I have rejected more girls than have rejected me...

Page 1 of 1 [ 13 posts ] 

lightening020
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 639

26 May 2010, 2:24 am

.....When I think about how many girls have put themselves out there for me within my reach, Im realizing that it was me who got scared and stopped talking to them.

Now granted I have never really had that many friends or any girls that were friends or even really talked to girls that much before. So I really have never reached a certain point with a girl to making a connection. Does anybody really know who I am? My friends the who few I do have I keep things very superficial. My family doesn't even know me.

So yeah most of those times werent me making connections with these girls and then rejecting them. IT WAS us initially being attracted to each other physically, talking a little bit and then me getting really scared and feeling weird once she sent out those signals( I definitely can read those and it scares the s**t out of me). Maybe its the warning in me that this is a really CLINGY girl and to stay away. I dont know possibly. Maybe that is the only kind of girl that has put themselves out there in my sphere despite my withdrawn-ness. Doesnt make sense because I am a really clingy person too.

All I know is once the girls shows interest and is at my doorstep, I get scared and the talking stops and everything becomes uber-weird. There is a certain point that I cant go past.

I finally made a connection with a girl a work earlier this year and actually talked to her traded friendly jabs. She was 4 1/2 years younger than me just turning legal. Regardless I played my cards wrong like I had any idea what I was doing anyways.

And then I went on my first real date a few months ago. It was this girl who met me when I had kinda the right mindset for meeting girls. I asked her out got her number blah blah set it up. Made a real connection and she genuinely seemed like she did too. I know she did. And the next day it got to me. I just couldn't get her out of my mind. I couldn't believe I just went on a real date, and that there was a girl that actually dug me. I still am not really sure what happened but I f****d it up. Timing was just wayyyy too off. I called the next day probably that was it. Or something else. Or she knew someone that knew of me and there was a bad rumor revolving around me. I dont know. I feel like I have had such a weird presence these last few years that its not impossible.

mabey this is all low-self confidence and that once a girl is attainable, I dont feel like I have anything to offer, so I back off?

no matter what, I just feel sad and pathetic. If I had to think up all the girls who were into me for some unknown reason, it has to be at least near 20. Possibly even more. Thats only the ones I was aware of or at least thought I was aware of. If I had any ounce of confidence or clue what I was up against I could have easily had multiple girlfriends by now. Heck if I had any shred of it, id have had at least 2 or 3 experiences. If I just would have talked to them I could have gotten somewhere or at least friendship if it didnt work out that way. f**k

But then again im so disconnected from my feelings, how can I really say how emotionally developed I was in high school, or even a few years ago



roadGames
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 401

26 May 2010, 2:52 am

Just hang in there next time a girl gives you some attention. Don't worry about what you're saying, she already likes you. Barring creepy pickup lines and routines, what you say does not matter. Carry on a normal, relaxed conversation with her. Realize that the channel of communication that seduction goes on in is mostly non-verbal. Even though us aspies are notoriously bad at reading non-verbals, it's much easier to learn how to spot the dozen or so non-verbal come on signals than it is to become an entertaining, emotive conversationalist. Becoming an amazing conversationalist is not really necessary to get girls.



lightening020
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 639

26 May 2010, 3:19 am

I get that, im saying im pretty sure I knew when this was happening and Im trying to say that for whatever reason once she was in my grasps, I GOT scared. Maybe that I didnt have anything to offer.

im trying to convey how debilitating it is looking back on all of the "could haves". how frustrating it is considering im not some semi-normal guy who has half a social network or can just meet new people.

In my opinion looking back, these were all situations that "came" my way without me really trying. Had I put in some effort once the opportunity was there and not been completely been scared and backed off, I would have some experience by now and my life might possibly be completely different. Its not eveything I know, but I just wish I knew, I wish I had something.

I know now that none of these chances had any actually worked would have lasted. Would have broken up. I just wish so much because all that mystery would be gone. Once the barrier is gone, then it is gone. But I still have that barrier and I really wish it never had to be that way. It almost feels like my life goal to get a girlfriend.

Now im older, im not in school, work a job. I have to worry about the real world, worry about a career. Im not the person who can just go to a club and NOT stand around. I hate clubs and bars so I dont go. NOW I have to do this and do that. If I see a girl Im attracted to, that isnt with her boyfriend, isnt in a group, looks non-threatening, isnt already pre-occupied. i have to fight 22 years old low confidence, anxiety, not knowing who I am, and being depressed as s**t , AND then being a PHONY and pretending like I dont have any of that like I am a relaxed confident guy.



Dilbert
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,728
Location: 47°36'N 122°20'W

26 May 2010, 3:32 am

Quote:
Just hang in there next time a girl gives you some attention. Don't worry about what you're saying, she already likes you.


That's not so, in my experience. Men fall in love through their eyes. Women fall in love through their ears.

I'm good looking. Many a woman was attracted to me at first sight. As soon as I start speaking they very quickly realize I'm different and change their attitude towards me. I rationalize and debate and ponder and they want to feel. I get that. But I can't change who I am in that regard, and I wouldn't want to even if I could.



musicboxforever
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 518

26 May 2010, 4:40 am

lightening020 wrote:
im trying to convey how debilitating it is looking back on all of the "could haves". how frustrating it is considering im not some semi-normal guy who has half a social network or can just meet new people.

In my opinion looking back, these were all situations that "came" my way without me really trying. Had I put in some effort once the opportunity was there and not been completely been scared and backed off, I would have some experience by now and my life might possibly be completely different. Its not eveything I know, but I just wish I knew, I wish I had something.

I know now that none of these chances had any actually worked would have lasted. Would have broken up. I just wish so much because all that mystery would be gone. Once the barrier is gone, then it is gone. But I still have that barrier and I really wish it never had to be that way. It almost feels like my life goal to get a girlfriend.


I can relate to that. I'm 28 and I've only just started to work that out recently. Bear in mind that you are still young and you've got years ahead of you for learning. You have reached a certain level of understanding and now you understand yourself a bit better and have realised to a certain extent what you are doing, you can move forward.

I was mad about this guy I used to work with and he actually asked me out. I was 22 and very shy. He thought that it would scare me less if he invited me to a group meal, but it was with a load of people I didn't really know very well and I was too scared by that and felt like I wouldn't know how to act or behave. So I said, "I'll think about it." He didn't push it further because I think he could see I was uncomfortable. It's a shame. I really did like him. He tried again a few weeks later and was dropping hints that he had backstage tickets to a gig. Now that was way too much for my social anxiety and I did not want to go to that. He asked me if I liked the band and I said no (even though I do like them and he knows I do). He looked awfully upset, but didn't push it further. He's with someone else now. I regret not saying yes. Nevermind life goes on.



b9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,003
Location: australia

26 May 2010, 5:06 am

Quote:
I have rejected more girls than have rejected me...

then you win in the rejection game i guess



Jaejoongfangirl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 557

26 May 2010, 7:03 am

lightening020 wrote:
So yeah, most of those times werent me making connections with these girls and then rejecting them. IT WAS us initially being attracted to each other physically, talking a little bit and then me getting really scared and feeling weird once she sent out those signals( I definitely can read those and it scares the sh** out of me). Maybe its the warning in me that this is a really CLINGY girl and to stay away. I dont know possibly. Maybe that is the only kind of girl that has put themselves out there in my sphere despite my withdrawn-ness. Doesnt make sense because I am a really clingy person too.

All I know is once the girls shows interest and is at my doorstep, I get scared and the talking stops and everything becomes uber-weird. There is a certain point that I cant go past.
I know exactly what you mean. This is my experience as well.
In fact, these two paragraphs could easily have been written by me; I've tried to put this problem into words before, but you just managed to phrase it much more clearly than I have in past posts. :lol: Thanks!

Anyway,
I've explicitly "turned down" only a few men - but I've let that initial mutual attraction (the kind that could have led up to something more) die on my end - for no good reason - on many, many occasions. Like you said, after reading the signs, I get scared and then "the talking stops and everything becomes uber-weird." The poor guy is probably left wondering, "what did I do wrong?" I feel so guilty! But for some reason I just won't let myself allow a connection/attraction to turn into a relationship.

I can read 'the signs' well and I'm okay with the guy's interest in me at first and I may flirt back a little bit if I feel the desire to, but then, when it comes to that "certain point" in the (potential) relationship, I just... clam up. I know how I should respond to him in order to encourage him further. I can flirt. I do flirt with him, initially. But I just don't let things get much past the initial attraction phase for some reason.

Am I understanding you correctly? Is this what you're talking about too, lightening020?


I used to think that the reason I got scared at that 'certain point' is because I'm inexperienced and wouldn't know what to do when taking a foray out of the familiar realm of friendship into romance - something that I've never had practice at.
I know how long it took me, as a kid, to get the basics of social interaction/friendship down. How many more years of practice would it take to get good at this new kind of interaction? It's so... daunting.

However, now I just don't know. I think that maybe I just don't want a relationship right now.
'm at the age where I should want a relationship... But it just seems like I am so reluctant to make significant progress with a guy that I don't see why I would want to let anything get more personal. I don't know if that sentence made any/much sense....

... But I just want to be held sometimes, you know? Though I guess that's one nice thing about being a girl; you can get hugs from random friends/acquaintances pretty much anytime, no questions asked. :lol:
It's not quite the same, of course, but why make life so much more complicated with a relationship right now? :cry: I don't even know...



poppyx
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 260
Location: Austin, Texas--Where else?

26 May 2010, 8:18 am

This is very much a "fake it until you make it".

Either you accept that romantic relationships overload you, and stick with it anyway.

Or don't date.

Also, the biggest problem you will have as someone with AS is finding someone, either AS or NT, that will accept you, and whom you can also accept.

If they initially accept you, hang in there.



jagatai
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,475
Location: Los Angeles

26 May 2010, 9:57 am

At 45 I still have no clue what is expected of me after the initial flirting. I think, for me, the point where I just back off is the point where I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do next.

I went on an arranged date a few years back and while it went well enough; I liked her, she seem okay with me, I just didn't know what I was supposed to say or do with her.

I guess one of the things that really makes me anxious is that I feel at any moment, I will make some misguided choice. I will say or do something that is so inappropriate that whatever positive attitude a woman has for me will quickly turn to disgust and rejection. I guess that's how I feel with most people (hence I tend to be excessively polite in most situations)

It's as if I have a small, torn off peice of a map that shows me where I'm supposed to go in a relationship, but it's just I tiny corner and the rest that would help me to understand the greater complexities of emotional intimacy are missing and I have no clue where to go after the first few steps.

Lars


_________________
Never let the weeds get higher than the garden,
Always keep a sapphire in your mind.
(Tom Waits "Get Behind the Mule")


roadGames
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 401

26 May 2010, 1:15 pm

Dilbert wrote:
Quote:
Just hang in there next time a girl gives you some attention. Don't worry about what you're saying, she already likes you.


That's not so, in my experience. Men fall in love through their eyes. Women fall in love through their ears.

I'm good looking. Many a woman was attracted to me at first sight. As soon as I start speaking they very quickly realize I'm different and change their attitude towards me. I rationalize and debate and ponder and they want to feel. I get that. But I can't change who I am in that regard, and I wouldn't want to even if I could.


I'm also a good looking guy and I used to think this, too, but then I acquired some social skills and learned how to read non-verbals during an approach. I also learned how to small talk (albeit about very boring things). In order to maintain their interest during an initial encounter, women just want to see that you have some bare minimum level of social skills. If you can display this, it may end up in your bedroom shortly.

Women will have sex with you if you have that bare minimum level of social skills, sexual confidence, and good looks. They'll fall in love with you if you perform well in bed and have great social skills.

You're good looking, you're more than half way there. Imagine how difficult it is for an ugly fat man with no personality to get laid.



makuranososhi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2008
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,805
Location: Banned by Alex

26 May 2010, 7:22 pm

roadGames wrote:
Dilbert wrote:
Quote:
Just hang in there next time a girl gives you some attention. Don't worry about what you're saying, she already likes you.


That's not so, in my experience. Men fall in love through their eyes. Women fall in love through their ears.

I'm good looking. Many a woman was attracted to me at first sight. As soon as I start speaking they very quickly realize I'm different and change their attitude towards me. I rationalize and debate and ponder and they want to feel. I get that. But I can't change who I am in that regard, and I wouldn't want to even if I could.


I'm also a good looking guy and I used to think this, too, but then I acquired some social skills and learned how to read non-verbals during an approach. I also learned how to small talk (albeit about very boring things). In order to maintain their interest during an initial encounter, women just want to see that you have some bare minimum level of social skills. If you can display this, it may end up in your bedroom shortly.

Women will have sex with you if you have that bare minimum level of social skills, sexual confidence, and good looks. They'll fall in love with you if you perform well in bed and have great social skills.

You're good looking, you're more than half way there. Imagine how difficult it is for an ugly fat man with no personality to get laid.


Passage above in bold is so flawed, I'm not sure how to respond. First, the criteria you specified are not universal; second, your definition of "love" as used above does not appear with any standard or accepted definition of the word as I understand it. Some people base their decisions off looks, others on personality, still others on financial means. Some women (and men) have no criteria for sexual partners, while some have extensive lists of requirements. And in response to your last comment - I've seen those same individuals experience greater success than their more classically handsome counterparts... this futile attempt to find absolute rules to subjective and personal decisions will only create false expectations, from what I can extrapolate, and that doesn't help anyone in a relationship.


M.


_________________
My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.

For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!


techstepgenr8tion
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,149
Location: 28th Path of Tzaddi

26 May 2010, 9:15 pm

If I were to count all the girls who have shown me interest through the years that I held back on I'd say the same. I think what it is - even though a lot of them IMO were very attractive, I didn't feel like minds were meeting or that they were necessarily seeing 'me', even if they were I'd get the sense that they're emotional center was in a place where it wouldn't healthy for me to meet them. A few girls here and there I have been wildly attracted to, had the same from them, felt like it would have worked, and then something strange happened - we mutually struck out with each other just on chances of communication. There were also some quieter girls who I took an interest in, put the energy into slowly getting them to open up, but then what I felt under the surface just scared me - kind of like we liked each other's social facades or who we both attempted to be but once we got passed that it would have all been out the window.

That said though I'm 30 and have been in one month long relationship in my life (back when I was 20), I started going on a lot more dates from the time I was maybe 29 forward but the trouble there was - even with them, I felt like I was single but just occupied - ie. I liked them and all, they were great people, but it just didn't click enough to work. What I have to attribute that lack of relationship success to is being different - not even in the AS way, just different in general.

I think this really comes to personality and where you're centered. Some people have better luck with this than others, I've also known some extremely attractive women who were SOL for similar reasons - they were just too different from their environment. I also knew a girl back in college who seemed like an alpha, social butterfly, tough girl mentally, seemed like a natural leader, but she had overcome some steep social anxiety and while she seemed like she had it locked in her social sphere, turning it into articulating interest in guys seemed like the point where her strengths simply couldn't be carried over (a problem I can identify with a lot).

I'd just say its not unusual for anyone - guys or girls - to be in the situation of being liked much more than they like back, and very often they've liked far more people themselves than have liked them back (or, when the other person showed them interest - it didn't fit in an emotional framework that they could deal with). Its hard out there and I know its frustrating to feel like you're going thirsty on a raft in the ocean.

Just remember though - you're far from alone in that regard, more than enough NT's and aspies share that plight.



donnie_darko
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,981

27 May 2010, 4:23 pm

damnnn.