Why so easy?

Post Reply New Topic

I just caught up with a friend and constantly read her FB status it's going to the beach with some friends (did this last week/week before) today it was lunch/zoo with 3 friends. I don't understand how it comes easy for her (having/making friends) and yet I've failed at it!! !! I've talked to my cousin and love the idea of just "letting it happen" stop trying so hard to make friends but other than that any ideas? I find it sad that she finds it so easy/effortless and yet I've either had 0 friends/not many (go hang out places friends) I feel AWFUL/STUPID it comes so easy for her! (Yes she's NT etc.) but still!! !! !! !! !!

Ya same thing with me. I have no hangout friends.

Still searching for the answer myself.

That lifestyle is a complete mystery to me. I'm so bad at it I gave up ages ago. You guys are my hangout friends.

I'm with happymusic on this - I've never found the key either, except online. And I'm 63 and made it through a whole career (or at least a job life) so I function well enough to get by, but casual social interactions always somehow leave me outside the circle that forms.

We do have a casual "pickup dinner" in my condo neighborhood where you can just come by with your own food and it's people I get along well with, so that's about the closest I've come to hangout pals. The real thing for me is when I find a community with a similar interest and we can relate around that - I guess it's because then, the subject (the common interest) is in the foreground, and not the personalities of the people participating.

I've been an observer of this phenomenon all my life because some of the people in my birth family were just born with charm or charisma, and I was always keenly aware of it and could see it happening when they were with other people. I have read recently (in a book called Evil Genes - fascinating stuff - by Oakley) that there's actually genetic code being found that correlates with that particular talent. People without it just have to learn some "skills" to mimic it and I guess if they're NTs that's relatively easy, but since I hated social gatherings anyway, it's always been a struggle for me to be with people except for a few close friends (and those are not necessarily "hangout pals" types of friends).

Still, you never know! The right combination of people might come together someday including you in it!

Well, I know someone who could be AS and she alienates everyone by complaining all the time, talking only about herself and won't let anybody finish their sentences. She wears them out. I think it can be a case of seeming to come on too intensely and not giving people space. But that's just one scenario.

WOW! I think I did this to my Psychology teacher (not giving her space talk talk talk etc.) but I had no one ELSE to talk to about Psychology. (Still don't) but you made a good point perhaps I wear them out and I do believe I come on too strong (with interest AND trying to make friends) When I get back in College I'm hoping to change that.

It's hard not to act how you feel and I understand how it is to be absorbed with someone. The only difference with me is I'm shy and fearful of rejection and so I don't approach unless asked. I need to be more assertive. Another problem I've got with hanging out is boredom. I am not interested in gossip. I actually enjoy hanging out with family members more than other people. You might try some calming exercises. I changed a lot of the way I think and look at things and I am more at peace because of it, but it doesn't happen overnight. It's so easy to fall back into old habits. You have to have one part of your mind separate to monitor your thoughts and challenge them. For instance, if I have an immediately negative reaction to someone, I try to challenge myself on why. It could be it's really just envy. Someone new started at one of the offices I clean and since she was pretty and thin and socially competent, I figured she had to be shallow. Actually, I was wrong. She's very bright and down to Earth.

The best way to make hangout friends with NTs is to act sociable and try and cater towards their needs to make them like you. Eventually most people will realise there's no point.