13 May 2010, 9:18 pm
AspieForty
Supporting Member
Joined: 4 Apr 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 568
Location: North Carolina, USA
13 May 2010, 9:32 pm
Tinman wrote:
I accept your vote for A-hole, and can't say that you are the first to feel that way. The main reason I posted here was to find out just how much of my assholiness could be attributed to the Asperger's.
Seemed like I had found a place where people weren't gonna be so sensitive...
Seemed like I had found a place where people weren't gonna be so sensitive...
Wrong place for "non-sensitive" people.
Aspergers people are very sensitive people, they simply have trouble expressing those very real feelings.
There's a lot of hardline myths floating around in society, on the web... and straight into the medical offices... that "Aspergers people lack human empathy". The inability to express the empathy that is locked up inside us, is not a lack of empathy.
That kind of misinformation is leading to misdiagnosis or failure to diagnose people with Aspergers Syndrome. Misinformation of that nature, leads to vicious stereotypes and prejudice.
Its not any fun when a potential date asks you, "Wikipedia says people with Aspergers have no human empathy." That's equating Aspies with Son of Sam, Ted Bundy and Adolf Hitler.
It sounded to me, in your first post like as if you're having an inner-struggle with things.. and feel its selfish, you have a baby now and fear your wife will leave... instead of being an ***hole you're really beating yourself up, enough self-criticism to wonder if you're just an ***hole, or if its a very real condition like Aspergers that could be causing your doubts/fears/relationship issues.
I might be wrong about your motives, but that's the way I read it.
13 May 2010, 10:50 pm
AspieForty
Supporting Member
Joined: 4 Apr 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 568
Location: North Carolina, USA
13 May 2010, 11:22 pm
Tinman wrote:
How long do you have to have a new baby before that seems like the new normal? If I can survive til then, maybe everything will be fine.
I think you're afraid... a baby has intruded on your space, and that's A LOT of change. But remember, you helped choose to make the baby, it was a mutual decision.
Quote:
was also out of reasons why it wasn't the time for a baby. I have felt like I am going crazy ever since she said she was pregnant. I had a feeling that she was going to want me to help out with some things that she has always done for us by herself
Yep, those good old days of freedom are gone now -- you've got a baby to raise ... you're 30+ ... embrace the growing pains.
BTW, I like your screen-name "Tinman" if you only had a heart, right?
Quote:
I think it's because I know she likes the baby more than me.
I have never said those things aloud and know that nobody should think that way but I can't help it, and I think she knows
I have never said those things aloud and know that nobody should think that way but I can't help it, and I think she knows
No... she doesn't "like the baby more than you". Its like comparing apple to oranges, its her flesh and blood and maternal instinct. That's threatening, I'm sure. You're probably very clearly picking up on how she feels about her baby... the way you described it, she wanted a baby for years, and you didn't... you're sensing the maternal instinct.
Tigress Machli fights male tiger to protect her cubs !
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TABMdrMi9Go[/youtube]
Quote:
Paternal bond & paternal instinct
http://www.proactivechange.com/inspirat ... stinct.htm
/EXCERPT...
...there has always been at least some nurturing from fathers. And, in our day and age, more and more men are nurturing their children. When we talk about paternal instinct, it is to call attention to this dimension in the male psyche and behavior.
The emerging post-patriarchal culture is one that values cooperation. It's about finding ways to get complementary skills to work together. It's about allowing multiple viewpoints to coexist, instead of having one truth, one leader-of-the-pack.
/...
We can speculate endlessly about how this instinct came about. Whatever the reason… does it make it any less true that fathers are devoted to their children? Does it making any less true that nurturing children is an important and fulfilling aspect of being a man?
Is paternal instinct any less authentic, deep and powerful than maternal instinct?
This is a rhetorical question that aims at resonating with our conscious or unconscious biases. It asks of us: deep down, when it comes down to it, who do you believe makes a better parent, a mother or a father?
/...
The question of whether paternal instinct is any less powerful that maternal instinct is one that only makes sense within a patriarchal, all-or-nothing worldview.
What does this mean for fathers, at an individual level?
It is a reminder that we are losing something very real and very powerful when we feel intimidated by maternal instinct - and the implication that Mom Knows Best.
While we have to learn from mothers about parenting, we also have a lot to learn from listening more to our own nurturing side. We have a lot to gain from letting ourselves trust more and more our own instinctive and intuitive reactions as parents.
There is a wide open frontier out there, as we keep exploring being fathers from inside out.
http://www.proactivechange.com/inspirat ... stinct.htm
The article (mid-way) makes its best point with this:
Sounds like you've been feeling shut out in the cold. It shouldn't be that way.
http://www.proactivechange.com/inspirat ... stinct.htm
/EXCERPT...
...there has always been at least some nurturing from fathers. And, in our day and age, more and more men are nurturing their children. When we talk about paternal instinct, it is to call attention to this dimension in the male psyche and behavior.
The emerging post-patriarchal culture is one that values cooperation. It's about finding ways to get complementary skills to work together. It's about allowing multiple viewpoints to coexist, instead of having one truth, one leader-of-the-pack.
/...
We can speculate endlessly about how this instinct came about. Whatever the reason… does it make it any less true that fathers are devoted to their children? Does it making any less true that nurturing children is an important and fulfilling aspect of being a man?
Is paternal instinct any less authentic, deep and powerful than maternal instinct?
This is a rhetorical question that aims at resonating with our conscious or unconscious biases. It asks of us: deep down, when it comes down to it, who do you believe makes a better parent, a mother or a father?
/...
The question of whether paternal instinct is any less powerful that maternal instinct is one that only makes sense within a patriarchal, all-or-nothing worldview.
What does this mean for fathers, at an individual level?
It is a reminder that we are losing something very real and very powerful when we feel intimidated by maternal instinct - and the implication that Mom Knows Best.
While we have to learn from mothers about parenting, we also have a lot to learn from listening more to our own nurturing side. We have a lot to gain from letting ourselves trust more and more our own instinctive and intuitive reactions as parents.
There is a wide open frontier out there, as we keep exploring being fathers from inside out.
http://www.proactivechange.com/inspirat ... stinct.htm
The article (mid-way) makes its best point with this:
Quote:
This is a rhetorical question that aims at resonating with our conscious or unconscious biases. It asks of us: deep down, when it comes down to it, who do you believe makes a better parent, a mother or a father?
This is actually a trick question. To answer it, we have to buy into its premise - that there is a better parent. Instead of recognizing that children need both parents.
But… isn't there something special about the mother?
Yes, and there is something special about the father, too.
This is actually a trick question. To answer it, we have to buy into its premise - that there is a better parent. Instead of recognizing that children need both parents.
But… isn't there something special about the mother?
Yes, and there is something special about the father, too.
Changing perceptions of what defines "masculine"... that's difficult, too.
14 May 2010, 12:26 am
AspieForty
Supporting Member
Joined: 4 Apr 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 568
Location: North Carolina, USA
14 May 2010, 12:35 am
Xenu wrote:
The "I think I caught it part"
You can't catch Aspergers Syndrome/Autism. He surely knows that, you know that. I'm positive, most people who are familiar with A.S. know this.
***
Then again, maybe you're both having playful stabs at each other... and being Aspergers, I wouldn't recognize the humor, and taking things too literal. ***I understood his statement, as being a bit facetious... there are some morons who call Aspergers Syndrome a "disease" as if it were "contagious" and could be caught.
Quote:
fa·ce·tious /fəˈsiʃəs/ Show Spelled[fuh-see-shuhs]
–adjective
1.not meant to be taken seriously or literally: a facetious remark.
2.amusing; humorous.
3.lacking serious intent; concerned with something nonessential, amusing, or frivolous: a facetious person.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/facetious
Being facetious is when you say something you think is funny, but NOBODY laughs. So then you have to say "Oh, uh...I was being facetious". And everyone's like "Ooooh Kayyy... (What a jack***.)"
"An awkward silence fell over the group after his facetious remark about..."
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... =facetious
–adjective
1.not meant to be taken seriously or literally: a facetious remark.
2.amusing; humorous.
3.lacking serious intent; concerned with something nonessential, amusing, or frivolous: a facetious person.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/facetious
Being facetious is when you say something you think is funny, but NOBODY laughs. So then you have to say "Oh, uh...I was being facetious". And everyone's like "Ooooh Kayyy... (What a jack***.)"
"An awkward silence fell over the group after his facetious remark about..."
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... =facetious
I know in my experience, lacking good judgment on (first and foremost, my environment / the atmosphere)... and secondly not always the best judge of what's appropriate humor.. I have terribly offended people, due to simple lack of ability to properly read them and what they'd find amusing... and, offending them, was not my intention at all. I thought it was funny, and they were *OFFENDED* horribly. I felt awful after the fact.
I looked up Aspergers + off color humor, but the web didn't provide much information.
Quote:
Wrong Planet - Aspergers and Autism Community. ... we're very sensitive to... off-color humor(ha, I crack me up), etc. ...
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf81940- ... 65ff58b3a1
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf81940- ... 65ff58b3a1
Most people who read the comment didn't seem to perceive the subject to be meant offensively or an attack on the Autism community.
14 May 2010, 1:10 am
AspieForty
Supporting Member
Joined: 4 Apr 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 568
Location: North Carolina, USA
14 May 2010, 1:18 am
Quote:
Xenu wrote:
AspieForty wrote:
Xenu wrote:
The "I think I caught it part"
You can't catch Aspergers Syndrome/Autism. He surely knows that, you know that. I'm positive, most people who are familiar with A.S. know this.
>I don't really give a sh** if you were kidding it is not funny and incredibly offensive to us aspies.
He had mentioned it was a joke and I was simply stating that as a joke it is not funny but also offensive.
Try to be forgiving, and understand Aspies have a tendency toward Humor Faux Pas. He's new to the Community, and yes, from what I read of his posts, I believe he could be on the spectrum. At the least, I believe he's a genuinely concerned father and husband. The whole tone of the post was beating himself up, to even refer to himself as an ***hole and I gather feels he's being "selfish" and "unworthy" etc etc etc criticising himself.
Try to give the guy a break.
Sometimes I use facetious humor too, and if I offend anyone, my apologies too! If he's anything like I am, I'm sure he'll be more careful in the future, especially after you brought your deep offense to his attention.
14 May 2010, 6:30 am
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