Tips for aspie guys to get their first date

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Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,258
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 May 2012, 3:11 am

n4mwd wrote:
Note: I have edited this post from the original based on the suggestions posted below.

There are a lot of young guys on here that have said that they are having trouble finding a girlfriend, getting a date, etc. NT's don't have to think about these things as stuff just happens automatically, but aspie guys frequently have to work very hard at it and some never do succeed. Because of that inequality, I am posting this to hopefully help aspie guys achieve their relationship goals. This is not a rule book, but a list of suggestions to help you be more successful. As usual, your mileage may vary.

One major problem that seems to hurt aspie guys is that they have no idea when a girl is attracted to them. Most girls will not say anything to guys they find attractive and instead will leave it up to the guy to read her mind and make the first move. (huh?) Ok its not really mind reading, but here is how it works. When you are around other people, you need to constantly scan the girls and look for ones that are looking at you. Do this in a covert way. If you catch one looking at you, and she smiles at you, then you have found a hot prospect. Note that she could be 100 feet away from you if you are in a school cafeteria, ball field, church or restaurant so don't ignore the ones that are more than a few feet away. In any case, you need to go up to her and introduce yourself at the earliest possible time and assert your confidence.

Confidence is a major attraction for women. Don't confuse confidence with cockiness. Women do tend to be attracted to confident guys. When you talk to a woman that has been flirting with you, do you talk to her like you have something she wants or like she has something you want? Confidence improvement is not something I am going to cover here in detail, but just know that the right kind of confidence perceived by a woman in a man can trump everything said here.

I have heard women claim that a male's physical appearance is not that important. While it clearly isn't the only factor, it is still very important. For example, one study I saw had two guys, one hot, the other very plain, talking to women in a controlled setting separately. The women did not know what was going on. Both guys used almost exactly the same rude language and behavior towards the women. On average, the women complained about the plain guy's 'attitude problem' far more than the hot guy who did and said the same things. As such, physical appearance is very important to an aspie and will help offset perceived 'attitude problems'.

I have been studying female attractions for years now. Physical appearance is extremely important. My observations say that the physical attraction breakdown goes something like this:

40% Face
20% Body Language
15% Hair style
15% Physique
10% Clothes

Its pretty obvious that a guy's face is his most important physical attribute. This also includes his facial profile which is often overlooked. Unfortunately, its also the most difficult to improve short of surgery. Guys can improve their facial appearance by avoiding things that detract from their looks. Facial hair and piercings should be considered very carefully. A nose ring would be great if you are trying to attract a cow, but it doesn't seem to work that great for humans. Facial hair is usually bad, but in some cases it can be used to cover a flaw.

Body language is where a lot of aspie guys fall short. Eye contact and smiles are probably the most important body language that a guy can have when it comes to attracting girls. When a girl flirts with a guy and he doesn't look directly into her eyes when she speaks, she interprets that to mean that he finds her unattractive or that he is unavailable or otherwise uninterested. Guys that smile nice seem to do a lot better than guys that don't. Teeth are important, but not as much as one would think. As long as a guy isn't missing any front ones, he's probably just fine. When talking to girls, aspie guys should make a conscious effort to smile a lot and look into their eyes as much as possible when you are talking to each other. Some practice in the mirror may be helpful to avoid tensing up, over-smiling and looking stupid.

Body odor and bad breath will cause you significant trouble when trying to talk to women. For most guys, this is probably the easiest detractor to get rid of. A little cologne is good, but is not a substitute for good hygiene.

For younger guys, hair style is often overlooked. What kind of hair style are the hot guys wearing? Would that look good on you? Unless you have a perfect head shape and profile, a shaved head is not the best option. Longish hair that parts in the middle with good styling is optimal. If nothing looks good on you, then a buzz cut is OK in a pinch. Hair straighteners and colorings are also an option. Don't be afraid to ask some girl (or gay guy) you meet at the store for advice (that means another customer and not a sales clerk).

Weird hair styles like mohawks, spikes and blue coloring are generally not the best. They will cause girls to look at you, but not necessarily in a positive way. But then that also depends on the type of girl you are trying to attract. The bottom line is that a guy with an attractive hair style is going to do better with the girls than a guy with messy hair.

A guy's physique is also very important. Working out at the gym and having well toned muscles is optimal, but simply not being fat is also good. If you are fat, consider diets, exercise and maybe surgery depending on how bad off you are. Having too many muscles is really overkill and can work against you. Too much muscle can make you look fat with your clothes on. So a toned physique with well defined muscles is where you want to be. It simply doesn't matter if you can bench press 500 lbs. What matters is that you look good.

I should point out that guys that work out and become well toned before age 18 will have an easier time keeping their physique than guys that started after age 18. This is because working out at a younger age builds more muscle cells and working out after 18 builds bigger muscle cells. Muscles cells that become swollen due to constant workouts can very easily become small again when the workouts cease. So if you are reading this and you are under 18, now is the time to start working out regardless of your reasons for doing so.

Also, if possible, try to get a tan if you are white. A good tan tends to give guys an extra edge. I live in Florida so tanning is simply a matter of walking outside, but in some areas, a tanning bed may be necessary. Some skin types have a problem tanning. There are artificial tanning products, but with these you run the risk of unknowingly looking fake. Also, an overdone tan can actually work against you and may also have health risks.

If you already have a good body, do whatever is necessary to keep it that way. Avoid high carb meals and sugar soda as much as possible and try to stay physically active. If you find yourself developing love handles or belly fat, take action to get it back down. That is, more exercise and less carbs and fat. Even after you get married, you are still an aspie and can't afford to give your significant other another reason to dump you.

Clothes are the easiest thing to fix, but not so easy to pick out. Its best to have someone go with you that will give you a non-biased opinion when buying new clothes. You can also watch what guys are wearing on TV. Those guys have professionals to pick their clothes out and are constantly on top of all the latest fashion trends. Something similar may also look good on you as well.

Great looking clothes can cover up not so great looking bodies. Its important because very few people have perfect bodies. But if you do have a good looking body, try to wear clothes that accentuate your positive physical attributes. Things like stretch shirts and short sleeves help show off your good physique. Muscle shirts tend to make a guy look trashy even if he is well toned, so avoid those if possible. Maybe go shirtless when outdoors playing sports or working in the yard. When I say shirtless, I mean bare chested and not wearing one of those silly undershirts. Undershirts should never be worn unless you are trying to hide something.

When it comes to clothes, the bottom line is that you should always dress appropriately for the occasion, don't hesitate to seek advice from others that are more knowledgeable, and always dress in a way that maximizes your appearance. Also, you should NEVER ignore someone who says you aren't dressed properly. Especially an NT because you have to be pretty bad off before they will say anything.

Now after having said all that, the one thing that trumps a guy's looks is his money. Girls want a guy that can take care of them and guys with money can always do that. If you are unemployed, you are going to have a harder time finding a girlfriend regardless of your looks. Some guys do lie about such things, but eventually they do get caught.

I have seen actual psychological studies whereby girls were handed a stack of photos of guys to rate from 0 to 10. Expectedly, they rated the hot guys as 9's and 10's and the ugly guys as 0's and 1's. But when they added captions with fake incomes, the guy's looks were ignored. Consequently, the hot guys with captions that said "Grease Monkey - $15K/yr" got rated low and the ugly guys with captions that said "Neurosurgeon - $500K/yr" were rated high. So if you are physically unattractive, all is not lost if you can manage to make, and keep, a lot of money. This is a good reason to have a college education.

An anomaly is the current US recession and the divorce rate. Despite the fact that overall personal finances are down, women are electing to stay with their now poorer husbands. Researchers claim that this is due to the fact that women find it harder to do better with other men and also the high cost of a bitter divorce. It has long been known that a leading cause of divorce has been arguments over money, but what is now known is that the killer arguments are not about the lack of money, but rather about how to spend money they already have.

BUT the attraction of a girl to a guy is just the first part of it. So basically, your looks will get you the first date, but its your personality that will get you the second. A lot of aspie guys have a problem here so its always best to get the girl to talk about herself as much as possible. Telling her that you are an aspie is like telling her you have the plague, HIV, and regularly hear voices telling you to mutilate cats, so don't mention it until she is serious about you.

Avoid phrases like "Oh, you're wrong about that" and "You have to be really stupid to say something like that". You would think they would be grateful that you were paying attention and caught their error, but no, they aren't like that and tend to count such observances as a mark against you. So if the girl says that she believes the world is flat, just stay silent or if you must, disagree covertly by saying something like, "Are you sure about that?" Of course, if she is really that dumb, YOU might not want the second date.

At the same time, you need to learn to lie to her when appropriate. If she ever asks how she looks, the answer is always "You look awesome" regardless of what you really think. The same thing goes for questions like "How do you like the new car I picked out by myself" and "What do you think of my new dress?"

When it comes to her physical flaws, don't even think about pointing them out. Chances are, she already knows what they are and wont appreciate you reminding her. The exception is temporary abnormalities such as mustard on her cheek or a piece of anchovy stuck to her teeth. Even then, its best to say such things as quietly and with as few words as possible.

Also, when you are eating at a restaurant and sitting in a booth, sit next to her on the same side and not across from her. But as always, if she has a preference for seating arrangements, do what she says regardless.

Lastly, I frequently hear fellow aspies saying things like "The girls just wont give me a chance and go out with me". While this is often very true, what those same guys tend to ignore is that they themselves aren't giving less attractive girls a chance either. I have seen a lot of really hot guys married to not so great looking girls. If girls like that are good enough for them, why aren't they good enough for you? One thing for sure is that a hot girl is more likely to cheat than an ugly girl - simply because she can. So if you are interested in stability, definitely consider the less attractive girls.

Well, that's it for now. I hope this advice will help some guys that are having problems.

Good luck!

Sources for those 2 studies??

I know that the first one is very true because it's something I see everyday, attractive people are not treated in the same way as the unattractive people.

but i am curious to see the actual studies.