So freaking p****d off with myself

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right-hand-child
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28 May 2010, 3:42 pm

theres this girl i know at school that i like, we dont really talk much (we know each other's name and she and i have talked a little bit on a few occasions, but no real in depth conversations) but i was thinking of trying to ask her out somewhere.
so basicaly ive been trying ALL week to get a conversation started, but EVERY time something screws it up. i think of something to say to her and then she gets involved in a conversation with her freind or something of the like, because i was too hesitant.

but what really got me was today when i was walking home and i saw her. in fact i had a good idea of what to say (i was gonna build up to asking her out to the annual london anime/gaming expo this weekend, and she was already planning to go there as well i think) but then the one time i built up the freaking confidence to do this, cleche thoughts popped into my head again "yeah im sure she'd want some spastic to make an awkward advance to her in public, ruining her day" and "what the hell? she's wayyyyy too good for you, degenerate retard, back off"

so here i sit beating myself up over it how i COULD have had an awesome time at the expo with her, instead of going to it with my bro and his freinds (like i have done for the last two god damn years)
real problem is its now half term, and shes going to a different college in about a month. i think ive already got her to think im a creep enough for one lifetime, so im gonna wait until i get into six-form to start caring about relationships. do any of you think i should still try with her?

...just freaking attention seeking again ¬_¬

--EDIT--

ok i went to that expo thing today with my bro and it wasnt that bad i geuss, even if she wasnt there. to be honest, although i was seeking advice, i just needed to vent at the same time.

i spose that means the problem is *kinda* solved so i can just go ahead and delete this but i just wanna hear you guys thoughts.



Last edited by right-hand-child on 29 May 2010, 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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28 May 2010, 4:30 pm

I recommend the Great Zen Turnaround! Ask yourself, How would someone with excellent social skills ask her out? Well, can I go ahead and do that anyway? And you know what, in most cases, you probably can!

And all certainly is not lost. You might see her at the Expo this weekend. And if not, you still have a month to go.

'Hi'

'How you're doing?'

'What do you think so far?'

'Hey, any chance you're going to the panel on ____________'


I've observed that people with good skills just tend to go ahead and ask, without a lot of buildup. They still ask in a real way and a respectful way because they are interested in getting to know the person, but they are comfortable within themselves and within the real, textured, nonperfect circumstances that are unfolding. (I tell myself it's a series of good enough steps, good-enough decisions, good-enough communication exchanges, rather than a few big clunky 'perfect' productions. I'm still working on understanding this part.)

And I struggle with negative self-talk. I like a lot of people do, Aspie, 'Normal,' Different in Different Ways, All of Us. The standard advice is to just talk back to yourself in a matter-of-fact way. 'To the contrary, I am a creative person who has a lot to offer.' And I'll try and think of more.



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28 May 2010, 4:50 pm

I tell myself, engagement, not conformity. So, on the question of self-talk . . .

'Sure, maybe she's going through a popularity phase and that can be heady stuff. Or, or . . . maybe she's going through a phase of keeping it real and she'd very much like to get to know a guy who pursues projects and activities of his own choosing! You just never know.'



JerryHatake
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28 May 2010, 6:36 pm

From what I am reading about your situation, it is a self-confidence/ nervous issue, right. For one thing you should not blame or worry yourself about screwing things up. You keep blaming yourself for various action, how can you be confident about yourself when you around this girl or any other girl for the matter. You need to realize we all screw up accidentally at times but people are understanding about how we are nervous at doing something that we are not used too. To be honest with you, I sometimes I think screw up when I am around two of my close friends who are girls. They understand how I think at times and quite often give me advice on things. Now I feel quite comfortable around since we are like brothers and sisters. The point of the matter is you should keep your chin held high and not beat yourself. This girl who will be with you at the expo is there with you for a good and enjoyable time. So enjoy it yourself and not stressed out about what if I screw up or not.


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29 May 2010, 12:14 am

I'm sorry :(

I screw everything up too.

Why would she be too good for you?



sunshower
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29 May 2010, 1:56 am

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:

I've observed that people with good skills just tend to go ahead and ask, without a lot of buildup.


^ That. Look, it doesn't even have to be like you're asking her on a date. Don't build it up in your head!! Just approach her like you would a friend and say something along the lines of;

"Hey, I heard you might be going to the Anime conference on the weekend. I'm going to that too, want to meet up there?"

Or; "Hey, I'm going to the Anime conference and I was wondering if you'd like to come, I thought you might enjoy it/be interested in it."


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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29 May 2010, 1:32 pm

sunshower wrote:
. . . Just approach her like you would a friend and say something along the lines of;

"Hey, I heard you might be going to the Anime conference on the weekend. I'm going to that too, want to meet up there?"

Or; "Hey, I'm going to the Anime conference and I was wondering if you'd like to come, I thought you might enjoy it/be interested in it."

This is really excellent! And there will be future events. And you can take this or similar approach. And even if she says no, she might show more interest in you at school, talk with you, want to get to know you, and then maybe two weeks later, you could ask her to another event. Or, in response to the first event, she might say yes and want to start getting to know you there :) And sometimes it's the quirkier, more different aspects of ourselves which most endear us to others. Just self-disclose in medium steps. And be open when she self-discloses and just acknowledge her disclosure (can be very straightforward, 'Okay, Wow, that's pretty neat,' or, 'Wow, that's pretty serious. I'm sorry that happened. That's not fair, not fair at all.') The goal is to let a ping-ponging back and forth happen in medium steps that are roughly, approximately equal. And you more just allow this to happen and ride with it when it does happen.



right-hand-child
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30 May 2010, 3:24 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I'm sorry :(

I screw everything up too.

Why would she be too good for you?

well she kinda has a "down to earth" normal nature, the kind of mature personality that a lot of people are jealous of. somehow it seems like she'd be popular with a lot of other guys, even though she seems kind of calm or timid. also, this is going to sound stupid, but shes kind of too good looking for me i feel. not like a supermodel though, but nice. me trying to ask her out makes me feel a bit naive, although its not like im some hideous beast...



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01 Jun 2010, 1:11 pm

right-hand-child wrote:
. . . shes kind of too good looking for me i feel. not like a supermodel though, but nice. me trying to ask her out makes me feel a bit naive, . . .

Men have more narrow standards of physical beauty, and by that I mean the way we view and evaluate women, than the standards by which women view and evaluate men. And that's just the fact of the matter. So, she's too goodlooking for you? Not necessarily. Not necessarily at all.

I trust that you dress in a way flattering and comfortable to yourself. Not in a way that meets some arbitrary external standard, but in a way that kind of gels and flows and expresses your own personality. And this is not 100% deal. Maybe if you're currently dressing your expressive best only 2 days a week, see if you can increase that to 4 out of 5.

And similar for exercise, your flow, your game, what you feel works well for yourself, whether you feel this is swimming, Nautilus machine, racquetball, evening jogs, whatever.

Of course you want to be confident without overtrying, this is kind of the zen matter of allowing it to happen, and appreciating even small successes and viewing them as more permanent than failures. Yet, just haven't succeeded yet, that's more the way to look at it.

And the most important zen art of all, within a broad middle range, let it stay real. Compared to guys trying lines or big build-ups, the fact that you might ask her out

'Hey, you want to grab a cup of coffee and look over this physics stuff?'

That might be positively refreshing! Now, you need to trust your gut feelings, and your read of the feel and texture of the situation. That may be too direct, or it may not. You kind of have to come up with what works for you. We can pitch here, and I kind of like pitching because it helps me. But you have to decide what works best for you.

And when you start a relationship with her, or with someone else, share what's important to you, too. Keep it roughly approximately 50-50, even if she's a looker and a stunner . That's a much more satisfying, life-enhancing relationship, than one person trying to please the other all the time.



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01 Jun 2010, 2:27 pm

For starters, look at Hollywood. A much wider range of physical types among men are considered good-looking than among women. Now, should things be this way? No, of course they shouldn't. In fact, one of my business ideas is fashion shows for regular women. It's okay to be skinny as a rail. It is not a requirement to be skinny as a rail. So, we have women modeling clothes who have a wide range of body types. And flaunt it! It's all how you carry yourself.

I got this idea seeing a documentary on PBS about eating disorders and they showed such a fashion show at the end and people were hootering and hollering and it was great. But I do think it was a one-shot deal. So the question is, could it work as an ongoing business. And yes, I think it's okay to borrow good ideas and go forward. In fact, I think that's a large part of how society advances.

Of course, still risky as a business. 80% failure rate for new businesses, biggest reason is undercapitalization. So, you want to test the basic idea as economically as you can. Will enough people pay to attend and can we get enough regular attendees?


PS Even if I were to start such a business, no guarantee I'd meet a woman there. In fact, as an example of the random element, in my mid twenties I met a very fine woman who kind of became my girlfriend for a while at a chess club of all places!