Significant other demanding I defriend an ex-crush

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You're all still wrong people:

It's abuse to demand of an adult who they can or can't be friends with. If you're willing to compromise for someone's irrational insecurity, that's your choice. It's abuse for a male to tell a female who she can or can't be friends with, just as the converse is true. People can say, but plenty of males or females are like this! That just means they're all insecure and/or untrusting and abusers too.

The "right" thing is for the partner to let her position known without demanding anything. They can then talk about it. If the partner is so uncomfortable that she must resort to abuse, then she can leave, as the relationship has reached an unhealthy and untrusting point.

It's kinda sobering to see people think this form of abuse is ok. It's no different to any other forms of, as it's all for the sake of controlling a person for their own ends (which abuse is).

@Danielismyname, I honestly don't think you're reading these posts. You are equating a negotiation within a relationship with an abuse of authority. In order for your perspective to make sense, the woman involved would have to have authority over the OP - which she clearly doesn't have. It's not abusive to make a demand - it's abusive to coerce or use other unsavory means to enforce compliance with a demand on an unwilling participant. That is not happening in this situation.

The OP has free will - if he thinks his SO's demand is unreasonable, he can refuse to accommodate her. That may signal the end of the relationship (or it may not - who knows?), but it's still his choice whether he'll acquiesce to her terms or not. That's why so many people who have posted in this thread disagree with you: making a demand simply does not equal abuse.

Personal opinion, both sides are being unreasonable. There is a need for privacy, and a forum to discuss things away from one's SO - absolutely, no argument. His violation of that shows a lack of trust, and a lack of trustworthiness. The decision to form that area for discussion in such a public and shared place as Facebook (which is known for privacy issues and is a social networking site not a private blog provider) wasn't the best. That does not justify his behavior, but does create an antagonistic situation that does not take into account the feelings or needs of one's partner. It is a matter of communication and expectation, and I think both parties were lacking here.


M.

@Mak....I don't think Facebook is involved here?

I am friends with exes and I talk about them a lot. Part of my problem with being a female aspe for me in partcular is that I dont really get on well with other females and I have few female friends. Anyone who goes out with me would have to tolerate the fact that I am in infrequent friendly contact with a few exes from years ago. I actually went to London to meet up wth two of them in 08.

I can also see why ex contact would make partners pretty uncomfortable though. It would depend on the situation, really. It depends how often you see them, what kind of relationshp you have now, whether you spend time alone together or if it is just some emails.. if you meet up if is better to have a friendly cup of coffee than meet in a smoky cocktail lounge, some types of friendships with exes are not appropriate.

I think I know what thread makuranososhi was trying to respond to, and it wasn't this one. Carry on.

I think people have been reading a bit too much into the OP's posts.

I am a bit shocked at how little value people are putting on friendship. I would think that people around here mostly have a fair amount of difficulty making friends, and would understand how big of a deal being asked to discard half of one's friends at once would be.

I think there's also some misunderstanding about what monogamy is. It isn't throwing away any friendships your SO might want, it's fidelity and loyalty and dedication to that one person. It seems a lot of people think that it's being loyal to that one person by being disloyal to others.

@OP: While it's unreasonable to ask you to stop being friends, it isn't unreasonable for your SO to be concerned. It's also reasonable for her to ask you not to eat lunch with your female friend alone. See if you can negotiate some sort of definite rules to follow that will keep both of you happy.

Also, if the long distance thing is going to work, you are going to have to make sure to keep in very regular contact with your SO.

@Ancalagon, I really don't think your POV is very different from most of the people who've responded to this thread. I think the only difference is that most of the other responders acknowledge that there are times when commitment requires one to choose between one's primary relationship and other relationships. Eventually, the majority of committed relationships will involve that kind of decision.