Relationship Problems.

Post Reply New Topic

I must admit I finally summed up the courage to sign up to here and post a thread, so here goes.

I was diagnosed with "Aspergers" when I was a young lad of about 13 and have since then (in my mind) grown out of the more troubling aspects of it into a normal(ish) well adjusted person. The main sticking problem however when it comes to relationships.

While I can function "normally" in a relationship I suffer greatly from the lack of gathering social cues from the other half, this in turn leads almost always to a great row and days of fuming. This has happened about five times now (doesn't help I seem to pick women with are quite .. ah .. passionate .. about things).

Currently I am with a lovely girl and we both think the world of each other but it's obviously becoming too much for her to bear and fractures (as much as I don't want it) are beginning to form .. and our last argument was over a 76p pack of freaking sausages ..

.. then I put my foot in it majorly later on which had me sleeping on the floor.

So i'm here to ask the male/female population of WrongPlanet ..

What are your secret hints at maintaining a positive relationship? Anything will be welcome as i'm dog-tired of managing to fracture everything after about five months.

(( This is also the first time i've ever spoken out about my diagnoses and all that, so please be gentle )).


- Slarrn.

Well, first off, welcome Slarrn. My very first post was in L&D just about a year ago. You'll get very thoughtful advice here, so pull up a chair.

I can't address your situation specifically, because I'm (more or less) NT, but I can give you perspective as one who loves someone on the spectrum. One of the biggest issues he and I have had when it comes to an AS/NT compatibility is space. As in, he needs his. More than I need mine. IDK if you have those issues, too, but is it possible you aren't getting enough of your down time to recharge and deal with said 'passionate' women? I find it surprisingly refreshing, too, after we take some small breaks, even if I don't think I will at first. It's challenging dealing with issues that go above and beyond typical relationship stresses, so a breather now and then is a good thing. We usually appreciate each other a whole lot more when we're back again, too.

Hi

I'm sure lots of us here can commiserate... But what exactly preludes these encounters? Saying that it's due to social cues and sausages isn't too informative.

What does she say? Is it over stuff you do or stuff she expects you to do (as in what you're not doing)? Does she even know about AS and what kind of things might be tripping you up?

Well, I'm a married guy in a relationship that pretty much maintains itself without that much effort on my part or hers (although it isn't without occasional need for a tune-up).

He's been my experience: I tend to take things very literally unless I'm TOLD otherwise, and even then I have this whole "thinking in pictures" thing going on. It's a very bizarre way to feel the world. So when my wife comes home ranting about some client she's had trouble with or what crap her boss wants her to scrape up, I instantly go into "fix-it" mode and proceed to tell her how to run her professional life.

I have my moments of absolute brilliance that way. Just last weekend, we were visiting my mom and my wife was pestering me about doing something unpleasant, and I (so I thought) decided to have a little fun with her. So she hits me with this line, "If you're not part of the solution, you're..." and looks at me expecting me to fill in the blank (the correct answer is "part of the problem," though I disagreed with her at the time). So I gave her my characteristic dumb-aspie look and said "an innocent bystander?"

My mom thought it was hilarious! My wife, however, was not quite so amused. I think I ended up doing whatever it was she wanted me to do, and she wasn't exactly in a rush to show her gratitude.

The problem is I'm always like that, just rarely that funny.

Here's how I've learned to adapt and avoid sleeping out in the car: First of all, and most pertinent, whatever detail it is that YOU (as the man ) are quibbling about is probably NOT as important as you think it is (like the sausages). Learn when to just let it go.

I once made the crack, referring to my wife, "How can so much noise come from such a tiny mouth?" Not smart. Girls like to talk. Let them. And PRAY they don't ask your opinion because you're likely to get stuck on one tiny detail and tune everything else out. If you actually CAN pay attention and repeat back everything she said to you EXACTLY, even better. You can even win some points if you can do that but paraphrase it and say it in your own words. That does two things: It shows you are in agreement (even if you aren't), and it shows that you have a quality that is EXTREMELY important to women: EMPATHY. The more a woman thinks you understand her, the more you'll... Well, we'll save that for the "adult issues" forum. Even if you get it wrong, she'll try to correct you to make her point more clear, to which you say, "Oh, I get it!"

Ask questions and act like you're interested in how her day went. Don't EVER settle for "I don't want to talk about it." That means she had a bad day. Give her a piece of chocolate or a glass of wine, or both, or maybe you can just put the chocolate and the wine in a blender with some ice and a shot of vodka. One of two things may happen: She'll loosen up, relax and tell you about it, or she'll get agitated and scream at you because what happened at work is all YOUR fault. You may be confused by this, but let it go. Keep her talking and the situation will eventually resolve itself.

My apologies for all the apparent sexist man-talk, but the main complaint I've had from women is I don't ever "look" interested or "act" like I care. Very often, all the time, in fact, I genuinely DO care and try to make the relationship work. But NTs seem to be more concerned with more superficial elements of communication. I have trouble with eye contact, but I force myself to do it. Certain touches are good, too, but that just takes a degree of tact and sensitivity (and practice). I don't know why, but my wife likes it when I sit on her feet.

And finally, out of all the advice I could give you, I leave you with this: Most relational problems can be solved with chocolate, white zinfandel, and tequila.

Okay, you mention the argument over the sausages, so let's look at that and see if we can't identify the root cause. Why did you fight over the sausages? Was it because they're the ones you always buy and she wanted another brand? If so, look at some of the other fights you've had recently. How many of them involve her suggesting a change in routine?

This is only an example, using something I have to look out for, so alter it as needed to fit your circumstances. I will knee-jerk reject changing things unless it's my own idea, so I have to be careful of being thoughtful about it when someone else suggests a change. I'll end up making a federal case out of something fairly insignificant and it will be entirely my fault.

Basically, look for the common themes in these encounters and see if the two of you can't come to some agreement about this sort of thing. In the example from above, maybe she could suggest a change at some time before it would have to occur, then give you plenty of time to mull it over before you have to answer. It would be up to you to step back and not answer immediately until you'd gotten over that first negative reaction, though. In the sausages case, she could make the suggestion to get a different variety before you get to the store, or you could get the ones you prefer this time, but suggest that you get the others the next time you come.

And if you haven't explained about the AS, please do so ASAP. While I have no doubt that you can blend in very well it will never completely go away. When issues arise, having the knowledge will give her a chance to step back and ask, "Ok, is this an AS thing? Let's talk about it." This is far preferable to having her ask, "Why are you being such a jerk?"

Thank you for all your responses!

Thank you especially pschristmas because that was pretty much the root of it all. "Change MY brand for those? They're more expensive!". Unfortunately rather than looking at it from a different perspective .. yep. Unfortunately the sausages was just an example, most of it leads off something very similar.

Thank you all again for your input I'm going to take it to heart after she forgives me for this transgression .

.. tequila won't go amiss either, hmm.

-Slarrn.