, it's only when she wants to piss and moan that I hear from her. Lately, she's busy unless SHE wants to whine, then she doesn't want to hang out. It's one of those things, they only come to you if they need help with something... or it's become that way.


uh. . .she calls you because you haven't said 'get lost, I have had enough of this'. Don't worry about her, she will find another patsy.


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Ladarzak
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30 Apr 2010, 1:20 am

Both my sister and a female "friend" have been like this. They call when they want to dump. I don't like being dumped on. I called them on it and they disappeared. That's not a real friend -- not any kind of friend I want, anyway. It's like to be able to talk about bad stuff, but these people don't even notice you aren't listening.

With my husband, if we need to rant/dump or even be seriously listened to on deep issues, we ask for it. But it's not the main pattern of our existence.

Get better friends than her.



CaptainTrips222
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30 Apr 2010, 1:44 am

Ladarzak wrote:
Both my sister and a female "friend" have been like this. They call when they want to dump. I don't like being dumped on. I called them on it and they disappeared. That's not a real friend -- not any kind of friend I want, anyway. It's like to be able to talk about bad stuff, but these people don't even notice you aren't listening.

With my husband, if we need to rant/dump or even be seriously listened to on deep issues, we ask for it. But it's not the main pattern of our existence.

Get better friends than her.


Oh, definitely if she does this again. She wasn't always like this- we used to be chill. She's the kind of girl that knows as much about cars and sports as most men do. But... things are changing over the last four months. We used to have a lot to say. The only thing I mind is that it's not reciprocal anymore- she can't be found when I wanna talk, so to hell with her.



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30 Apr 2010, 2:56 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
I have this one friend who used to talk to me frequently, but once she bought a house and got busy with a full time job, I could hardly get ahold of her. She calls me a week ago to piss and moan about her relationship over coffee and beer- they were about to break up. Now that I guess they've worked it out okay, I can't get ahold of her...

Does this happen, where people use you as a therapist? Or use you in general?



Tell her it'd be nice to spend some time with her when she's happy as well.



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05 May 2010, 11:58 pm

Many people are very selfish and appreciate people when they do things for them, such as lending an ear, but have no interest in them otherwise. People like to talk about what upsets them in the way you describe. It seems to be particularly common in females, as others pointed out.
You must examine yourself to see if you are making it too easy for her to do this. You are probably a good listener who does not demand much of her. Perhaps if you explained that you do not appreciate the way she treats you, create some boundaries, or express problems of your own, you will grow a better friendship. However, you may very well lose her completely. I am not sure how much of a loss that would really be though.

This often happens to me, and it is my own fault. Human beings are my main special interest, and it is hard for me to pass up a new subject. I encourage people to talk to me about all of their problems, even without realizing it at times because I want to study. I like helping them sort through their problems, but of course, once they are sorted, they have no need for me. I had not even tried to associate with people in a way other than for studying them until a few years ago, so I really do not know how to. Because I use my old "research" methods to start relationships, mine are usually not very good. Most of my social relationships are very therapist/client or scientist/study subject in nature.
I would imagine many people on the spectrum would either try too hard to please other people because they want to make friends badly, resulting in them acquiring selfish friends who take much and give little, or that some people on the spectrum would be the listeners because they are too cautious about annoying people with obsessive topics and do not know how to respond in a "normal" way.

Oh, advice... If you are not happy with the friendship, there is no reason to keep it. If she is using you when she wants you, and ignoring you at all other times, it is not a healthy relationships. Unless you can explain to her how you feel and she changes, you should not let yourself be in such an unfair situation.


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06 May 2010, 3:32 am

Most of the friends I've had wer like that. In a way I kind of like it because I like analyzing things & I feel better when I can help people. I'd like to meet women like that :wink: It does get to be kind of a downer thou when I start feeling like I have to be there for em & whenever I have something; they are not there for me. I wish people would take my advice more instead of not fallowing it & running to me because they made things worse



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06 May 2010, 7:23 am

I seem to attract people like that. But when I need to talk to them about a prolem, they always seem to be suddenly busy. Or, they turn it around and we end up discussing their problems again. :?


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anbhas
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06 May 2010, 1:23 pm

My friend and I use each other in this way and we're pretty open about it.



CaptainTrips222
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08 May 2010, 5:36 am

Well, she called me on Cinco De Mayo, yesterday, and today, but I just ignored her. Is that effective in sending a message?



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08 May 2010, 8:12 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
Well, she called me on Cinco De Mayo, yesterday, and today, but I just ignored her. Is that effective in sending a message?


Not really. Unless she's very sensitive, she'll just presume you were out.

But I think it's still a good thing. She isn't aware of having done anything wrong (she's too wrapped up in herself), so an overt hostile signal may have been a bit unfair.

Perhaps next time she rings, tell her you're very busy right now and arrange at that time to meet up another day. That way, her crisis will probably be over by then. If she flakes out, then call her up on it.

Don't hang around waiting to ignore her calls (I've done this myself in the past); you're much more likely to do your head in and cave in to her request than if you genuinely are busy.