Guys, Girls, I'm a Nice Guy :'(

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NeantHumain
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03 Apr 2006, 11:01 am

I was reading a few posted links about nice guys, and I identify. I stay up at 4:00 A.M. listening to nice girls talking about their jerk boyfriends. I hold open doors for them and bite my tongue when I want to say something funny or just obnoxious but inappropriate. Et cetera.

Is there any help for our lot, friends?



anandamide
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03 Apr 2006, 11:15 am

The answer is simple. Be your honest and authentic self rather than forcing yourself to be what you think women define as a "nice guy". Chances are if you are a man you will never get this so called "nice guy" behavior right anyway, you will only come off as a passive aggressive jerk. Most women can tell if you are pretending to be "nice" while secretly seething with sexually aggression. That kind of behavior is creepy. You need to find respectful ways of being very honest and authentic in your behavior toward women. All people are attracted to other people who have the confidence to be themselves in any interaction.

When my partner met me he did everything wrong, but he did it with such heart and sincerity that I was very charmed.



NeantHumain
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03 Apr 2006, 11:44 am

anandamide wrote:
The answer is simple. Be your honest and authentic self rather than forcing yourself to be what you think women define as a "nice guy". Chances are if you are a man you will never get this so called "nice guy" behavior right anyway, you will only come off as a passive aggressive jerk. Most women can tell if you are pretending to be "nice" while secretly seething with sexually aggression. That kind of behavior is creepy. You need to find respectful ways of being very honest and authentic in your behavior toward women. All people are attracted to other people who have the confidence to be themselves in any interaction.

When my partner met me he did everything wrong, but he did it with such heart and sincerity that I was very charmed.

I was actually half-kidding. I do sometimes get lumped with the "nice guy" stigma, though. Then they witness how I'm not such a nice guy to the competition, whom I hate with limitless ferocity.



anandamide
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03 Apr 2006, 12:24 pm

Well I am female and I have great trouble being a nice person sometimes. When I am unhappy I tend to lash out toward other adults in my family. Like today for example. It's my birthday and I'm 42 years old. As well, today, I am going to meet with a staffperson at a funeral home to make plans for an upcoming funeral of someone very close to me. I am heartbroken and full of sadness. As well, and this is a petty issue and I know it's petty, but like the previous ten years I have no one in my extended family who can afford to buy me a birthday present of any sort. This lack of birthday present is really unimportant in comparison to how tragic the death of someone close to me is and yet I cannot help feeling upset and angry that I don't get any uplifting or happy moment on my stinking birthday because no one can afford to treat me. I can't afford to treat myself even though I have treated others in the past. And so all of these feelings are seething and boiling away in my guts. My partner will be accepting and patient if I am mean and crabby to him today. That's the kind of relationship we have. We accept each others behavioral problems.



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03 Apr 2006, 7:50 pm

I'm glad you were half-kidding, because it seems like the constant " girls don't like nice guys " threads here are from a very skewed perspective. Given how almost everyone here has Asperger's, is it any wonder that your luck with the opposite sex would be less than ideal? You're almost speaking a different language than them, so regardless of how nice you are, it's going to be much more difficult for you to find a mate than for a " Neurotypical " person, because the other person has a much harder time getting to know you.

I accept that my poor social skills and incredible social anxieties are the reasons that I haven't had much success with women, not because they were bad people who only go for jerks. I am working on taking opportunities to improve my conversation skills, and get to the point where I can communicate effectively with other people. That has nothing to do with my basic decency.


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hellznrg
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04 Apr 2006, 12:15 am

after reading all the stuff in the forums lately... i've come to this conclusion:

1. guys have NO clue about what women want.

2. women have EVEN LESS of a clue about what they themselves want.

oh and.... have a nice day, losers... oops i mean nice guys... :)


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ELLCIM
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04 Apr 2006, 8:23 am

Nitz wrote:
I'm glad you were half-kidding, because it seems like the constant " girls don't like nice guys " threads here are from a very skewed perspective. Given how almost everyone here has Asperger's, is it any wonder that your luck with the opposite sex would be less than ideal? You're almost speaking a different language than them, so regardless of how nice you are, it's going to be much more difficult for you to find a mate than for a " Neurotypical " person, because the other person has a much harder time getting to know you.


In all truth though, a lot of my guy friends are NT nice-guys, and they've had even less success than I have (at least I can get the occasional date). They are also living proof that the advice often given to "stop looking" in order to have a girlfriend does not work, because girls ignore them completely. It's not that they're not interested in girls - they've been using the "not looking" concept for a number of years and it doesn't work. It just proves that "nice guys", whether NT or Aspie, looking or not looking, always have great difficulty with relationships.



hellznrg
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06 Apr 2006, 7:34 am

ELLCIM wrote:
In all truth though, a lot of my guy friends are NT nice-guys, and they've had even less success than I have (at least I can get the occasional date). They are also living proof that the advice often given to "stop looking" in order to have a girlfriend does not work, because girls ignore them completely. It's not that they're not interested in girls - they've been using the "not looking" concept for a number of years and it doesn't work. It just proves that "nice guys", whether NT or Aspie, looking or not looking, always have great difficulty with relationships.


i know what u mean... i tried the "stop looking" thing too, and it doesn't work...! if u stop looking, women think you're ignoring them... and then automatically assume your gay!


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TheOrangeMage
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06 Apr 2006, 2:59 pm

hellznrg wrote:
after reading all the stuff in the forums lately... i've come to this conclusion:

1. guys have NO clue about what women want.

2. women have EVEN LESS of a clue about what they themselves want.

oh and.... have a nice day, losers... oops i mean nice guys... :)


I think inverses are true though; that the girls don't know what guys want, and that guys don't know what they themselves want. :lol:



ELLCIM
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06 Apr 2006, 9:02 pm

hellznrg wrote:
i know what u mean... i tried the "stop looking" thing too, and it doesn't work...! if u stop looking, women think you're ignoring them... and then automatically assume your gay!


Yay, we agree on something! Yeah, for awhile I was suspecting that at least a couple of those guys might be gay (which of course doesn't affect my relationship with them). Turned out one was heterosexual ultimately, as he got into girls for the first time very recently. The others, hard to say.