Asperger Syndrome & secretly desire affection

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nick007
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08 May 2010, 6:51 pm

I think most people with AS do not like affection or being touched & most people who know me offline would say I'm anti-touch & anti-affection. Thing is I secretly have a very strong desire for affection but only from someone who I would feel very close & comfortable with. I also think I would sleep much better if I was with someone but I'm NOT close or comfortable with anyone & I think that the only way I could ever get to that point would be if I was in a serious romantic relationship with someone. I spend quite a lot of time thinking about this & it seems kind of like some fantasy obsession for me. I'm wondering if I wer to meet someone & feel close comfortable with her; would I actually like the hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging ect that I fantasize about or is this an obsession that I would not enjoy :?


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Descartes
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08 May 2010, 7:07 pm

I like receiving affection, though I may seem like I wouldn't. I also like being touched because it gives me a tingly feeling that I really like. :)



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08 May 2010, 7:09 pm

It's no secret for me. I like a good touching, from the right people.


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Willard
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08 May 2010, 7:10 pm

nick007 wrote:
I think most people with AS do not like affection or being touched



I'm not sure that's accurate. I don't like being touched by strangers or people who are just trying to keep my attention while they babble at me, but affectionate touches are a whole different ball game. Without affectionate touches, how would you ever proceed to sex, and if you never proceed to sex, well, what's the point in living? :D

I have found over many years, though, that I do not particularly enjoy sleeping next to another person for any reason whatever. You never know when they're going to want to talk. :roll: :evil:



IdahoRose
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08 May 2010, 7:28 pm

On the contrary, I love being affectionate with other people, especially hugging, cuddling and hand-holding. I used to have a strong urge to hug and cuddle when I was a child, which people found cute until I hit puberty. Then all of a sudden they started getting weirded out, and I had to train myself not to be so affectionate. Now I don't show affection unless the other person makes it clear they want it from me.



conan
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08 May 2010, 7:30 pm

i think i kinda feel the same. i love being affectionate when it is genuine and someone i trust. i am like that with my GF and i would say that alone is one of the best things about having her. i'm not dead set against physical contact otherwise but i am not so keen. i used to enjoy play wrestling with my friends and brother but it seems we are to grown up for that now. you just got to try it and see.



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08 May 2010, 7:46 pm

My sister gives the BEST really tight hugs. I don't mind hugs from people I love. Casual touches like when someone puts a hand on my shoulder or my back while they're squeezing by me or even just passing me I don't like so much. That would happen a lot at my first job and I had to learn to put up with it.


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DonkeyBuster
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08 May 2010, 8:01 pm

I enjoy affectionate touch from friends except for between the shoulder blades... that always startles me. But hugs, hand on the shoulder, bumping shoulders... all good.

I don't care for it from strangers, it's a space invasion if it's more than a shoulder tap to get my attention.

But I, too, am a little vague as to when to offer it... :?



EaglesSayMeow
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08 May 2010, 8:20 pm

I divide touches into three categories:
Purposeful/accidental touches are people tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention, or bumping into me while walking. Handshakes also go in this category. I don't mind accidental touching since I grew up in New York. Manhattan, not upstate NY.

Bad touches are people who I'm not fully comfortable with (most of the world) touching me intentionally and to show affection. (like a friend putting their arm around my shoulders or people holding my hands for long periods of time in group activities)

Good touches are people who I know well and am comfortable with touching me. They can get away with touching me in any way, pretty much. However, there are very few 'safe' people for me. People who can touch me pretty much are my immediate family, my best friend, and my cousin and two friends who've known me since I was less than a year old.



auntblabby
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08 May 2010, 8:32 pm

i am hugging-deprived :(



nick007
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08 May 2010, 8:41 pm

I never liked being hugged even from my parents as an infant. When people touch me unexpectedly; I jump. Handshakes are OK but It's not an unexpected touch. When I was little; I used to have violent reactions to being touched. I was bullied a lot thou so I think some of it could be related to that like PTSD. I feel like I'm wanting something that I could never have thou because I don't think I'll ever be close enough to anyone. I feel like I should be doing something else instead of fantasizing/obsessing about it

BTW Willard I like talking & I mite would do it more than most people


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Kiro
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08 May 2010, 8:44 pm

I hate being touched, I just don't get it the whole "being touched" thing.

If someone tap on my shoulder, or even if someone hit my chair, I JUMP. I'm very surprised, and even if someone hit my chair repeatedly, I'm still suprised and I still jump after 30 hits. That's weird and I can't explain that.

Then, the "social" touching. I never shake hands until high-school (when I was about 15), and the first time I asked "Why do we have to shake hands, can't we just say "hi" ??", and I still ask myself. I don't get it.

And there's the "hug". I feel very unconfortable huging anybody. I've never got used to it, even with my girlfriend, when I was 14. 1 year ago, there was a girl who liked me, she liked "huging", it always felt weird, unnatural to me, I always felt clumsy and... didn't like it at all. (well, even walking in the street is hard for me...)

EDIT : after reading the message from Willard about having sex, I'm wondering : Nick, did you ever had a girlfriend (sorry if that's disrespectful :(), and if yes, how did you behave ?
The only time I was in a bed with a girl, we were both drunk and wel... I was VERY "touchy", and she was too ;) Which is weird, and that day I understood why people like being drunk :)



Last edited by Kiro on 08 May 2010, 8:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Ancalagon
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08 May 2010, 8:46 pm

nick007 wrote:
I also think I would sleep much better if I was with someone but I'm NOT close or comfortable with anyone

Something you might want to try -- sleeping next to a pillow. I tend to sleep better when I do that.


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astaut
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08 May 2010, 8:47 pm

nick007 wrote:
I think most people with AS do not like affection or being touched & most people who know me offline would say I'm anti-touch & anti-affection. Thing is I secretly have a very strong desire for affection but only from someone who I would feel very close & comfortable with. I also think I would sleep much better if I was with someone but I'm NOT close or comfortable with anyone & I think that the only way I could ever get to that point would be if I was in a serious romantic relationship with someone. I spend quite a lot of time thinking about this & it seems kind of like some fantasy obsession for me. I'm wondering if I wer to meet someone & feel close comfortable with her; would I actually like the hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging ect that I fantasize about or is this an obsession that I would not enjoy :?


I'm like this, maybe you just are too. I don't like friends or family touching me, and friends say they can't imagine me in a relationship/being close with someone. But when I'm in a relationship I become very loving/very touchy, IMO. Of course, this is only after I know someone really well, not after one date or anything. I haven't slept in the same bed with a boyfriend so I don't know if I enjoy that. Anyways, whether you'll enjoy it or not isn't something I would worry about, if I were you.



IdahoRose
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08 May 2010, 8:56 pm

auntblabby wrote:
i am hugging-deprived :(


Oh auntblabby I'd hug you if I could. :)



fiddlerpianist
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09 May 2010, 1:17 am

If anything, my problem growing up was that I showed everyone too much affection and didn't understand (though I quickly learned) that you didn't kiss your peers.

I have always been very affectionate, and I have to say that the idea of not liking to be touched is completely foreign to me.


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