Anger management?

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Hi All-

I was wondering what are some of the techniques that you have given to your children to express their anger. My son has been hitting me lately. He is almost 5, and today he did not get his way so he swung at me across the face. This is unacceptable, but I need to teach him other things to do to express his anger. Another thing he has been doing lately is when a kid in a group gets upset, he starts hitting me??? Not sure why he is doing this. He is normally not very violent or aggessive, but I have noticed lately that if he doesn't get his way, it is starting. Thanks for suggestions!

We made our dd an "Angry Pillow" when she was that age so she could get her aggression out that instead of on people. Sometimes it worked, but sometimes not. She was a biter and a scratcher, too.

It sounds like it is, at some times, sensory. The line can be kind of fine at times, between sensory upset and anger, given that sensory upset tends to make the kids angry or "annoyed" as my son says, but the child won't be able to implement prevention steps unless he is accurately recognizing the factors that lead to the behavior.

What I taught my son was two-fold: to recognize his own build up so that he could mitigate it, while emphasizing that physical action is NEVER acceptable. No wrestling, none of those boy smacks - the line has to be 100% clear: no physical aggression anytime, any reason.

At various ages I've used different processes based upon the perceived reason for the aggression, and how well I think the child should be able to control the behavior. When we were first adapting to the AS diagnosis, I dropped obviously negative consequences in favor of teaching, and that helped a lot. He felt safe expressing his reasons and helping us separate the different types of aggression he might be involved with. We told him that even though we understood there were times things out of his control led up to the aggression, that he had to take responsibility for recognizing the building stress and getting it stopped. If that means telling us in no uncertain terms, then tell us. If that means ending an outing, we end the outing. He did get stuck with a nice, long, talk with mom after he had calmed down from each incident, and many times he had to agree to leave something he had wanted to do, so even if there was no "punishment," per se, he didn't feel like he was getting away with it, either. I think the age we worked this method very seriously was 9 or 10.

Age 5 was a pretty clear cut consequence age, but that meant *I* had to take full responsibility for keeping him out of situations that I knew were difficult for him, and I didn't even know about the AS then. Just, I was already aware that there were times he could be "over stimulated" and that "over stimulated" children don't control themselves well, so that the best way to prevent behavior issues was to prevent "over stimulation." Funny how that classic parenting advice is pretty useful with an AS child .

So ...

I think you need to decide where he is developmentally and then decide which approach to take. Make sure that you don't end up punishing him, whatever you decide, for behavior that traces directly back to being forced into the wrong situation. I carry so much parental guilt over the times I basically made my child melt down, and then punished him for it ... ugh. Thank goodness he tells me doesn't remember any of those, but I do, and many AS adults speak of such situations from their own childhoods with a lot of negativity towards their parents. Those times are going to happen, but you want to prevent it as much as possible.

um. I didn't answer the question, did I?

Sorry, related tangents are rather easy to take.

My son didn't do well with any of the standard methods for releasing anger. For him, it's pretty much all prevention or changing focus. His favorite stim, pacing, doubles very well as a method for releasing anger, since he can punch the air and yell while pacing. We've also found that shooting a nerf gun relaxes him.

Hi DW---

Thanks for all of the suggestions. For this particular incident, he was at home with just me and his father. He wanted to do something that we did not want him to do, and we explained the reasons and told him maybe another time. He was just mad because he didn't get to do what he wanted. So, in this case, I am not sure it was overstimulation as much as him just not getting his way.

I agree that when he is around other kids and a kid gets upset or too loud and my son starts hitting me, maybe it is just that he is confused about how to deal with his own emotions so he takes it out on me maybe.

Either way, I am grateful for your responses because it makes me aware that we need to work on this physical aggression thing now while he is still so young before it gets totally out of hand.

In some ways things are progressing well because the more verbal he is getting, the more we are able to discuss situations and his emotions. This has just started happening in the last few months, so I am grateful for that. However, I don't want to be hit on by my son, and I am very concerned that the bigger he gets, the harder it will be to get out of his path! I saw a situation in a grocery store where I was pretty sure the young man in his teens was autistic. Something did not go his way, and he just hit his mom across the face and her glasses went flying across the store. I was very disturbed by this, and I just hope I don't end up in the same situation!

Again, thanks for listening and thanks for the input.

We've been having aggression problems with my Noah (age 9) as well. He had a couple of severe incidents at school in March -- hit a teacher and pulled her hair. Also went after a kid on the playground with a stick. He was actually suspended from school for a few days, and since he's returned his interactions with his classmates has been very closely monitored. He signed a "contract" with the school that any physical aggression would result in him being sent home from school that day, and being at home the next day. As he loves school -- and wants to be with his classmates -- this was a great incentive. After a couple of slip-ups, his behavior at school has been aggression-free for the past month.

Unfortunately, we've been seeing more aggression at home. Possibly, he's holding it together at school but then needs to "let go" at home. But we're trying to crack down here as well -- making sure that he understands that there will be consequences for hitting.

Just last night, he had another blowup. His heart was in the right place: Big sis needed the computer for school but little sis was playing a computer game and wouldn’t get off. He started becoming angry, demanding that little sis get off the computer to make room for big sis. Before I had a chance to redirect him, he had run into the computer room and was pulling her out of the chair. I sent him to his room to cool down, and he hit me and poked me in the leg with a sharp pencil. As a consequence, he was kept in his room the rest of the night, and I kept him from school today.

I'm hoping to help him make the connection that aggressive behavior results in something he doesn't like. Of course, I'm also trying to teach him how to handle his anger and frustration, trying to give him alternatives to try instead of lashing out. Trying to help him FEEL the anger building up so he can deal with it BEFORE he reaches the "red zone." As DW said about her son, we're trying to teach Noah that he must take responsibility for recognizing the building stress and getting it stopped.

After Noah calms down, he always feels really bad about what he does. I’m taking his remorsefulness as a good sign. Of course, I guess it's possible that I'm just deluding myself too . . . but I do think we're making (slow) progress at getting some of this aggression under control. Yelling, jumping up and down, pacing back and forth -- that's all fine. Hitting isn't.

We are definitely at that same stage, me saying "no" often results in screaming fits though the physical aggression has really decreased. I think a lot of it is related to working with him A LOT when he is calm.

Social stories are a good way to address behavior during calm times. You can download the Tucker Turtle story (free) at http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/resour ... egies.html

This site has a lot of other good resources too. Tucker Turtle Takes Time to Tuck and Think in this story. The idea is to get the strategy for controlling anger into the kiddo's head when he/she is calm so that hopefully he/she can learn to employ that strategy when upset. We were told to read the social stories every day or multiple times a day until the child was obviously bored with it. The idea must be reinforced often. I have made several social stories of my own to address other behaviors and put pictures of our family, friends, teachers and school mates in them. He loves them!

To try to encourage taking deep breaths, we tell our son to hold his hands like he is holding a cup of hot soup - he then has to blow on the soup to cool it off. This visualization may help encourage your son to take a few deep breaths. I think its also important for us as adults to model this same behavior. When ds and I are having trouble with something like getting dressed, I stop and model the blowing on the soup routine and tell him that I am feeling very frustrated. I ask him if he can help me be less frustrated. I think this lets them know that we get upset too and it shows them that using the techniques we are trying to teach actually works.

Our son's teacher made a Calm Down chart and an emotion wheel. The chart shows the steps he can take to calm down. The emotion wheel allows him to turn the pointer to how he is feeling (mad, sad, frustrated, etc. then hopefully happy!).

We also have a "calming box" in a place where he can reach it. The box contains items he can squeeze plus a stuffed animal that he really loves.

Of course most of these things require an adult to physically intervene at the moment the aggression happens or catch it right before it happens. As tntbn says, its not always easy to get there in time to prevent the aggressive behavior. I am still not much good at doling out punishment for this behavior. Once he is calm again, we talk. I try to get him to talk about how he felt, what made him feel that way and how his hitting, biting, etc. makes other people feel.