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Penandinkmarie
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15 May 2010, 3:06 pm

Ok, I do realize that I've been posting about my relationship wayyy too often, but there are just things I don't know what to think of! I mean....this is all very new to me, and maybe I'm just looking at them the wrong way.

My boyfriend and I only get to spend the weekends together. For today, we didn't really make plans, but I always expect him at like 3-4 pm....but today, I didn't even hear from him until an hour ago, when he told me he was on the way to the GYM with a "friend" (girl) who wanted to sign up there and since he is a member, he was going to get her a discount.

!??!?! Don't I have reason to be angry?! I mean....we only have 2 days together out of the week, and he'd rather spend time with this friend at the gym, than spend time with me?! I don't get it!! !

What should I tell him later tonight when he comes over?? Should I be accepting of the idea like I was on the phone? Or should I get mad and tell him what I'm thinking.



ToadOfSteel
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15 May 2010, 3:08 pm

Do you know if he's actually trying to have sex with her or no? This is a hard one to figure out, either way, without additional evidence. Don't accuse him outright (that just makes you sound insecure and overly jealous, especially if you're wrong), but do inquire as to his motives and state your concerns.

If you find any direct evidence that he's cheating on you, however, dump him immediately. Don't even waste your breath getting angry at him, just get him out of your life.



Penandinkmarie
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15 May 2010, 3:11 pm

I don't think it's about the sex, but he's going to the gym with HER instead of going to see me! I'm just so incredibly upset over this. I know we don't live close, nor do I have money to join the gym, or whatever, but STILL.....he could have told the girl, "no, I'm going to be with my girlfriend today..." but then again...he works till late during the weekdays...but UGH!! !! !



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15 May 2010, 3:24 pm

OP....it seems like there's an awful lot of drama in your relationship, at least in part because you don't deal directly with your bf about relationship issues.

The reality is that you didn't have plans with him. You made an assumption, and it turned out to be incorrect. So why are you angry at him? It seems like he's still planning to see you, so what's the big deal? If you want to see him more than two days a week, why not put your energy into solving your transportation problems, rather than into being upset with him for breaking a date with you that he never made?

As far as what you should talk about this evening, I kinda thought you were going to ensure that he understands that you absolutely will not entertain the idea of premarital sex in your relationship. That seems like enough to discuss for one evening.


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Chronos
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15 May 2010, 3:25 pm

I can't tell from the time stamp how much notice he gave you, but if you feel he should have called sooner, I don't think it's unreasonable to state in a somewhat annoyed manner "I wish you would have let me know a little sooner,"

And he will probably give you some excuse. And then you should just leave it at that and move on as you have already communicated your issue and he has made note of it, and further discussing the subject may cause deterioration of the situation.



Penandinkmarie
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15 May 2010, 3:31 pm

I guess I'm just MAD because he could have said no to the girl, but hey, he wants to go work out, and he hates working out alone....and I live too far and have no money to join a gym anyway. I guess if I had HAD something to do besides sitting at home bored to death (because none of my friends were answering my calls/texts to go out), I probably wouldn't have minded him going.....I guess maybe I'm just jealous?? I don't know...but still, it hurt to hear that he was going to the gym with a "friend" and not "oh I'm coming over to see you now"....you know? =\



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15 May 2010, 3:51 pm

OP, why are you sitting at home "bored to death?" Even if you don't have anywhere to go right now, you don't have to be bored to death, right?

Look, you've got to have enough going on in your life, e.g., interests, hobbies, projects, intellectual curiosity, etc., to entertain yourself for an afternoon. You can't make your bf responsible for entertaining you - it's not a reasonable expectation to have of any partner. And it's not reasonable to be angry with him because he doesn't realize you've placed this burden upon him.

I can guarantee you that if you respond angrily to him this evening that you will not achieve the result you'd like: him wanting to spend more time with you. Instead, he's going to realize that you're jealous, and that he can't believe what you say (cause you did give him the impression that you had no problem with his plans....gonna be kinda tough to take that back without damaging your own credibility). So, IMO it would be a better use of your time to try to identify some things that will hold your interest for an afternoon, and work out the anger you're feeling about this - on your own.


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Penandinkmarie
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15 May 2010, 4:21 pm

No no, I'm definitely not going to say anything to him about it tonight, but ugh....I still feel kind of irked about it.

And the reason I'm bored to death is that I can't drive, so I can't really go anywhere, all my friends were busy and couldn't go out, so I was just sitting in my room doing pretty much nothing, watching movies.....I don't really need him to entertain me, per se, just to see him....to be with him....you know? =\ I don't know...whatever, but thank you so much for your advice...



Lene
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15 May 2010, 4:28 pm

It's a little unfair if you guys had a routine and he didn't tell you he had made other plans. I would definitely be annoyed at that; how were you to know he was planning something different this time.

Chronos has a point; you should maybe ring to confirm the day before, so you are not hanging around waiting for him.



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15 May 2010, 5:09 pm

I've already stated my opinion on male female "friendships" when one is in a relationship. I can see why you're mad, although you probably shoulnd't assume anything about when you have to get together. Although he shouldn't have to entertain you, the whole girl thing would set off warning bells to me.

I would be rather hurt quite frankly too.



damwookie
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15 May 2010, 6:01 pm

You don't have a right to his time unless something has been arranged. You don't have a right to be angry if he varies his lifestyle. You don't have a right to base your emotional state on him. You do have a right to have some communication. IF he is a trustworthy bloke he should have contacted you as soon as and let you know. Meeting at weekends sounds like routine and to leave someone hanging is unfair. If I was in a relationship and I knew my girlfriend would get angry if I arranged to go to the gym socially I probably would struggle to phone them and I would likely end the relationship. The only issues I see are lack of communication and emotional maturity.

If you have trust issues with your boyfriend though or you don't feel that the commitment is their then that is a different matter.



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15 May 2010, 6:03 pm

If I did something like that and had a girlfriend that was put off a bit by it I wouldn't be surprised in the least. I would be too if she did the same, but in the end it's most likely not a big deal.

But if I had a girlfriend that made a huge deal out of that kinda thing without her showing any understanding of where my allegiances truly were it would be a major major problem for me.


I'm not going to just drop my friends that happen to be women just because I start dating someone who disapproves of those people. That makes zero sense to me.


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Pobodys_Nerfect
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15 May 2010, 6:17 pm

I think it's ok to feel bored when you've been let down. He could be just trying to make you jealous since he probably can't read you etc.



billsmithglendale
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18 May 2010, 10:48 am

Him spending time with another girl doesn't sound promising. If something is afoot, odds are that this problem is already well on its way and cooking.

If you want to take the right approach here, reject the urge to be clingy -- this will just push him further away from you, and into her direction.

Instead, play it cool, and give him the rest of the weekend off. Go do something else, and don't go calling him this week -- let him call you. It's the one way to provide that vacuum to suck him back in, if he wants it. If he doesn't call this week, well, I wouldn't give him your next weekend either, and start making other plans, since he clearly at that point isn't valuing your relationship or is burned out on you.

There are plenty of fish out there, find a new one.