Question about AS guys and their need for space.

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a NT who has been seeing a guy with AS for several months now. Our relationship has progressed slowly, beginning with e-mail, and then infrequent social meetings. Recently, our relationship progressed to a higher level physically, and we had the "talk" about what we expect from the relationship. Up until this point, I was not aware that he has AS.
Following our discussion of where the relationship was headed, I took something he said the wrong way, and I cried in front of him for the first time. He admitted to being freaked out, and told me he needed some space. I asked if he was done with me, and he said, no, that he just needed some time to himself. I gave him time, and did not hear from him for almost two weeks. However, it turned out that during that time a close friend's mother passed away, and he had been helping him deal with the funeral. When we finally did talk, he told me that he did not feel like seeing people. I asked him if I would, eventually, see him again and he said, yes, he just felt like being alone.
My question is- is this normal for someone who has AS, in light of a string of emotionally draining events, to pull away? Also, if he said that he will see me again, and still does respond to my email and calls, and asks how I'm doing- is that a sign there is hope? I feel like that he was done with me, he would be honest and tell me, but at the same time, he said ( in regards to not wanting to see people after the funeral)- "I feel like people don't want to hear the truth."
I'm very confused, and I like this man a lot. Any insight would be much appreciated.

Yes, this is very normal. As an NT female who dated an AS man, I can assure you that this pattern will continue indefinitely. So consider all of the things in a relationship that might cause emotional stress - there are many. Relationships are all about give and take, and emotional compromise in many ways. In my experience, the AS man will not be able to really fully be present to deal with emotionally challenging situations. So if you are sad or if you are needing nurturing, or if you are upset, or anything, you will need to be prepared for dealing with someone who is emotionally distance. Because he has AS, his natural instinct for dealing with emotional stress is not going to change very much. It might very well get worse / harder over time, because the stress builds up in a relationship and he doesn't know how to deal with it.



Hope for what? I can assure you that he likes you and cares about you. But will he ever be able to fully present in a relationship and emotionally supportive? Signs point to this will be very difficult for him. There are a lot of support groups out there for NT women who are in relationships with AS men - you should go read them and learn. The patterns don't really change. You can make an NT/AS relationship work, but it requires a huge amount of patience and understanding on your part. AS men can't really "learn" how to think and feel differently, nor do they really experience empathy in the same way NT people do. So you need to fully understand his particular limitations and accept them if you want the relationship to work. Bottom line: if you can have *no* expectations for how he might behave or how he should behave, then that's a good start.

It is normal. I do withdraw a little from my crush/admirer when I am depressed because I don't want to depress him. He may think you may jilt him if he's depressed most of the time.
I think he would be honest with you if he is done with you. Support him as a friend, not just as a girlfriend.
Good luck!

There is a book, called, "22 Things a Woman Should Know if She Loves a Man That Has Asperger Syndrome."

So here you go, in a top ten version:

1.) There will be loneliness.

2.) Labels and Romantic Expectations Make Him Feel Nervous

3.) He Will Take You and the Relationship for Granted

4.) Communication Will Always Be a Challenge

5.) Your Man May Not Be There for You in a Crisis

6.) He May Get Depressed or Be Completely Inert for Long Periods of Time

7.) You Must Have a Good Social Network (so that you can get your needs met outside of the relationship)

8.) You will Never Change Him, Even If You Can Succeed in Getting Him to Change His Behavior

9.) Even if He Loves You and Values the Relationship, You May Never Get a Commitment.

10.) Many AS/NT Relationships Go Through Various Metamorphoses (friend/not friend/dating/not friend/friend, etc.)

Unless you want to do this for the long haul, you should not date a man with AS, unless you have reason to think he will marry you and stay married, despite all of the above, and you're the sort of person for whom romantic relationships aren't all that important in the first place.

On the flip side, if what you're looking for in a relationship is distance and space, an AS relationship will give you that.

The number one thing to remember is that as an NT, you re-energize emotionally from social contact and inter-personal nurturing; where an AS re-energizes from solitary introspection.
The number two thing is AS people are brutally honest, believe what they say more than what their body language shows you.
The number three thing to remember is emotional range can be thought of as colors, for an AS use colors such as red, yellow, green, and blue, yours are more like instead of just red you have "summer sunset", "watermelon", mauve, burgundy, wine, maroon, crimson, vermilion, oxblood, ruby, puce; so he's unlikely to really understand your emotional nuances and his will seem limited, muted and often delayed.
The number four thing to remember is he will develop special interests, sometimes to near obsessive levels, it's the way his brain works, not a rejection of you.

Poppyx, good list. It seems to encompass a lot of the issues that NT women post here about. Though I do worry that lists like that will lead people to forget that it takes two to make a relationship work. It seems more about 'how to be a martyr' rather than 'how to be in an adult relationship'. If I were an aspie man, I would find it slightly insulting, and I can't comprehend why any woman would want to be in such a difficult relationship . That said, I can only speak for myself.

Mirabel, it was probably difficult for you to notice any odd behaviours at the beginning because of the long-distance relationship, but now that you have, forget the diagnosis. I'm not saying it's made up, but it will wear thin over time if you start to find you're using it as a way to explain all his actions.

His behaviour is normal for him. It doesn't really matter if he has aspergers or not. If something's bugging you, you're welcome to post here, but your best bet is to talk to the guy himself.

Ask him what his actions mean and why he did such and such. Don't accept/presume 'aspergers' as a blanket reason in itself, in lieu of an actual explanation.

It's tempting to use the internet to figure people out once there's a handy little tag for them, but in reality, each one of us has our own personal reason for our actions. You may as well put it down to him being a Leo...

To reiterate, the only way you'll know why he did something is if you ask him. And if he won't answer, or if you find you can't talk to each other about important issues, then that's a pretty big warning sign in any relationship.

Hope some of that helps. I don't mean to be pessimistic; I know nothing about your relationship and it may work out great. I just think communication is so vital and can't be replaced with guesswork, no matter how well intentioned

That's the thing--you wouldn't.

Most NT women would not choose to be in a relationship like that, nor would many AS women.

Ever.

It's not to say that aspie guys can't be in a relationship, but unless you have an AS guy who realizes that he's darn lucky to be in ANY relationship, and therefore, he shouldn't act according to his own whims, AS or not....

there is no point in being in a relationship with him.

My hope for the poster is that either she understands, and can accept OR this is the wakeup call, and she gets the heck out. It sounds like a new relationship.

I agree, though, that communication is the key. If you can't do that, it doesn't really matter what is wrong with him--you're still dealing with a brick wall.

poppyx, i know ive gone off topic instead of helping the poster, but please dont put it like "an AS guy is darn lucky to be in a relationship". i understand you arent just trying to be mean to AS males, and you're trying to help but hoping that she will "get the hell out of the relationship" isnt what i'd call a constructive approach. maybe this girl really likes the AS guy and wants to stay in a relationship with him (chances are the guy does as well), is it really worthing just abandoning the relationship just because of this problem?

no, not even that, from what you say it sounds like you mean "this guys has AS, AS males can't communicate, they dont deserve meaningfull relationships". that list just seems like an insult to me, like its saying to me "you're just livestock being sold at market, and a diseased one at that; here are all your problems"

this person is asking for help with their relationship, so that she can understand her partner better. Not to hear "the only possible solution is to break up with this guy".


as for you mirabell, i recommend you talk to this person yourself, as lene pointed out, its easy to associate a problem with someone from their label. AS subjects may have similar problems in general, but a lot of people who suffer from AS dont display all of the symptoms associated with AS, or not to a noticable extent at least. i read through some of the common traits for AS (for instance failure to recognise when a person is not interested)and thought "a lot of this stuff doesnt apply to me..." (i probably sound blissfully unaware there huh? )

but yeah my point is that AS can vary A LOT. only he can give you the answer to this problem because only he knows whats going on in his head, regardless of how difficult it may be to get anything out of it, therin lies the solution to your relationship (although the community here is more than willing to help you )

Sorry, I wasn't saying "break up with him"

I was responding to the poster above.

I've dated on and off, an aspie, for years, because my own fathering was absent at best, and I actually prefer the emotional distance in an AS relationship. (It's just like Dad, only not mean.)

She just needs to know what she's getting into. If she's more functional than I am, this is not the relationship for her.

It's not like the relationship is getting better--this is the honeymoon phase. It gets worse from here on out.

+1

Thanks to all. This has been very helpful. And, I did ask because I do want this relationship to work, and since he's being needing space lately- we haven't talked much- so I do feel left in the dark and I have been wondering if I should expect this behavior and give him time, or if I should assume he is no longer interested in me. It's difficult to bring all of this up to someone you haven't talked much to recently, and I don't want to overload him with this information and questions, you know?

Um, that's extremely unfair. I agree with many of your posts Poppyx, but this is not a healthy attitude at all.

Whilst no NT should have to bend over backwards for a person with aspergers, it's equally true that an aspie shouldn't be expected to grovel and put the NT on a pedestal either for deigning to date them.

Everyone in a good relationship should consider themselves 'darn lucky'. A relationship where one party believes themselves intrinsically more 'valuable' than the other is not healthy. If you consider yourself a martyr for dating someone, don't date them. Simple as, unless you're hoping for brownie points somewhere along the line...

o.k. Lene, ..sorry, maybe I'm just in a bad mood.

But, I have a question: a lot of the AS guys (not women with AS) that I have known were the sort that women would not date.

AS guys DO have a harder time finding women that will accept them.

If that's true, am I that awful for voicing it?

I mean, if you can't get women to date you because of some of the, for lack of a better word, stigma, aren't you lucky if someone will date you? I keep watching the aspie I know getting really beat up trying to date other people--not everyone is accepting of difference.

I have to say, this does seem to be true. I can't tell you have many times my friends have told me to forget about him, leave him, and move on. They think I'm crazy for wanting to stay with him, and they really don't understand. From an outside perspective- some of the things he does make him seem like a jerk- but I know that he does not do them to be mean, or out of place of malice within him. They don't understand what I experience and what I see. I see so much good, enough that I want to make this work.

Yeah, that's understandable. But you have as much right to peace of mind as he has. Don't hang around making yourself miserable all the time because you're afraid to say anything. It doesn't work.

I used to bottle stuff up a lot, and if you're going out with someone who also finds social communication difficult, you can end up practically feeling the unsaid words. It's such a relief to have straight forward conversations, and by talking normally about things (literally, things as blunt as "do you still like me, should I wait for you?"), I find it diffuses a lot of the anxiety.

Basically, I would suggest not bottling up your questions to avoid overloading him, as that will probably just overload you and then you'll both be frazzled. If you can, phrase your questions as calmly and neutrally as possible and then just ask them. If the answer is confusing, don't be afraid to ask for clarification.

I can't speak for all aspies, but for me it's not the questions that are the problem, it's fear of upsetting the other person or giving the 'wrong answer' (if it seems emotionally charged). I find the longer you bottle questions up, the harder it is to keep cool, so it's better to ask as they arise

ah, sorry if that offended you in that case, that wasnt the intention. still, unless any relationship is completely hopeless (this doesnt seem like it) i try to make it work until the end, or until i know its the end. it was more like the list that annoyed me; it seems to say these problems will happen 100% of the time, and for most AS cases a lot of things on that list just aren't true. the problem with that list is that i dont think any woman would want to be in a relationship where all/any of those things are true after reading it. even if they can be a problem with AS males, and even if the book is just writen to help, i think it will just damage the credibility that AS males can be in a relationship.

got a bit carried away on that last post, sorry