Does AS get worse when you live with a sexual partner?

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Looking back over my life, my Aspie symptoms have usually worsened when I've been living with a partner for a while, as judged by my interactions with said partners. Anybody else get the same problem? Naturally the relationship deteriorates as the AS symptoms increase, but which causes which? And why should it happen at all?

In my own case, it's always felt like the relationship has got worse first, then the Aspie traits follow, but I can't be sure.

Also, what could be done to stop this kind of thing happening? It's kind of frustrating to keep getting married only to find that what looks for all the world like it will work, doesn't.

Interesting question! I've only lived with one person long-term and in that case, yes, they did get worse. A lot worse! However, they also got a lot better for the first few years.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think that, like you, the relationship hit problems worse and the Aspie traits followed. The decline set in after many years when I felt much happier and contented than ever before. Extra stresses seemed to upset the balance, especially some miserable times I had at work. Children caused more energy drain and stress. Eventually, I just needed to retreat somewhere quiet to re-energise, however my ex-wife re-energised by going out and socialising, so "never the twain shall meet".

Reading that, it now looks as if I'm changing opinion, that maybe external stresses caused the AS traits to worsen (this was way before I'd heard of AS, though), which caused the relationship to decline. Years of "Acting Normal" didn't help, at some point you can't keep the lid on your real feelings anymore.

It would have been nice to have an option for those of use whose living status (with or with out a sexual partner) hasn't changed in the past, well, 17 years in my case, and who thus can't vote for any of those options, so we could see the results without logging out.

NT here. My aspie got much worse the longer we were in a relationship.

I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of the problem is having to "mask" AS symptoms. No one should have to do that 24/7.

It adds to the stress of the AS person substantially if they have to be something they are not for a long time.

why should an aspie have to mask his AS symptoms around his partner?

Currently the votes are 3 yes, one sometimes, and zero for no.


An Aspie shouldn't have to (IMHO), but I suspect we frequently do, in the early stages of a relationship, perhaps without even knowing we're masking. I've never deliberately masked any of my "faults" to a new partner, but I've somehow managed to mask stuff in the past, and more recently I've found it surprisingly difficult to police myself over that. In some strange way, I seem to become a different person when I've been with a longterm partner for a while, and I'd love to know how to keep my original lovely persona.......though maybe the problem is that in the early stages the lady is more of a lover than a partner, then she becomes a partner rather than a lover, and the two roles are competely different, i.e. I'm a great lover but a hopeless longterm partner? I once read a rather cynical idea - that most relationships go worng when the partners can no longer hide their true, obnoxious selves from each other any more. And some say that love is blind, which wouldn't help.

So I've sworn a solemn oath that if I ever start dating again, I'll make damned sure I tell them about every flaw I know about before the relationship becomes sexual, even at the risk of losing them......I'd also want to check out their flaws and appraise them for suitability, in the cold light of day, though I have a nasty habit of seeing prospective lovers through rose-tinted specs, and I've heard that everybody does that and there's no help for it. Love is a powerful emotion and it tends to make a mockery of reason every time.

My AS was worst in my last two relationships but my last ex was asexual. Now this relationship it's at the same level. I have an easy going and laid back husband.

I agree with poppyx and ToughDiamond; my own difficulties become more obvious when I am living with someone. I think that it comes down to not being able to maintain a pretence 24/7; none of us can and it's exhausting to just do it whilst at work.

So yes, my symptoms get worse when I am living with someone, as there is no respite, no rest. My ex-wife was very understanding about it throughout our relationship, although I did eventually have something like a meltdown that resulted divorce. My bad, that.

I lived with my current girlfriend for a while, and just couldn't do it. It was way too tiring, and I freaked out within 3 months.

Because NonAutistic people are intolerant of anyone who thinks and behaves differently than they do and invariably believe that they can forcibly change you. When someone nags at you incessantly you involuntarily learn to mask who you are to avoid confrontation.

I have been experiencing this, to a slight extent, in my latest relationship. While I am very glad that I can be myself around him, I doubt that we could live together without destroying each other. The reason for this, is that we are both very intense. We focus on each other when he is over, and I realize how intense this has been, when he leaves. We study and analyze each communication for meanings and patterns. Also, he is very messy, while I am a neat freak. This would most assuredly cause problems, were we to share living quarters.

So, maybe you shouldn't marry your next love interest, but have separate living spaces so that you can regroup and spend time with yourself? I am convinced that I feel a lot better when I have had a chance to miss my guy, rather than seeing him every single day, without fail, and having nowhere to just relax and be alone.

I didn't say I made my aspie act that way.

Most aspies seem to think they have to mask to get into a relationship.

In fact, I think it torpedoed our relationship that I DID accept his aspieness. That was just too weird for him.

The only thing I nagged him about was talking to me about another girl. That's not an AS trait.

This^
With a partner like that, even explaining why you act the way you do in certain situations doesn't work because they're too narrow minded to understand it.

I was told by another aspie people change when they first meet someone because it boosts their mood. It also boosts their energy level too and more ability to function. Then after a while it wears off and bam you see the real person you're with.

I used to talk about my ex's and then after a while I stopped because I got over it.

This is so true!

a naive thought on my part, but i'd want a different, much more compatible partner then. i can dream, can't i?

true for many people. My boyfriend was the same from day 1 though. Such a stubborn person would never think to put on an act....