Pressuring Me or Just Talking?

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My boyfriend and I have been going out almost 3 months now, and I'm still a virgin...not planning on changing that till I'm married....I told him that already. But every once in a while, he asks me about it, and says he knows I'm not ready, but that he really wants me, and blah blah blah....and I stay quiet b/c I don't really know what to say. I'm really bad at relationship stuff....clearly not ready for THAT.

So last night we were in his car and he asked me "what if you lost control?" And I'm like...."I'm not going to. I won't, don't worry." And then he was like, "But what if?" And I said that it was my job not to. It seems like he's just talking about it, but is that pressuring me really? I know he loves me, and he did say that if he did something I didn't like while we were kissing, to tell him and he'd stop. But I mean....is he still pressuring me? I don't know....I don't get it....help me decode please!! Argh...

It's hormones, especially at that age, early 20s. Guys think about sex ALL THE TIME when they're that age. When I was younger I found myself pressuring my gf's for sex even when I wasn't really going to FORCE anything, since I'm not that kind of guy, when she says no I stop. If he's AS it's definitely made worse by the OCD. One thing you can do is offer to let him look for sex elsewhere while still dating you, sort of an open relationship. When my main HS squeeze and I were intimate, she was intimate with other guys too, and it didn't bug me.

He's actually an NT. And the thing is....he wants ME....why? Probably because (beside him really liking me) I've never been touched and it probably appeals to him much much more than all the other girls around....and because I'm his girlfriend and he thinks it's normal to have sex...which it probably IS now, but I'm just not there....and I am really falling for him, but by no means am I going to change my mind about that. And every time we have that talk, he gets frustrated for some reason or another...no clue why! lol...and then he just goes "ok I'll never bring up this topic again..." but he does anyway...lol =\ What IS that?!

It sounds like he might be trying to pressure you in a passive aggressive way. Like he thinks you'll give in & change your mind if he brings it up enough.

I'm going to be honest here. I dated a virgin once in college, someone who was very unsocial and inexperienced. I'll tell you the same thing I told her:

"Because I'm older and it's something I've come to expect, you really need to think about whether you want to be with me or not because it's going to become an issue a lot sooner than you want it to."

I didn't say that to be mean or to pressure her. I said it because I cared about her and didn't want her to be unhappy if I put her in a position to decide something she wasn't ready for.

What you should seriously think about is how important this is to you. If he can't handle it, you need to cut him loose and find a guy who truly feels the same way you do. Hormones are NO excuse.

I am concerned about him saying "What if you lost control ?"
Does that mean he would ply you with alcohol or substances to gain control over you ?

Hopefully not, but you must clearly tell him again what you are comfortable doing and what makes you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps if he wants more from your blossoming relationship at this stage maybe he is the wrong guy for you.

Remember no means no !

It sounds a bit passive aggressive, but it also sounds like he is feeling you out on many things. Guys dating virgins (I have) will want to know just 'how virgin are you?' If you plan to remain a virgin, you MUST be clear about boundaries. Not sure if the "Lost control" question is a red flag or not, maybe a yellow flag.

Many years ago My Super Virgin Girlfriend(I own the movie rights) would be asked by me various situational rhetorical questions. "What should I do if you're drunk and you're all over me?" "Is touching ok?" "Can I touch your feet? Other places?" We didn't have sex, but we did many many other things, and she did many many things to me.

Last edited by Epilefftic on 10 May 2010, 12:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I find it rather interesting he asks what if she lost control.
Why would he care if she lost? Cause he is the one asking for sex, i'm pretty sure he would welcome it with open arms.
So it does seem kinda weird he asks that, does kinda sound like he might try to do something to lessen the OP's judging power from what to do and what not.

OP, if you're truly committed to saving sex for marriage, you need to have a very frank discussion with your bf and tell him that you absolutely will not consent to sex before marriage. Don't equivocate, don't negotiate, don't bargain - don't give him a glimmer of hope that you will some day "lose control" and have sex with him. Tell him that you consider the subject closed, and you don't want to discuss it again.

That said, be prepared for the consequences: he'll probably break up with you. I say that because he doesn't want to have a sex-less relationship, which is why he keeps questioning your commitment to your chastity. He wants premarital sex, you don't. He's not a bad guy for wanting sex, you're not a bad girl for not wanting it. It all adds up to a very large incompatibility, and unfortunately, I think it means you two are not a match.

Inexperience is not sacred and does not improve with age, and human sexuality does have an expiration date.

My response has nothing to do with your pushy boyfriend, who BTW is only normal and seems quite respectful of your neuroses.

You cannot imagine at the place where you are now, how soon the day will come when you look around you and realize with a shock that your life has rocketed past you so fast, you can't even remember most of it, and a lot of what you do remember was self-induced trauma.

Your rollercoaster is just cresting the top of the big hill. You gonna enjoy the thrills, or cover your eyes and repeat "I'm not ready, I'm not ready" until the ride ends and you've wasted your ticket?

I think you should tell him no and to please stop asking you about it.

I think Willard is being a little harsh here, but there's definitely a point to be made here.

The young lady I was talking about (she was 18 at the time) gave me the whole "I'm not ready" thing and fought me off for a few months before anything happened. The difference, though, is she accepted that it was going to happen eventually. The last thing I said before crossing that line was that nobody is ever really ready, and she had plenty of opportunities to push me away. What was really beautiful and remarkable about her was how quickly she adjusted to our new relationship as a sexual couple. I even remember asking her if that had really been her first!

The last time we spoke she was dating or maybe even living with a new bf who was about experienced as she was when I had her (irony). She mentioned that maybe since sex wasn't as important to her and clearly her bf felt the same way, that waiting for marriage might be a better option. I have to admit I don't have that kind of self-control, so I admire her for that.

This may sound funny coming from me, but sex is NOT the most important thing in the world. I think waiting for marriage is a wonderful thing. But even if you DO make it to marriage, don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to be "ready." You won't be ready! I think that in not being ready, though, lies more of the joy of it. Take a natural consequence of sex: Getting pregnant. NOTHING prepares you for that, I don't care how long you've been married. My wife (who was NOT a virgin when I met her) and I decided to give the whole baby thing a try almost a year after we got married. We're STILL not ready for it, but we have to wake up both our toddlers (a 2-yo and a 1-yo, long story!! !) and get them ready for daycare every morning. It still scares us, but at least once a week she'll tell me "I miss being pregnant." And just so you know, she lost all interest in sex after baby #2 until very recently. So here I am, a 32-yo guy with overactive hormones, married, and I'm going a year without getting any!

Let's just say I've picked up a lot of non-sex-related hobbies.

Waiting for marriage is a good thing, but don't imagine that all your problems are going to disappear after you say your vows. You think you have pressure NOW, he's going to declare you open season after the wedding. The best thing you can do is either find a guy you don't mind "losing control" with or find someone you know will go the distance with you to marriage. Any guy that brings it up once isn't going to let it go until he gets what he wants.

Allow me to correct that statement.



From what I hear, guys think about sex every 7 seconds or so. Just a matter of nature.

I think he is pressuring you. You need to tell him to stop talking about it. If you don't want to consent then don't. If he continues then I'd leave him. He's not being respectful of your wishes.

Male biology alters rational thinking, and it's very hard to resist. Once you start making out, the train gains momentum and then it takes a lot of effort to stop it.

So, what you're doing there while "kissing" is actually a form of torture. You start out, and then you put up a wall - go no farther! It's like getting in a car with someone who is learning to drive, and they jerk it forward and then stop, jerk forward, stop.

If you don't intend to have sex for a while, maybe you should stop engaging in activities that precede it. Clearly your b/f can't handle things the way they are now.

Also, though love includes attachment, attachment by itself isn't love.

I think you need to tell him he's making you uncomfortable & ask him if he's intentionally pressuring you. If he really cares about you he'll stop. Also, you may need to thoroughly define "no sex before marriage" (make sure to be clear with no penetration or else he may ask for oral or rectal sex, etc.) (If I'm too graphic sorry, I found out the hard way as a college freshman that you need to be VERY specific with men...). My way of deterring men from wanting to have sex with me is by being awkward & planning on telling them to "just masturbate & shut the **** up already" (my friends fell over when I threw the phrase out... ). To be perfectly blunt, if you give him a sexual outlet besides touching you he may calm down a bit.

p.s. Sorry for the swearing, but I found it gives good emphasis. Also, I still don't understand why my NT friends & even my parents think my yelling something about masturbating is funny... NT humor = WEIRD