Losing my mind, only to find a new one.

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Michhsta
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23 May 2010, 5:49 pm

I was dx with AS 4 months ago and as much as it did not surprise me, I have revolted in some way or another ever since. The evidence is overwhelming and the behaviour is relative but I still find myself peering sideways into the mirror when I pass it and wondering "Who is this person?"

I have been given varying stories of acceptance. Some have embraced it wholly and found some way of compartmentalising it and living well with it, and others have been, as I am, taking years to accept/embrace/appreciate their Aspergian selves. The behaviour and lifestyle of someone without the knowledge of AS, a "neuro-typical" persona adopted in order to survive in this strange and complex world, became part of my cognitive DNA of sorts. I am struggling to let it go to some degree. I keep finding myself reverting back to that ineffectual and damaging way of life like a habit. I am driven beyond my understanding to be me, because the old way wasn't working. Suffice to say, pretending to be someone else nearly killed me, yet giving up the comforts and familiar pretense of 36 years is quite terrifying. I am torn between two worlds as one tries to assimilate with the other. I do believe that one can be both Aspergian by nature and NT by understanding, depending of course on a number of complex factors.

I do not really care about the mind, only that it is happy and restful, no matter what dx I am given. That logic rules quietly and with knowledge that illogical things exist, but do not threaten. That it will exist in relative familiarity with all its parts and facets. That it will be kind to me when I cannot provide a good platform for it to perform on.

As much as I hate the word "regression" that is the only way I can seem to describe my current and enduring state. That "process" has left the room. With the hyperfocus of AS, and the brain chatter of ADHD and the brain fog of Fibromyalgia/ CFS has me roaming my house like some carbon based life form from the primordial ooze, foaming at the mouth and biting the legs off chairs. Lamenting my declining IQ and rocking absently in front of the fridge, staring into space and singing over and over "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care". Or staring with sightless eyes at some inner process that is on a continuos loop of data processing. At this time my poor cognitive process is sitting lonely in the corner begging uselessly for all the parts to come together in some semblance of cohesion.

I stare uncomprehendingly at words that made sense before but do not even know how to spell now. Or mathematical formula that makes no sense when in the past it was a pretty picture or remembering the basic ingredients to my favourite pasta dish that I have made hundreds of times before. Post it notes and lists endure with iron force as I continue to forget the simplest things. That I even forget to check the lists and calendars, that are there to remind me.......to remember. Yet, when my fiance and I reminisce about when we first met, I can remember the way he looked and smelt and the laughter we shared and the earrings I wore, yet cannot for the life of me remember what we spoke about.

I understand the nature of burn out now and why it happened. I understand that my spirit, whose voice before was barely a whisper, has now risen to the ranks of colonel(without my knowledge) and ordered my body to simply stop dead in its tracks so I would SEE for the first time. I did not know what it was back then in 2007, I just knew that I had to die in a way, so I could be reborn. Strangely, I was not far from the truth for 2 years later I was given the answer as to why this strange turn of events happened. I am glad it happened now in a way. I guess I got the chutzpah to deal with it, despite the destruction it causes. But despite my courage and my will, it still terrifies me and tectonic plates shift unnervingly beneath my feet. That the darkest depression flits uncertainly in the periphery, and if I take my eyes off it for a second, it will devour me with glee.

There is grief of a life lived in darkness and flashes of rage at my vulnerability with the pain of physical illness and intellectual impotence, but I also see flashes of brilliance and the brightest of truth. I may not like its intensity but I know it is there for me to be REAL, for the first time in my life. I feel like a fraud and a stupid person with the qualities of a rabid badger, but that is better than believing I am something that I am not.

A quote from a movie comes to mind and it sticks with me. It is my new mantra:

"Rise and Rise again......
......until Lambs become Lions".

Mics.


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katzefrau
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23 May 2010, 6:05 pm

cheers, Mics.

i am told it gets easier, but all i can think of is what difference it would've made to have grown up knowing.

thirty-someodd years is a very long time to try to assimilate, confusing pretense with what might be for others just an age-appropriate maturity, only to then have to erase everything and start over.

as much sense as it makes, it is still a very difficult transition.

it helps me to read things like what you have just posted.


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Sparrowrose
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23 May 2010, 8:19 pm

It has taken me years to come to terms with my asperger's diagnosis and it is a process that is still underway. (I was diagnosed nine years ago.)

What you describe going through is completely "normal." This is a great article to read for more insight:

"Help! I Seem to be Getting More Autistic!"
by Amanda Baggs
http://www.autistics.org/library/more-autistic.html

Every couple of years or so, I re-read the article and gain even more insight. It unfolds for me. I think it's well-written and very to-the-point and honestly describes aspects of our realities that don't often get discussed outside autistic community. (Autistic community = autistic people. Autism community = everyone involved with autism, such as parents, doctors, teachers etc.)


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