Feeling left out

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Do you ever feel left out or like you are missing out on something?

I am my sister's bridesmaid in a few months time along with another 2 girls. They are going bridesmaid dress shopping on Saturday and I wanted to go, but my sister said that she just wanted a girly afternoon with her best friends because she hasn't seen them in ages. I was really upset, but she pointed out that I don't like girly things anyway and I wouldn't enjoy it. I can't help feeling left out. I wanted to be a bridesmaid after going to a wedding last year. The bride is only really an acquiantance, but I've known her husband for a few years, but I saw her with her 4 bridesmaids and they had all grown up together and were having fun and I thought, I want to be a part of something like that. They all went dress shopping together and had fun. I guess I really need to resign myself to not being normal. It's really hard to cope though. I wish I was just regular and happy.

Aw, I think anyone would feel a bit left out after that.

I don't blame your sister for wanting to go shopping with just her best friends, because it is hard to catch up with a sibling on tow, but I do understand why you feel hurt.

If you think about it, what part of the shopping would you actually miss? The sitting around whilst they try on every dress in the shop? The false flattery and praise? The subtle bitchiness and fallings out that quite often occur when people get tired near the end? Plus, in between you would have to talk to these people, so if you have nothing in common, that can be a bit awkward.

I think this is one of the things that sounds more fun than it actually is, especially if you're not uber-girly. Don't get caught up in the hype.

I'm a little confused though, did your sister say you could be a bridesmaid and then changed her mind, or is this a different wedding? If you're a bridesmaid, I think it is a little unfair not to let you help choose the dress if the others are allowed.

How about coming to a compromise with your sister? You could go shopping with them in the morning, and leave them alone after lunch to catch up with each other?

Sex...drugs...The Beatles. Not really.

No, apparently I'm the chief bridesmaid and as such I get a different dress to the others. I started to panic though, because I don't have a dress yet, we haven't organised to go shopping for one and she's organised to go get dresses for the others. I said to her it's like you don't care what I wear. She says she doesn't really care what any of us wear, so I reckon I could just go get any dress I like and she'd be ok with it, so I suppose it's good that she's not a bridezilla control freak.

If you want your sister to be a part of getting your dress, why don't you set up an afternoon for just the two of you to go look for a dress?

I'm a pretty nasty person when it comes to things like this, so don't take advice from me.

The kindest thing I can think of is to tell her you're wearing the same dress as the other bridesmaids only in a different colour, and she can arrange to pay for it and pick it up.

Or maybe you could wear a shocking pink tuxedo, with hair to match.
Or dress like a rhinestone cowgirl, with spurs that clank when you walk.
Or dress all in black, including black nail polish and black lipstick.
Or get all dressed up gorgeous and wear floppy bunny slippers on your feet.

Personally, I would tell her to get another bridesmaid, since she's not treating you like a bridesmaid, she's not even treating you like a human being.

"You can't come." What a stinky thing to say to a person who had every reason to be welcome.

How old are you? How old is the bride? Do you live with your parents?

I hadn't heard of having a bridesmaid dress differently from the others. Maid of Honor, maybe? I never had any, so what do I know?

But I don't blame you. If she wanted a day out with friends, fine. But the fact that she was going dress shopping for the wedding with all but one of the people who needed to buy a dress... well, that was on the tacky side. I've come across this before... someone thinks they're showing you respect by saying they don't care what you choose, possibly meaning they trust your judgment, but it comes across as a slight because the situation calls for a more personal response. And sadly, some people just don't want to make extra effort. I don't know which it is in your case, but from your description I'm inclined to think that she just trusts your taste in clothing. Few brides that I've seen show that kind of trust in anyone. But of course, I said I'm clueless already.

Unfortunately, I also see that going along would not have been terribly fun, necessarily. If it was me, I'd likely end up feeling just as left out with them as without them... maybe more. It would be nice if she'd give you at least some input or a shopping trip with just her. You can shop for a dress without being "girly" about it. Just... shop for a dress.

And for what its worth, it could have been the opposite. You can bet that if my sister had had bridesmaids, and if she had been willing to let me be one (seriously, she thought I was little more than a wild child raised by monkeys), there's no way on this earth that she would have let me choose my own dress.

Thank you for helping me appreciate the distance I live from my family.

Anyway, if you want her to shop with you, it sounds like you'll have to ask her straight out to please come shopping with you. Give whatever reason you like. But just ask.

But you were talking about feeling left out. Yeah, I always feel left out. I've gone too far with it, now I leave out everyone else. Watch out for that.

You know the most of us have been told by "experts" that we are "mind blind" to some degree and have trouble reading social cues. And that may be so, but I propose that NT's are no better at reading us than we are at reading them.

And if you consider that one of the reasons NT's are hard to read is because they do often intentionally try to mask their true feelings, often by being vague, sending mixed signals, or out right lying, and we, for the most part, tend to be quite honest and straight forward, then it only seems logical to conclude that it is actually they who are more "mind blind" than we are.

Anyway the end result is a communication barrier. NT's cannot read you, take mercy on them.
Their world is one where a person must fit a certain personality type template, and where certain interests must be associated with certain personality type templates, and when a person cannot be defined in this manner, they are utterly at a loss.

They are doomed to mis-judge us.

You sister just committed one of the biggest NT social blunders by the way: Not inviting a person to an event and trying to justify it to themselves by telling the person they would not like it.

She does this because she feels guilty as she knows (now anyway) that you actually did want to go.

Anyway, as upsetting as it is, I think it's probably best just to let the matter go, and maybe in the future find some ways to better communicate to those around you who you are.

We need to be a little more explicit in expressing our interests to them.

Actually, I was so upset that I did do that, I told her I wasn't being her bridesmaid anymore and instantaneously regretted it. She's used to me going over the top when I'm upset, so didn't take it personally, thankfully. She said I should just wait and see how I feel later on. She also said that the plan was for me her and Mum to go shopping and because Mum is buying my dress (my sister is buying the other 2 dresses) I'm getting a nicer one than the other two bridesmaids, but she doesn't want them to feel put out because my dress is more expensive. I said, ok, I like that plan. She text back, "That was always the plan until you freaked out and took everything the wrong way." I replied, "in my defence I didn't know that there was a plan and it looked like they were getting dresses and I wasn't" I really need things to be clearly explained to me or I get upset. I think it must be hard for her to deal with.

I am 28, she is 23 and I live on my own and she still lives with our parents. I have a good friend who is about the same age as my parents who's advice was, "why don't you speak to your parents about it." I keep having to remind her that I have bohemian parents who let us do what we want. It would only upset my mum to think that we are arguing.

Glad it worked out. Seems like it was just a case of miscommunication on her part.

So, do you get a lot of your family making plans and then for some reason not telling you? I swear my family never tells me anything. And then they get upset when I didn't assume something instead of being told, or say that they told me and I forgot. I forget so much that I can't really argue otherwise.

I dunno, I don't get it. I'm glad it's sorted out, but I don't get this making of plans but not bothering to mention them. I can't imagine anyone, even an NT, saying, "Oh, I'm not invited. Well, that's okay, that must mean I'm going shopping with someone else later." But yeah, it's all settled, this is a good thing.

People are so confusing. And they're all in such a danged hurry, too.

This happens alot in my family. But we are all guilty of it. It's not just me. none of us seem to be able to communicate. I need plans, but my mother hates plans and likes to do things spur of the moment. I was in a road accident once and ended up in hospital. I was moved from casualty in one hosipital and transferred to another hospital. My Mum was told which hospital, so travelled a half hour journey to get there and when she asked at reception they had no record of me. I had probably only been there for less than an hour. My Mum just figured I would turn up eventually, so went home and came back in the evening when they hospital could tell her where I was. I spent all day by myself, but didn't know why. My family don't do communication.

Bummer! But it explains a lot about the situation.

It's like being a living/walking/breathing conundrum. If I don't get invited, I feel left out, if I do get invited, I feel guilty for not wanting to attend. There's just no way to win.

I get your meaning I think, as in the past people have not invited me out with thier group becuase they have assumed whatever they were/are doing wouldn't be "My kinda thing", and it sucks to be nothing more than scenery because we know were more than that.

This is the story of my life (well, not the wedding part, I've never been asked to be part of a wedding party) but the getting left out and people making plans without me and not telling me. My family has done this as long as I can remember (and acquaintances have done some, but I really don't purposely hang out with non-relatives who act like this once it becomes evident). To the point that, I really would prefer to do things with just one or two of them not more than that, because when a few of them get together (like my mother and my sister, or my cousins), they start excluding me.

A lot of it is supposed "teasing" like: leaving me behind at a location or acting like they are going to. "Forgetting" me. Talking about me to each other in the 3rd person. Putting me in the far back of the vehicle and rolling down the windows so I can't hear the conversation up front (stating this is the reason).

They also make plans with each other like going on trips and vacations and then say "I thought you knew?" sometimes they don't tell me until after they come back, and I'm not invited or even informed (I get the impression sometimes that they don't tell me because I might want to go, so they pretend later that they thought they told me or they wait until it's too late).

In terms of more distant acquaintances like people at work, some of whom I wouldn't mind being friends with, it's almost always been a situation where I feel "out of the loop." I'm the last to find out about plans, parties, lunches, etc and it's usually after the fact (not that I would invite myself along to these things if nobody asked). Yeah, I have a lot of trouble in social situations, and I'm certainly not the life of the party, but unfortunately I still feel the need for social contact, so it would be nice to be included even as uncomfortable as it can be (with the exception that if they're just going to sit around and drink or I don't actually like any of the people, I would avoid it).