Culling friends, one way friendships and regaining friends

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Fiz
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15 Apr 2006, 12:15 pm

Yes I know, this is another 'Fiz is having friendship problems thread', but hey I'm dealing with it. Some have given me a s**t ride but then this thread does end happily. I am currently 'cleaning out my closet' at the moment and relieving myself of some unwanted/unneeded crap (shite friends and idiots). I have decided that I will not stand for nonsense anymore as neither I nor anyone I associate with that isn't family are children that don't know right from wrong. I will feel so relieved when its over as I have enough s**t to worry about at the moment without having people in my life that I have no desire to be there invading my mental head space when I could fill that space with someone/something else more worthwhile. So here goes.

I culled two of my friends this week. For those of you that aren't familiar with this term, to cull someone means to totally end a friendship to the point where you have no contact with these people at all any more ever again. I did this as they were invading my personal head space and only spoke to me when they needed something from me in some way and not behave like normal friends. When I told them that I was going to cull them, they reacted just how I predicted i.e. played on the old 'oh but I need you' or 'who will I come to now?' BS which I was fully prepared for. I pointed out to them that they have other friends of whom they treat with a lot more respect than me and that I don't like being treated like a mug, which by all account they took me for. I even went so far as to take their mobiles off them and erase my number from them. Now they have no way of contacting me and they will never be able to take me for an idiot again, what a relief.

One way friendships piss me off, does it piss off anyone else? Ive got one at the moment but Im leaving it for now as something else might be going on that isnt personal to me and not only that I know that I have a terrible habit of acting before I think. Basically I feel lead on by this person and feel that this person is making a fool out of me but then maybe this isnt the case hence like I say Im going to let it lie for now and see how it pans out because at the moment this is a friendship I don't want to cull. Even though Ive been very busy I have made time for this person as asked (and cos I wanted to) but this isnt returned, Im the one doing all the work and the last time we spoke is because this person wanted something from me, hmmmm.

Anyway, this thread is going to have a happy ending I'm damn sure. What has also happened is that I have regained two friends recently for definite. In both cases I lost contact with the pair of them as about 2-3 years ago I had my mobile phone stolen and I hadnt memorised their numbers and didnt have them anywhere else. Plus one of them changed their email addresses without telling me making it difficult to remain in contact with him. One was a friend from school the other from the first university I went to. They both contacted me within the same space of about two weeks (about a month-6 weeks ago as they had managed to find my email address) wondering if they had the right email etc etc and I was really happy about this as I got on really well with the pair of them. And they were very pleased to have got back in contact with me. One works in the south of england and he's going to come visit me soon and the other now knows where I live and is visiting me soon too. These are old friends of mine hence the feeling of happiness.

See? Every cloud has a silver lining. And I knew this thread was going to end cheerfully. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D



TigerFire
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15 Apr 2006, 12:33 pm

Fiz if you don't really want a friendship with me just say so. I really don't want to let my self be left hanging out to dry for no apparent reason. That's what I did to my ex fiance and I've lead my self to believe that she actually loves me. I don't know why I fool with these things. I always end up being hurt and depressed. If you want to have nothing to do with me I won't pm you any more. I get out of your hair. I'm very sorry that I ruined any part of your life.


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alex
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15 Apr 2006, 12:44 pm

TigerFire wrote:
Fiz if you don't really want a friendship with me just say so. I really don't want to let my self be left hanging out to dry for no apparent reason. That's what I did to my ex fiance and I've lead my self to believe that she actually loves me. I don't know why I fool with these things. I always end up being hurt and depressed. If you want to have nothing to do with me I won't pm you any more. I get out of your hair. I'm very sorry that I ruined any part of your life.


I'm pretty sure she isn't talking about you.


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TigerFire
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15 Apr 2006, 12:50 pm

Maybe this isn't really the place for it but I just want to let everyone know that I'm a really lonely person. I hate being lonely but I know it's apart of my nature and who I am so I'm going to have to deal with it. I've done many attemps to start relationships with girls that are my friends and they've ended quite horribly. With me getting hurt and heart broken I don't think I can find love again. I know that Fiz wants to be basically on her own and I know after having read some of her journal on this site I understand more about her. I've been pming her as you all know but with her posting this above mine I understand that she just wants to be with her self. I just don't want to push anything that isn't. I guess I'll go on to find some one else. :cry: :cry:


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Tequila
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15 Apr 2006, 1:08 pm

TigerFire: You sound pathetically desperate. I think it would be a great idea if you left the poor woman alone, don't you? (Feel free to correct me Fiz if I have the wrong end of the brush.)



TigerFire
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15 Apr 2006, 2:11 pm

Tequila wrote:
TigerFire: You sound pathetically desperate. I think it would be a great idea if you left the poor woman alone, don't you? (Feel free to correct me Fiz if I have the wrong end of the brush.)


Yeah thanks for your post. I feel much better...I guess not. Fiz I'm sorry. I'm sorry everyone.


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moomin
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15 Apr 2006, 6:14 pm

Tequila wrote:
TigerFire: You sound pathetically desperate. I think it would be a great idea if you left the poor woman alone, don't you? (Feel free to correct me Fiz if I have the wrong end of the brush.)


they're pretty harsh words there..no need for that.



TigerFire
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15 Apr 2006, 8:26 pm

moomin wrote:
Tequila wrote:
TigerFire: You sound pathetically desperate. I think it would be a great idea if you left the poor woman alone, don't you? (Feel free to correct me Fiz if I have the wrong end of the brush.)


they're pretty harsh words there..no need for that.


Thanks moomin. I really need someone like you to talk to. Could you pm me?


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Tequila
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15 Apr 2006, 8:34 pm

It may well have come across an order of magnitude harsher than intended, but it was the way I saw it - that he came (and comes) across as somewhat desperate and needy. Sorry TigerFire - no offence like, but you do.



ELLCIM
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15 Apr 2006, 8:36 pm

Tequila wrote:
It may well have come across an order of magnitude harsher than intended, but it was the way I saw it - that he came (and comes) across as somewhat desperate and needy. Sorry TigerFire - no offence like, but you do.


There is nothing wrong with being desperate and needy. Some people are just that way. Society, deal with it and move on. End of story.



emp
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15 Apr 2006, 8:38 pm

Fiz, I think good on you for culling those friends who were not truly your friends anyway. Some people will just use use use or abuse abuse abuse you forever, until you finally stomp your foot and say "Enough!". Some people think it is OK to use someone repeatedly until rejected, especially because they perceive no penalty for doing so.

Imagine if driving while intoxicated was illegal (as it is) but if you were caught doing it, you were just required to stop doing it, with no monetary penalty. Plenty of people would abuse the system endlessly.

All of us need to be aware of the tricks that some people will use on us. More street-smarts, less naivete. Obviously you are succeeding in that area. There are many nice people in the world. Unfortunately there are also many people who are best avoided.

Also, this does not apply to you or I, but I would rather be alone than have only friends who were just using me.

That said, occasionally there are people who use you and do not give you anything in return BUT if you specifically ASK them to help you with something (as they have been asking you), they are willing to do so. So in those cases, you might want to evaluate whether the person might be of value to you, and whether it is worthwhile maintaining the relationship for that mutually-beneficial reason. But if there is nothing you want from them and unlikely to ever be, and if you are very independent-minded like me and tend not to ask for help, well, you are busy and not operating a charity.



TigerFire
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15 Apr 2006, 8:54 pm

Tequila wrote:
It may well have come across an order of magnitude harsher than intended, but it was the way I saw it - that he came (and comes) across as somewhat desperate and needy. Sorry TigerFire - no offence like, but you do.


Yeah I am desperate. I can handle it for a while but I fear I'll go back down into a deeper hole of Depression.


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emp
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15 Apr 2006, 8:58 pm

TigerFire wrote:
Maybe this isn't really the place for it but I just want to let everyone know that I'm a really lonely person. I hate being lonely but I know it's apart of my nature and who I am so I'm going to have to deal with it. I've done many attemps to start relationships with girls that are my friends and they've ended quite horribly. With me getting hurt and heart broken I don't think I can find love again.


If you are ending up hurt and heart-broken, then maybe as a learning experience/exercise, you should aim to form a relationship where you are NOT so emotionally attached that if it ended, you would be heart-broken. Aim to form a relationship where if-- not if, WHEN it ends, you will perhaps be a bit sad but not heart-broken. Experiencing such a relationship would probably be helpful for your development, and you may be surprised by how much you and your girlfriend enjoy it and are happy.

Furthermore, I do not know your age, but especially when young, many girls will be scared away if you are too strong in your emotions or if it seems that you want them to commit to you for life, despite the fact that you are both so young.

In other words: Lighten up, and take much more time before you start to form any strong emotional attachments. I am taking a guess that you are forming strong emotional attachments much too fast, ahead of the girls you are dating, and this scares them away. Perhaps you should try to match your pace with their pace.



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15 Apr 2006, 9:44 pm

emp wrote:
TigerFire wrote:
Maybe this isn't really the place for it but I just want to let everyone know that I'm a really lonely person. I hate being lonely but I know it's apart of my nature and who I am so I'm going to have to deal with it. I've done many attemps to start relationships with girls that are my friends and they've ended quite horribly. With me getting hurt and heart broken I don't think I can find love again.


If you are ending up hurt and heart-broken, then maybe as a learning experience/exercise, you should aim to form a relationship where you are NOT so emotionally attached that if it ended, you would be heart-broken. Aim to form a relationship where if-- not if, WHEN it ends, you will perhaps be a bit sad but not heart-broken. Experiencing such a relationship would probably be helpful for your development, and you may be surprised by how much you and your girlfriend enjoy it and are happy.

Furthermore, I do not know your age, but especially when young, many girls will be scared away if you are too strong in your emotions or if it seems that you want them to commit to you for life, despite the fact that you are both so young.

In other words: Lighten up, and take much more time before you start to form any strong emotional attachments. I am taking a guess that you are forming strong emotional attachments much too fast, ahead of the girls you are dating, and this scares them away. Perhaps you should try to match your pace with their pace.


I know you mean well but there's something in me that keeping saying over and over if I don't get my self attached to some girl that I'll lose her. I fear losing friendship and possible future relationships. I don't have a girl friend anymore. I know she's either one of two things she's upset that she lost me or she happy and doesn't care. Maybe I'm trying to hard. Why would anyone, any girl actually like or love about me?


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emp
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15 Apr 2006, 10:08 pm

TigerFire wrote:
there's something in me that keeping saying over and over if I don't get my self attached to some girl that I'll lose her.


I fully believe that this observation about yourself (that there is something in you telling you this thing) is correct because it fits the results so well, but it is not good at all to be hearing this in your mind (your observation is correct, the belief itself is not). I think you have helped yourself merely by recognizing it -- that was the first step. Now the next step is to realize that this thought process is NOT true and it is ruining your relationships. So work on eliminating or changing it, and then you should have more success in retaining relationships.

You think you will lose her if you do not get yourself attached, BUT in reality the opposite! It is the very fact that you get yourself attached (too early and too strong) that causes you to lose her ! But with practise and determination you can fix this incorrect thought process.



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15 Apr 2006, 10:19 pm

emp wrote:
TigerFire wrote:
there's something in me that keeping saying over and over if I don't get my self attached to some girl that I'll lose her.


I fully believe that this observation about yourself (that there is something in you telling you this thing) is correct because it fits the results so well, but it is not good at all to be hearing this in your mind (your observation is correct, the belief itself is not). I think you have helped yourself merely by recognizing it -- that was the first step. Now the next step is to realize that this thought process is NOT true and it is ruining your relationships. So work on eliminating or changing it, and then you should have more success in retaining relationships.

You think you will lose her if you do not get yourself attached, BUT in reality the opposite! It is the very fact that you get yourself attached (too early and too strong) that causes you to lose her ! But with practise and determination you can fix this incorrect thought process.


Yeah you're right I know I should change my thought processes but since I have this Anxiety Disorder I seem to worry a whole lot. I know it on my part that I might be pushing girls away because of my fears but I don't see how I can change that. I fear change.


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