How did you make friends?

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I have a question for those who feel they have made a couple of good friends. How did you make these friends. Did you do it in a more traditional way through school/work or did you get involved in clubs and whatnot. I just was to get a feel for how people with asperger's may make friends. I want to use this summer off of school as a way to gain valuable social skills and make a friend or two along the way. Thanks.

Sheerly through happening to meet the incredibly rare people who Share in interests, experiences, peculiary sense of humour, and ease of socializing with. For me it has mostly been a long and fruitless search in which quality is valued over quantity. Having more friend would be great but I almost feel like it wouldn't be genuine unless it were so hard to come by.

Never found it easy to make friends at school or in the workplace - too much of a artificial environment, so mostly I've made friends through other outlets.

At primary school - Young Stagers, Boy Scouts and being on the swimming team.

Secondary school - Young Stagers, Youth Centre, skating at the roller disco (again, not terribly well), underage drinking (although that's easier to do on this side of the pond than in the States, so I've been told) and travelling up to London to see the occasional live band.

College - playing in a band, going to gigs or clubs, living with friends and ... erm ... a minor illegal operation which involved lots of people visiting our house on a regular basis (until my Final Year, anyway)..

SInce then - Worked in a rehearsal studio and managed to get into a couple more bands that way. One of my ex-bandmates is still a long-term friend after 12 years. although I don't see as much of him as I'd like due to him living 1,500 miles away on the Mediterranean (always handy having friends abroad if you want to go on a cheap holiday, though!)

Been to a couple of Asperger's pub groups and made a few friends that way too, and I'm on www.meetup.com, which means that I can always go out and do something on pretty much any night of the week. You have to be quite confident at talking to people you've never met before for that to be a pleasure though - I have built up this confidence over time, but it hasn't always been easy due to AS.

For me, it all started with one friend I had in high school. We formed a band and he introduced me to other people from the music scene. I've met quite a few people but they're not really friends, just acquaintances. I only have 2 good friends (one of them moved out of town recently). I used to have another one but he died a few years ago. So, yeah, I managed to meet a few people through mutual interests and if it wasn't for that one friend in high school (whom I've lost contact since) I probably wouldn't have made any friends.

People talk to me and decide that they like me. If I like them enough, I try to return their calls every so often.
If friendship depended on me initiating anything, I'd be friendless. I'm one of the passive social subtypes.

I don't know exactly how it happened. I guess we just... became friends somehow

When your younger everyone is driven through hormones, physical and mental growth to seek out an adult identity for themselves and because everyone is seeking acceptance and belonging friendships tend to be created in an ad-hoc way in education environments. But they are artificial constructions and they don't always work. I was astracised and an outcast in primary school. I only really began to form friendships with peers the same age as me in my secondary school education. Which was helped by it being a fresh start for me (no one else from my old school went where I did) and I had recently recieved my AS diagnosis and was being supported by a speach and language therapist (Translation for americain/canadians Primary = age 4-11 Secondary = high school except we finish at 16)

As you get older and more established as an adult character (I can only speak for myself here) the drive to go out and meet new people becomes less and less. And as others have said you value quality friendship over having a group of friends/aquaintances that you mold into. I find such groups seem to act like a socialising safety net for people or a convoy in a sea of strangers....sounds a bit too melodramatic i dunno WTF im saying so back on topic.

When I was younger I would find myself going up to people i didnt know introducing myself and having this bizzare confidence to do that. Particulary when I went backpacking and travelled around Europe, canada and the states I would just talk to complete strangers and build friendships that way, some of which I still retain. I don't know what drove me to do that. I don't know what I lack now when I am trying to motivate myself to go out and meet new people.

I guess I have become comfortable in my own space and other people are a secondary concern for now.

I also made lots of friends fairly easy while backpacking in Europe. Much more easily than I ever had at home. I think this is for 2 reasons:

1. There is just a lot to talk about. Everyday you meet hundreds of people from strange, exotic places with different beliefs and interesting back stories. These people have somethings in common (wunderlust) or possibly a wide deficit of things uncommon (different beliefs and cultural practices). So it's incredibly easy, desireable and more than welcomed to strike up conversation with a stranger.

2. I feel more inclined to, and that it is easier to, make friends when I am alone. At home I'm so comfortable with my two-three good friends that I don't really need to meet anyone else. Away from home it's like a mechanism kicks in that forces me to make friends quickly. From an evolutionary perspective it makes sense to have at least one or two supportive beings at all times; cooperation will help to ensure the survival of the individual. And most other travellers feel the need to meet people even if for short term exploitative purposes. Moreover, travelling is a bit of an aspie characteristic. Since we're such outsiders. Chances are we'll meet disproportionately more aspies on the road than we would at home.

If you want to make friends, the best advice is to simply shake up routines once in a while and see where it takes you and travelling is a great way for sure; if you have the means.

By shaking up my routine, making small talk and being myself, all at the same time.

Learning to listen. I may not understand everything, but the process is helpful.

Brute force. I have my interests, and am not easily dissuaded from them. Most of my friends and relationships have come from this - music, art, education, antiques, design strategies, psychology - and not from directed effort.

Self-acceptance. I know that I'm odd, and more than that... I'm ok with it; I revel in it at times. Since I accept me, it seems that makes it easier for others to accept me. While I have adapted and learned how to function in certain situations, I also have to remember that life isn't baroque, but free form jazz. Sometimes, I'm going to do the wrong thing... two words for people: co - pe. Put it together, and cope. No one is perfect.

Laugh. When you are happy, laugh. I tried to learn to smile, and creeped people out. Laughing automatically moves the 'right' muscles for a more natural smile.

Take reasonable risks. The safe route may leave no injury, but it leaves no avenue for exploration or excitement either. Find your opportunities.


M.

Meet people, sometimes in unusual ways. OK, so I go to Ham Radio club where it's all guys and I hang out at the gym three days a week, but there are other ways as well. This Tuesday for example is 'Towel Day' where geeks all over the world will gather to celebrate the life and work of Douglas Adams. I aim to attend at least two of the events although I may miss out on the picnic if it's raining. Who knows who I'll meet there, it could be fun.

You just need to meet lots of people. Friendship is like mud, sometimes it sticks.

Vanilla_Slice