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katzefrau
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25 Jun 2010, 1:55 pm

I have terrible problems working .. I'm ok talking to some people one-on-one (and will sometimes pick someone as a "safe zone") but I have terrible anxiety working with a handful of people at once (say, more than two). I can't figure out the group dynamics, I don't know who I'm supposed to greet, I don't know when people laughing is just humor or if it's at someone else's expense (or mine), I have trouble figuring out who is genuinely friendly toward me and ok to talk to .. Eventually I withdraw to try to manage the anxieties and I end up getting subtly bullied (I start overhearing people make negative comments about me) or one person singles me out and hates me or makes hurtful comments to me or tries to get me fired.

But also I can never figure out who's responsible, or if is based on something I did.

Anyone else, and how did you handle it?


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thechadmaster
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25 Jun 2010, 2:01 pm

thats why i just roll with the punches, if someone wants to have fun at my expense, thats their privilege as an NT. people want to pull a "disappearing act" (see the thread), thats fine, ill be here when you get back. people want to steal my property, ok, it wasnt mine to begin with, i had it on loan from God.

life is just temporary in my book, another 80 orso years i can go meet my maker in heaven and He will restore me to what i should be. i let others take and take and take but i never expect anything back, this NT world has trained me to beileve that if society wants me to have something, i will have it, but i am not allowed to expect anything in return, reparations are God's department.


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Last edited by thechadmaster on 25 Jun 2010, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CockneyRebel
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25 Jun 2010, 2:05 pm

I used to work with a bunch of girls, who were like that. It drove me crazy. :x


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League_Girl
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25 Jun 2010, 2:05 pm

I don't worry about those things and I'm happy. I also don't really pay any attention.

If I find I am a stigma to someone or even suspect it, I sometimes ask what did I ever do wrong or if I ever did anything or said anything that pissed them off or if something happened between us. But that doesn't really happen in the real world for me except online. As a teen I had and then I didn't see that anymore when I left high school.



Kiley
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25 Jun 2010, 2:14 pm

I've run into situations like that and I'm not in the spectrum. Sometimes people just don't like other people for any number of reasons. Some of those people will use group politics to get the person they don't like in trouble. There are strategies you can use to protect yourself and not be so much of a target, but it's not something that most people are immune to.

To my way of thinking this all goes back to the 9 (or so) learning styles/intelligences people have. Google 9 Intelligences and you can get an overview. One intelligence people can have is Interpersonal. People with this way of thinking/being learn and work through relationships to other people. They learn best in team settings. They can be offended by non-team players and independant thinkers. If they are a person with poor values and character they can use their abilities to hurt other people. It sounds to me like you are running into people like that. Not all NTs are that skilled at interpersonal things or can use politics so adeptly and those who are don't always choose to use their abilities for evil, but some do and there seems to be one in every crowd.



League_Girl
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25 Jun 2010, 2:25 pm

What I hate is when someone messes something up at work I just got done doing and then saying I didn't do my job. Or they just mess up my work after I get through with it and then someone else complains there is no X and I get the blame for it. It freak me out every time. I don't know if it's intentional or unintentional. Sometimes an inconsiderate person will go in the restroom and decide to use up all the toilet paper or grab all the paper towels so it's assumed I didn't put any in there. Or a whole group of people go in here and mess everything up so the supervisor assumes I didn't put in toilet paper or paper towels.



thechadmaster
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25 Jun 2010, 2:54 pm

I have pulled my comment, there was a little confusion, regarding where the post had gone, the post below belongs to soledad, the quote from me is still there and i confirm that i said that, i just want to keep the clutter down on this thread, to read my statement just read soledads quote box.


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Last edited by thechadmaster on 25 Jun 2010, 3:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Soledad
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25 Jun 2010, 2:56 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
Soledad wrote:
thechadmaster wrote:
thats why i just roll with the punches, if someone wants to have fun at my expense, thats their privilege as an NT. people want to pull a "disappearing act" (see the thread), thats fine, ill be here when you get back. people want to steal my property, ok, it wasnt mine to begin with, i had it on loan from God.

life is just temporary in my book, another 80 orso years i can go meet my maker in heaven and He will restore me to what i should be. i let others take and take and take but i never expect anything back, this NT world has trained me to beileve that if society wants me to have something, i will have it, but i am not allowed to expect anything in return, reparations are God's department.


Not to get all religious here, but thechadmaster is exactly right. Forget religion for a second. Even without a religion it's logical to think that someone made us, right? so let's call that someone God, and let's make God a he, even though god is neither, God is God, but we'll just call him a he. I believe that life is temporary too. Why do we die? when we die will it matter how much we were bullied? Just let it happen, and you'll feel so much better, because trying to stop the bullying only causes more stress and problems, unless you go to human resources and let them deal with it.

I've learned that this life is not really ours, we don't get what we want, and we shouldn't expect too much. Life is just a test as I see it.



Nice!

To quote an Audio Adrenaline song "to win in life youve got to lose it, and all the losers get a crown"

i have come to believe that self esteem is bad, it leads you to believe that you are somehow better than another, nobody is better than anyone else, i would rather have a painfully "adequate" life, knowing that i may have done a little bit of good, than have a grand castle and a trillion dollars, but know that i stepped on my fellow man to get there.

when you full realize humility, your soul will be at peace.



EDIT: soledad, where did your post go?


Yes you are right. I deleted it because i thought no one would read it, if you were wondering.



Kiley
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25 Jun 2010, 2:57 pm

That's very unfair LG. Is it your sole responsiblity to ensure there is TP and such in the bathroom or is this something that has evolved because you've not stood up for yourself? It's amazing how petty some people can be.

If it's your job to make sure the bathroom is stocked I have a suggestion for you. Start keeping a log. Write down the time, date and items put into the bathroom. Then, if those items are being used up at an unreasonable rate, bring this to your boss'es attention. Make it the problem of the people causing the problem. A log will also confirm that you are doing your job in a timely manner and make you look good. Make it as impersonal as you can, it's about the resources (paper products, soap etc) and the company's money. Go to the boss not with an accusation against those people, but with the question "Where are all the supplies going?" Ask your boss if the quantities being used up are appropriate and could someone be stealing them, and therefore stealing from the company? Let your boss decide if something needs to be done, or if it's OK.

Either way you can become bullet proof. If they go to the boss saying you're not keeping the bathroom supplied, (s)he's already heard your side of the story. Then they might come off looking bad for making unfair demands of you, but you certainly won't come off badly because you've docmented that you're doing your job.



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25 Jun 2010, 3:55 pm

I too believe life is temporary. That makes it more important to be sure one protects him/herself from abusive work situations. The creator has endowed us with senses and intelligence. I don't believe in any eternal rewards for martyrdom. As a matter of fact, I believe that an intelligent creator wants us to be free of abuse and happy. Just my observation.


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StuartN
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25 Jun 2010, 4:04 pm

katzefrau wrote:
But also I can never figure out who's responsible, or if is based on something I did.


An awful lot of the workplace revolves around loyalty, group hierarchy and who gets the credit. If you go into work just intending to do your job, and do it well, (some) other people will hate you for not joining their clique, not being loyal to the right clan leader, not getting or giving credit appropriately, not joining in the "I worked until 8pm every night" mentality and all the other behaviours that have nothing to do with getting results effectively.

Having said that, people can also bully because of their own autistic traits (being right all the time, not recognising hurt, etc) so I do no say this with any smug superiority.



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25 Jun 2010, 6:20 pm

I had to quit a job I had for 2years because of that. It's one of the reasons I was DXed. I was also really lucky with my new job because the new people were tolerant of my social dysfunction after I explained the dynamics of my disabilities to them. A good example is at first my new boss was angry that I had trouble taking orders over the phone, but now he's more lenient and he gets someone to come and help me when I need it.



Kiley
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25 Jun 2010, 6:31 pm

Angel_ryan wrote:
I had to quit a job I had for 2years because of that. It's one of the reasons I was DXed. I was also really lucky with my new job because the new people were tolerant of my social dysfunction after I explained the dynamics of my disabilities to them. A good example is at first my new boss was angry that I had trouble taking orders over the phone, but now he's more lenient and he gets someone to come and help me when I need it.


It's very encouraging to hear of a success story like this. I'm so glad you were able to share with your co-workers and get fair treatment.



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25 Jun 2010, 6:36 pm

You (katzefrau) just described perfectly what my two weeks of working at McDonald's was like.

I was just trying to do my job well. All of a sudden, I heard everyone talking around me, saying "oh my god, did you know she's a lesbian?" I hadn't ogled any girls, I hadn't talked about sex at all to anyone. I tried to just ignore it and do my job and eventually I heard someone ask how the other person knew I was a lesbian and they said, "I was working the drive-through and a really cute guy came through. I told everyone else about it and they all ran over to the window to see him when he drove up. Except for her. She just stayed at her cash register. So then we all knew she's a lesbian!"

So . . . because I took my job seriously?

And after the bullying went on for a while, the manager fired me and said I "just didn't fit in with the team." So there was that job.


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thechadmaster
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25 Jun 2010, 6:50 pm

Sparrowrose wrote:
You (katzefrau) just described perfectly what my two weeks of working at McDonald's was like.

I was just trying to do my job well. All of a sudden, I heard everyone talking around me, saying "oh my god, did you know she's a lesbian?" I hadn't ogled any girls, I hadn't talked about sex at all to anyone. I tried to just ignore it and do my job and eventually I heard someone ask how the other person knew I was a lesbian and they said, "I was working the drive-through and a really cute guy came through. I told everyone else about it and they all ran over to the window to see him when he drove up. Except for her. She just stayed at her cash register. So then we all knew she's a lesbian!"

So . . . because I took my job seriously?

And after the bullying went on for a while, the manager fired me and said I "just didn't fit in with the team." So there was that job.


sounds typical of fast food. the cashiers and linerunners are all kids and the "managers" are 18 or 19, very little maturity there, i worked at a kfc for a couple weeks back in 08, all they did was make sex jokes, God help you if you ask for a chicken breast, they knew nothing about proper food handling and safety, they flipped out on me on the first day in a new location because i wasnt cleaning the hot wells fast enough (tey were still over 250 degrees) they expect you to be in three places at once

i dont usually patronize FF restaurants anymore simply because i dont want to add to their burden.

im so glad i work in a convenience store now, still plenty of challenges, but i work alone 90 percent of the time and im next in line for assistant manager.


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tomboy4good
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25 Jun 2010, 7:39 pm

<~~~~48 years old & still bullied. I don't always get the social dynamics of my office either. It's frustrating that I can't do my job without someone else causing me grief. There are times when there's so much noise I can't hear the voice on the other end of the telephone. I have my hands over my ears to try to filter out all the background sounds, but it doesn't help. I don't have enough status to tell others to stop being so loud. And if I did, that would just lead to more bullying. I've been bullied so long that it's just a normal part of every day life. In fact, I am surprised when it doesn't happen. I have just learned to do my best. People often make fun of me or get angry at me because they don't like my personality, the way I look or dress, etc. I HATE every minute of it. I've also been told I have NO sense of humor. I think I do, but other people don't get it...tired of trying to explain what makes me tick. So now I just mostly stay quiet. My bullies have ranged from the boss, supervisors, to people under me in seniority to customers & total strangers. I have noticed that no one else in my current job gets bullied as much as I do. I am the one that gets picked on or blamed if there's a problem. Being thrown under the proverbial bus has become such a norm that I know all the undercarriage parts, not just the wheels personally.


People have also called me names like lesbian in the past too. Of course, I am married now, & they've all met my hubby, so they know I'm straight. So they don't use that word any more, but there are plenty of others that are used, & used on a regular basis. I wish I had a good answer to how to stop it & get respect, but unfortunately, I am still as much in the dark now as I've always been.


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