marriage and compromise

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I have been married for 13 years to a man that is most likely and aspie. I have 2 kids on the spectrum, so I recognize the trends. He and my son are nearly identical in the difficulties they have. We married young so I was a bit unaware of what I was to do or what I should expect. It has not been a smooth road, I can assure you, but no relationship is. The main problem we have at this point (and it threatens to ruin the marriage) is that I am supposed to agree and go along with anything, no matter how outrageous that demand, and be pleased to do it. If it were adventure things, sure no problem. But it entails taking our paycheck to put into a savings account leaving not enough money to buy food for the kids or selling all the furniture to pay the bills rather than selling an old car that is not even in use. Very irrational and not at all in the best interest of the family. When I don't go along with his crazy ideas and get as stressed as him about his ideas, I become a target. He blames me for fabricating bills and taking "his money". This just enrages me and I cut all communication other than civil to him until I can be rational myself. Unfortunately, when he gets to this extreme end, he gets back at me by making me worry (the thing I hate the most and is the best tool of torture) by not eating and sleeping all the time. I know it is an act of sorts because I catch him up in the middle of the night trying to sneak around and get food and drinks without me hearing it. If it was just me, whatever, but he even avoided my daughters birthday yesterday and he is doing the same for the party on Sat. She is devastated even though this is nothing new to her. He hurts everyone because he is pissed. He gets pissed because the picture he wants of wealth and things is not just handed to him, and we are the targets because we cost money. We have to sacrifice so he can have his things. We walk on egg shells so he can be a dictator. I have heard all the advice that it is time to go, and if I have to for the kids I will, but I did not get married to run away and there has to be something to help him find peace and happiness in life. I fear the same fate for my son since he exhibits the same behaviors with other kids and does not understand. He has spells ( like the last few weeks) where he is such a great partner and he is supportive and a loving member of the family. He even has pretty good self esteem. Then something turns the switch and he is out of control. Please, someone have some advice. 13 years is wearing on me and I am running out of support and patience.

You could pass as my wife. Some of your complaints are nearly exactly what she and I went through, word for word. If nothing else, I can maybe explain your husband's problems with "his money." The other half of my marriage was extremely controlling. In issues of monies and finance, she tried to keep the details away from me and simply treated both our incomes as a single lump sum. Any (any!) purchase of mine had to be vetted by my wife, or it would result in a fight. I very clearly remember standing in Frys Electronics having a bitter argument because I wanted to buy a component for fifteen dollars, while she was equally blind in insisting I could get it cheaper on Ebay - probably in the hope I'd forget about it. It wasn't "my" money, it was "our" money. It wasn't "our" money, but "her" money. For all that I have worked/work in accounting I am bad at managing personal finances.

Maybe my wife's approach wasn't all that unfair in light of the above, but her hard-nosed and domineering approach raised my hackles. I'd dig in my heels simply because of her attitude and eventually wound up leaving her on the very topic. To make the distinction, it wasn't the whole concept, but her proprietary approach to it.

I can see your husband having blazing rows on the subject. If he is anything like the man I am he is digging in his heels simply because of your approach to the subject. It isn't a rational defence, but the simple concept of another person describing the money I'd worked for as wholly theirs was uniquely galling. Odds are that I'd have the same reaction in my next relationship.

Back off. Try a different approach by (I assume you manage the finances) simply not calling the money as being anything but his. I'd space out on the minutiae of household finances, but if a very large bill was waved at me and was made to understand it had to be paid, my response was usually different.

Try softly-softly?

OP, I'm reading your post and all I can think of is "power struggle" and co-dependence.

Okay, first bit of practical, short-term advice: why don't you two sit down and create a budget together? Gather your bills, your receipts, your ATM receipts for cash, and your pay stubs, and do the math.

Using this "income vs expense" strategy can help you take the emotional element out of managing your family's finances, because it will allow you to evaluate your family's budget based on fact, and not opinion. (People can be very emotional about money, because it can represent a means to fulfill emotional needs, e.g., a need for status; a need for love, etc. - and I think that's what's happening in your marriage.)

But you have, IMO, a bigger issue here. The money happens to be the focus of a power struggle between you and your husband, a fight for control. He tries to control you by doling out or withholding money; you try to control him by withdrawing affection and attention; he tries to control you by refusing to eat; you contemplate ending the marriage. And unfortunately, your kids are the collateral damage of this struggle. Completely unacceptable.

I recommend reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will provide some insight into co-dependence and how it's affecting your marriage. I also recommend finding a good therapist for marriage counseling. You two have to figure out how to negotiate these (and other) marital issues fairly and reasonably so you, your husband, and your kids can live in peace with each other. Good luck.

Can I ask the OP what her husband does with the money? Does he spend it on anything or no? If he does, is it on things just for him?

Co-dependency is horrible. I've often been co-dependent and I got locked into a relationship for a long time that was co-dependent. Making the decision to end that relationship was EXTREMELY difficult, but things ended up being for the best.

My wife and I kept all our income and expenses completely separated right at first. Our system was basically that we split our joint expenses precisely proportionate to income--so if I made 70% of the family income and she made 30%, then that's exactly the percentage we both paid on the bills. That left both of us PLENTY of money to cover individual expenses and debts, as well as going out to eat (date night), movies, gifts on birthdays and holidays, and still have plenty left over for a savings account.

Of course, when the economy went to hell in a hand basket, we both lost our jobs at different times and all bank accounts went in the red. Things got so bad, to make a long story short, that we've gotten rid of all our bank accounts except an emergency savings account that I maintain and a joint family savings account that we use strictly as-needed. Any time either one of us gets a paycheck, we immediately cash it and handle all our affairs on a strict cash-basis. Before I handled the actual payment of ALL our bills and even had an automated system that handled it. Now my wife handles everything. It's been an humbling experience, especially for me, but the whole thing has actually enhanced our relationship because, for the first time, we began to truly share EVERYTHING in our relationship. I sign my checks, give them to her, and trust her to do the right thing. I really have no idea whether she's blowing all my money. All I know is the lights stay on every month!

Thanks for the replies. I "sought marriage counseling" on the internet because I know that I can not be right all the time. Sometimes you have to step outside yourself and take a good look through someone else's eyes.
On the non-defensive, I agree that I am a strong willed person. I have been running this family on my own in every aspect out of necessity and it has put me in a certain "position of power" (for lack of better terms). I do all the budgeting (and yes we have done this numerous times) and I account for everything I spend. I do not, on the other hand, force him to account for everything since he feels so strongly about his money. I balk about it only when he accuses me of stealing it. I have even put mine in a ledger with receipts so he could add it up (and it is all bills). There are two sides of this story. He said that he feels like we are poor. He said "there are always bad things happening to us and you are always there when they do". He is meaning the house with the sinkhole, my as daughter having seizures, my son getting appendicitis (all things he mentioned with this statement)... I know he is stressed out. I am sure this is how he is expressing that. What I don't understand is attacking the people that are trying to be there for you. He told me tonight that he was preparing the end of this. The kids are a disappointment and I am a burden. I am very co-dependant and I have to figure out how to get over that, so thank you for the book suggestion. I need to stop being angry at things that have always been this way and look to where I am going now, since I have no choice. Thank you for the insight on how he sees his money. Although I don't agree with the reason for it, I can at least understand some of what he is thinking now. It also give me peace of mind that I have been doing what I can in the budget to try and avoid him feeling like I am stealing it or taking it all away. I hate that this is happening. I don't really want to sit by and let it all go. I don't know what to say anymore. Thanks.

Hey OP - just to be clear, I don't think you're the only one struggling for power in your relationship - I think you and your husband are both struggling.

I really encourage you to try to get your husband to counseling - get a recommendation from your doctor or minister or someone you both consider objectively neutral. I really think your best chance to save your marriage is with the assistance of a neutral third party. Good luck, hon.