Self diagnosis Apology thread. Please read.

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AphexSam
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14 Jun 2010, 8:03 am

Hello. I am a 16 year old boy and I am diagnosed with Aspergers. I wrote a thread about my dislike for self diagnosis and although I tried to keep it civil at times what people said really hurt me and I was tempted to write really nasty comments as a rebuttal but I didn't.
I am now here to apologise. There is no excuse for what I did however please beleive me when I say it wasn;t out of spite. I have limited empathy and it is currently a skill I am working on so I didn't realise it'd upset as many people as it did however I did guess some people would be annoyed by it, but certainly not upset. I apologise for at times not forming coherent sentences. When I get wound up or engrossed I lose track of being able to form coherent sentences whether speaking or writing so for that I am sorry. I am sorry for not having the life experience as I am currently relatively young compared to most here so my trials and tribulations haven't been as fereverent or in as large quantity as there's.

I took for granted my diagnosis. I got lots of medical testing and got to see physchologists for free due to being on the NHS. I realised that others do not have this as they may be too poor to afford it and I apologise for assuming they could. However I do defend that my Diagnosis has really helped me. due to my diagnosis I now get extra support in school and it will help me in future as Job Interviewers will be able to see that my lack of eye contact is not due to rudeness but how it can make me feel physically uncomfortable. I was naieve when I made the topic and for that I apologise.

Some people said very nasty things though. I wanted a mature discussion and some people who were 30 or 40, over half my age came in insulting me and for that I ask for an apology. Yes I was in the wrong but I think some people in there were as well.

Additionally I am very blunt so this can worsen the effects. My best friend told me she was going to grow up to be rich and famous and really beautiful and I said "That is not going to happen". In my mind I thought I was helping her by giving her perspective on the matter however upon talking to her later and my physchologist I learned that I'd upset her no matter how much truth there was too it. some things you just don't say.

I pride myself on my manners (I have been told by numerous people I'm very polite) and so for me to upset people is a knock to my self esteem and I apologise. History is one of my BIGGEST interests however it is specific eras, the history of Aspergers is not one of them so for somepone to say, you don;t know your history because I don't know one aspect is upsetting. I hope you understand and realise I was not being militious. This has been a very helpful community to me. When I had a serious selfharm episode it was people here who convinced me to go to the doctors and I respect and value many of you.
Thankyou for your time.



ToughDiamond
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14 Jun 2010, 8:17 am

AphexSam wrote:
My best friend told me she was going to grow up to be rich and famous and really beautiful and I said "That is not going to happen". In my mind I thought I was helping her by giving her perspective on the matter however upon talking to her later and my physchologist I learned that I'd upset her no matter how much truth there was too it. some things you just don't say.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for that......maybe most people wouldn't like the truth in that context, but is it really any better to just give out idle platitudes and watch while your friend wastes her life?

I can't really comment much on what you're apologising for, as I didn't pay much attention to that thread. But it's fairly common that some folks here get annoyed about self-diagnosed people, and you have every right to express that. It's a shame that some of them couldn't keep their tempers better.....I marvel at how angry some folks can get over a WP post. Anyway, so what if the debate gets a bit heated at times? At least it shows people are interested.



Janissy
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14 Jun 2010, 8:28 am

AphexSam wrote:
. However I do defend that my Diagnosis has really helped me. due to my diagnosis I now get extra support in school and it will help me in future as Job Interviewers will be able to see that my lack of eye contact is not due to rudeness but how it can make me feel physically uncomfortable. I was naieve when I made the topic and for that I apologise.
.


There is no need to defend that your diagnosis helped you get services because nobody disputed that. In fact, that's part of what hit a nerve for older people. The Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis did not exist when older people were children. Many people would have greatly benefited from the services you got too, but since the diagnosis didn't exist, that wasn't an option.



Reckers
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14 Jun 2010, 8:28 am

Well said.

I didn't participate in that thread due to the nasty direction it went but I would like to explain to you my situation. You may get a better understanding of what us older self-dxed aspies feel.

I'm 37 and self dx myself a month or so ago. When I was 16 nobody had even heard of Asperger Syndrome. My time at school was hard. I got picked on a lot. Called weird and worse. No real friends. Struggled with subjects like English and History. Breezed through maths, physics and chemistry. Had a breakdown in Year 12 and stopped attending school for a month. Nearly did not graduate high school due to my acting out.

If I could have got a diagnosis then, boy, would my life be different. I can't speak for those that wrote bad things toward you but I'm a bit jealous of you and the other younger aspies who get a dx and get some help with school. Maybe they are too.

I don't need a professional dx now. What good would it do me? I know I have AS, it explains everything. A professional, medical dx would only confirm what I know to be true.



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14 Jun 2010, 8:41 am

Well said.



happymusic
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14 Jun 2010, 8:42 am

No hard feelings here, and I posted several times on that thread. I thought it was interesting. Some people did say hurtful things, but overall I didn't find it nasty or malicious. I don't feel an apology is necessary.



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14 Jun 2010, 8:46 am

AphexSam wrote:
Hello. I am a 16 year old boy and I am diagnosed with Aspergers. I wrote a thread about my dislike for self diagnosis and although I tried to keep it civil at times what people said really hurt me and I was tempted to write really nasty comments as a rebuttal but I didn't.
I am now here to apologise. There is no excuse for what I did however please beleive me when I say it wasn;t out of spite.

I believe you. :) I think you need apologise less and will be forgiven more here than most places. God knows some of us need it. :D
Quote:
I have limited empathy and it is currently a skill I am working on so I didn't realise it'd upset as many people as it did however I did guess some people would be annoyed by it, but certainly not upset.

You (understandably) won't have factored in the annoyance that comes from seeing the same thread and the same arguments over and over again. There's a few topics which have that effect (and which people have trolled with before and no doubt will do again.)
Quote:
I apologise for at times not forming coherent sentences. When I get wound up or engrossed I lose track of being able to form coherent sentences whether speaking or writing so for that I am sorry. I am sorry for not having the life experience as I am currently relatively young compared to most here so my trials and tribulations haven't been as fereverent or in as large quantity as there's.

I think you're doing pretty well on the restraint. :)
Quote:
I took for granted my diagnosis. I got lots of medical testing and got to see physchologists for free due to being on the NHS. I realised that others do not have this as they may be too poor to afford it and I apologise for assuming they could.

It's important to bear in mind that Asperger's wasn't around "in my day" and for the older people here, and that GPs attitudes to it vary. The NHS is unreservedly great for emergencies and major physical problems / diseases, but the same cannot be said for mental health.
Quote:
Additionally I am very blunt so this can worsen the effects. My best friend told me she was going to grow up to be rich and famous and really beautiful and I said "That is not going to happen". In my mind I thought I was helping her by giving her perspective on the matter however upon talking to her later and my physchologist I learned that I'd upset her no matter how much truth there was too it. some things you just don't say.

You're likely to be forgiven bluntness here if anywhere. You should not aim to avoid saying things you don't think people will like - it's important to speak the truth as you see it, and many people will value you more for it - you should work on how to say them without giving offence. I try. :lol:


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14 Jun 2010, 9:21 am

Janissy wrote:
AphexSam wrote:
. However I do defend that my Diagnosis has really helped me. due to my diagnosis I now get extra support in school and it will help me in future as Job Interviewers will be able to see that my lack of eye contact is not due to rudeness but how it can make me feel physically uncomfortable. I was naieve when I made the topic and for that I apologise.
.


There is no need to defend that your diagnosis helped you get services because nobody disputed that. In fact, that's part of what hit a nerve for older people. The Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis did not exist when older people were children. Many people would have greatly benefited from the services you got too, but since the diagnosis didn't exist, that wasn't an option.


Agreed on that-when I went to school, if you had a learning disablilty or something that made you "different" you were sent to the S.E.D class which was the "socially and emotionally disturbed" class-my teacher at the time didn't believe in "learning disabled" but believed in "learns differently" and he had a great sucess rate at teaching kids that others said could not be taught or those students the other teachers may have just not want to be bothered with. I even have a report card from the 6th grade that describes me as "a good student but does not work well in groups and wants to get his assignments done so he can read the books that interest him-like science" and "needs to learn how to control himself" and "cannot accept making mistakes"-well there were the signs even in the 6th grade and every report card before that pretty much said the same thing-a smart kid but has social and emotion problems.



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14 Jun 2010, 9:22 am

Here's a radical idea: stop taking yourself so very seriously.



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14 Jun 2010, 9:27 am

I'm one of the older people who disagreed with you in that thread, but not maliciously! You have a legitimate reason for feeling that way, and so do people who feel otherwise, and isn't that how we learn about the world? I didn't read the entire thread, since it grew so big, but I don't believe for a minute that you need to apologize for stating your opinion. I think that if you have an opinion, and a good reason for having it, you are qualified to speak, and your words caused me to respond in a rational way because I felt that you were stating your opinion in a rational way. If you had said something like "Self-diagnosed Aspies make me sick because of their revolting greediness in helping themselves to a diagnosis they are not entitled to" I would have done my best to verbally kick you in the nuts, but you didn't. You had a reason for feeling the way you did, and I had a reason for feeling the opposite way, and that makes a good discussion, doesn't it? Sorry it got out of hand, but that happens sometimes, and I hope it doesn't force you into a closet. I'm sorry for anyone who lives in a closet, and I don't have a lot of empathy.



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14 Jun 2010, 9:42 am

To the original poster: don't beat yourself up too badly. You more than likely have grown up in a time where there is better and sometimes cheaper diagnosis tools. I also understand why you may be concerned with "fakers," etc. Please see my post on the thread http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=2846311#2846311 if you have any questions. This also applies to anyone else who has questions about my view on this topic.


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14 Jun 2010, 10:18 am

You manned up and apolagized that shows some emotional growth, most 16 year olds without Aspergers would never have owned up to their mistake. Your very mature for your age.



AphexSam
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14 Jun 2010, 10:24 am

thankyou I just felt bad for what I said as I hurt peoples feelings so I needed to make ammends.
To the person who wrote the "don't take yourself so seriously" comment, what do you mean. I have an understanding of it in that I;m guessing you meant don't be so serious about all this but what I struggle to understand is why, just curious is all. Im glad you guys are accepting my apologies :).
Just going to wait for anyone else I upset to come in and see what I said. I feel really bad for what I expressed. I mean it was my viewpoint but maybe I said it in a "harsh way" so I'll try and work on that.



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14 Jun 2010, 10:58 am

It's easy to get all wound up on such a topic as this when one has so much of oneself invested in it.

Having a little more experience dealing with such a diversity of opinions and facts, I draw upon what I know from going to Twelve Step meetings when dealing with topics I've invested a lot in. We have something called the Twelve Traditions. We say the Steps keep us from committing SUICIDE, while the Traditions keep us from committing HOMOCIDE.

Tradition Three, in a generic sense, states that, "The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop..." drinking, using, gambling, smoking, whatever. For ME, this Tradition applies here.

You see, although I'm undiagnosed, I'm still very serious about finding out whether I'm affected in one way or another by an ASD as well as other comorbid conditions. I can say that these would explain so much of what I've felt and been through in life all the way back to childhood. When I first came to WrongPlanet, I was made to feel so welcome and I felt supported in my desire to find out SOMETHING! So yeah, I had a desire.

Then, in reading the posts and just being here I realized that there might be people on WP who are here for other reasons. BUT still I made it a point only to be concerned with my own reasons for being here. I also realize the challenges faced by those (like myself) who COULDN'T get a diagnosis in childhood to save their lives because there was no diagnosis in those days.

And I won't even go into the misdiagnosis that goes on in professional arena.

In the end, I invoked the third Tradition here. In essence, I cannot measure the desire any other member has for getting a professional diagnosis or actually learning how to live as well as possible with AS, its comorbids, or any other condition that has similar effects. As long as I practice goodwill - doing the right thing for the right reason on this site, I know that I'm making a contribution to what goes on here.

It just seems logical for me to look at it like that so that I don't become too judgmental or self-righteous.

I do understand how you feel, though. It can be too easy to get caught up in diagnosing oneself based on being caught up in the moment of finding this information when there are so many other conditions that have similar symptoms and outcomes. For those who do choose to read and draw inferences from it, one can only HELP oneself by broadening his/her search to find as much information as possible and rule out those possibilities that just don't fit. Still, if possible, using that information in conjunction with speaking to a professional in some capacity might benefit those who are here and undiagnosed.

I'm going to try.

This might be TMI, but I thought it might benefit all parties. I want to see WP remain a place where people can come for understanding and support.



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14 Jun 2010, 11:27 am

AphexSam wrote:
To the person who wrote the "don't take yourself so seriously" comment, what do you mean. I have an understanding of it in that I;m guessing you meant don't be so serious about all this but what I struggle to understand is why, just curious is all. Im glad you guys are accepting my apologies :)

I think they decided to show you how one shouldn't go about saying something blunt. :wink:
Surreal wrote:
It's easy to get all wound up on such a topic as this when one has so much of oneself invested in it.

Yeah, bit like discussions on gender identity, a challenge to the way you see something may appear as a challenge to your fundamental conception of yourself. Dangerous stuff. :)


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14 Jun 2010, 11:42 am

Hi, Aphex! I just wanted to take a moment to explain why some of us older folks are so touchy about this topic whenever it comes up - and boy, does it ever come up...

Some of our younger members, as noted above, have grown up in a world in which their diagnosis was understood and accepted - heck, you were born in the same year that AS made its debut in the DSM-IV! You've always had something that could be pointed at to explain why you were so different from everyone around you.

Back in the day, though, if you had at least a normal IQ, and weren't some sort of semi-drooling Rain Man type, you obviously weren't autistic. For some of us, this was back in the days of the DSM-II, when homosexuality was still defined as a mental disorder. Instead of being diagnosed on the autistic spectrum (which also wasn't a concept back then - you were low-functioning or you weren't autistic at all), we'd be slapped with all sorts of other labels. If we were never professionally assessed (either because we made it through the early years without melting down, or because our parents didn't believe in psychiatry), the label was usually something along the lines of "stupid", "lazy", "unmotivated", or "contrary and just needs a good spanking".

Now we're adults, and through one route or another we've finally heard about this AS thing. Maybe someone we know thinks we might be on the spectrum (in my case, my older sister). We begin research, as aspies so often do, learning everything we possibly can regarding this disorder. Finally, there's something that explains everything! We read the descriptions, we read the thread "You might be an Aspie if...", we read the life stories of others here, and we say, "Yeah, that's me all right!" For the first time ever, we might have a handle on things - maybe we're not really just stupid, lazy, unmotivated, contrary brats...

And then along come multiple threads of exactly the sort of verbal abuse we've been tolerating all our lives. Those with a diagnosis look down on us as "fakes", call us too "lazy" to go get assessed, say we're really just being "contrary".

Is it really surprising that some of us get a tad defensive about the whole thing at this point?


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