Does Aspergers and romance neediness go hand in hand?

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hale_bopp
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01 Jul 2010, 12:14 am

jdcnosse wrote:
I don't need a girlfriend to validate my worth. I do like having a girlfriend to do things with, like intimacy, and other things like swimming and going to movies...I would be slightly sad if I didn't have a girlfriend to do those things with, but it wouldn't be the end of me.


Thats healthy. The sort of person im talking about feels like they aren't worth anything unless they have a partner.



conundrum
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01 Jul 2010, 12:15 am

astaut wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
A lot of people want a girlfriend because it "validates their worth"

THIS IS UNHEALTHY.



I agree 150%. I also have a friend who has pretty much said those words to me, she is an NT. She won't end a relationship until she has already started dating someone else. As for me, I'm an AS female and I can do just fine being without a partner. (I'm not trying to brag or anything, just stating.) I don't not want one (sometimes I don't), but I can do without.


DITTO!

I am with my bf because I love him, not because I need "validation."

If things ended between us I would be very sad because I'd miss him, but it wouldn't be the end of my own "worth." There is a huge distinction.

The healthiest relationships are the ones in which both partners already know their own intrinsic "worths" individually. In the case, two "wholes" make a whole, not two "halves."


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01 Jul 2010, 12:22 am

nick007 wrote:
foreveryoung wrote:
Aspie men go through school and high school without having much, if any, communication with the opposite sex, so they grow to put them on a pedestal...on top of that, they're more sensitive to begin with...so they have this fantasy like notion of women and romance due to lack of experience and lack of social intelligence. Then they get older, and still no girlfriend or dates, and they put women and romance on a pedestal even more


That theory does make sense but also some Aspies have a history of being hurt or used by the opposite sex; a woman may of pretended that she liked the guy in order to get something from him or the Aspie may of misunderstood something by the NTs & the Aspie got frustrated over everything & thinks relationships are bad.

I can probably think of a lot more theories that explain why Aspies may not be romantically needy & I could also think of some that explain why they are.


I'm with nick007 here, I have been attracted to girls for so long my mom remembers my toddler self telling her various girls were cute. I have had better luck with female friends than male friends, I blame my competitive nature for clashing with other male competitive natures for this. I don't put them on a pedestal, though I do know that it's not likely I'll ever be jumped by a gang of women or even get punched in the face hard enough to bleed. If you notice anything about me it's that I'm pessimistic about relationships. If I could be happy with "no strings attached" I would be, I'd never have any romance in my life. My first real girlfriend was when I was 8, and let me tell you nothing hurts worse than having your first girlfriend of ~6 months throw her lunchbox at you when you are a sweet and mostly innocent (which is an exaggeration) little boy. That was the start of my pessimism of relationships. I had friends that called me a pimp in high school. Doesn't make much sense that I'm a pimp but when I played online games I knew all the girls (all .01% of a games players) and I had two or three real life girlfriends in my freshman year (and back then I hadn't even touched long distance bs, I started that when I was 3/4s homeschooled at 16).

I am VERY needy. I more or less spend my life being miserable every second of my life that I don't spend with a girl or with money. If I had a job 50-80 hours a week I would hardly give a darn about having a girlfriend (at least at first) because I'd be too busy doing my hobbies to think about how miserable I was.



techstepgenr8tion
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01 Jul 2010, 1:13 am

OP: this is what I think it boils down to. As aspies we're told, at least as kids, that we're *vastly* inferior in social skills, that we'll never amount to anything, etc. etc. - or at least that's how it was back when I was dx'd. Because of that I think a lot of people have all of those hallmarks that they were told they're too...what's the word...stunted?...to hit and its not just their need, its a wager against their overall worth much more than just someone needing a friend or needing a boyfriend girlfriend. those 'things' become tantamount to 'making the bar' so to speak. I'm not saying that its the right way for people to think about it or that its necessarily correct, just saying that it happens.



Adam82
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01 Jul 2010, 2:33 am

I wouldn't know. I've never had a GF. Due to my poor social skills.



nick007
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01 Jul 2010, 9:12 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
A lot of people want a girlfriend because it "validates their worth"

THIS IS UNHEALTHY.

Yes, a guy I know IRL actually said this to me. Those words. It seems to me toad is one of the worst offenders of this who I have seen on WP - you are not "useless" or "worthless" because you do not date people all the time or cant get a date.


That sounds like a good theory but I don't think it applies to me. I'm fairly comfortable with myself the way I am thou lots of people assume I have very low self-esteem because I recognize & accept that I do have some limitations/differences compared with the so-called norm. Anyways the rezone I want someone is because of loneliness. It's boring spending most of my time by myself with no one to talk to who understands or seems to care. I also have urges for affection(like cuddling) & I would probably sleep better if I was with someone. I think a lot of women would really like me if they gave me a chance but a lot of em are to shallow/stuck-up to realize it.

As for as Toad is concerned; I feel I can relate to him some. I used to sound like that a few years ago when I was still having some issues with depression(I may still sound like that some but I don't think as much as I used to). I'm NOT saying Toad is depressed or anything but he could be trying to figure himself & things out. Things will probably improve a bit for him after he graduates college; least I hope so. There's lots of social pressure at college & it can be really confusing(least that's what I hear; I never went)


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hale_bopp
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01 Jul 2010, 9:38 pm

I want Toad to graduate and get happy in a job, then maybe his mind will be off his feelings about himself.

Most of the members here don't have this problem but a few do.



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02 Jul 2010, 2:55 am

Every one has different priorities regardless of how we are neurologically wired.

When it comes to romance I'm very needy of my space. I don't care for romance.


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02 Jul 2010, 6:16 am

hale_bopp wrote:
I want Toad to graduate and get happy in a job, then maybe his mind will be off his feelings about himself.

Most of the members here don't have this problem but a few do.


I'm content with myself and my interests.

I use to pedestalize romance and dating until I lost my v-card. Watching my parents' dysfunctional and still ongoing relationship soured me on the whole "love" thing as well.

The reason I recommend trying an escort "the I'm so wone-wee and nobody wubs me :cry: " types, is that I used to be one of them. :oops:

Getting an escort allows you to take control over a facet of their life that is hurting you. It makes you realize just how little of a deal sex is.

Once you realize how easy it is to get sex, it makes you look at things a lot differently.



Mxzysptlik
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06 Feb 2013, 11:08 pm

I don't want a gf to validate me. That's stupid and unhealthy. I simply want someone real whose willing to have deep, interesting conversations. The girls I attract seem dull and boring. Maybe that's me... I don't put women on a pedestal. Used to but I don't. What I want are close friends to help me out. I'm such a social moron...



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06 Feb 2013, 11:41 pm

foreveryoung wrote:
This isn't a critical or judgmental post or meant to evaluate whether it's wrong or right. I'm more concerned if romantic neediness is a trait that people with AS are more likely to have than other people, and if so, is it due to inexperience/not as much experience with the reality of dating, or is it something else?


I would have to answer no to this. There are some people with AS that are completely aromantic/asexual. Being asexual is more likely among Aspies than NTs. Some people here may seem romantically needy because they lack experience relative to someone their own age. It is true in most cases that dating is harder for people with AS unfortunately, which can be very frustrating to someone who would like to be in a romantic relationship. I think the desire to form romantic relationships varies from person to person, regardless of whether they NT or AS. I fall somewhere in the middle. I am open to finding someone to date, but I don't hate being single either. Both have their pros and cons.



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06 Feb 2013, 11:59 pm

dyingofpoetry wrote:
I know that I may appear needy because I have no idea what is appropriate or what to expect from a romantic interest. I don't know how often we are supposed to see each other, how much time to spend togther, if it is okay when I don't get called, or if a promise is broken.

Partners don't understand that I need to be told right out how they feel and where they want to go with me, because I DON'T understand subletlies. If someone does not want to see me anymore, then he needs to plainly say so. If he wants to continue the relationship, but merely has a busy schedule, then he needs to say THAT. If I just see less of him and don't know why, then I will either just run away from it, or become needy by demaning more time together.

Open, verbal communication is a necessiity for people on the Spectrum.

Me too. I mess up friendships cuz of that. I worry about that happening w/ my bf as well. :(


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07 Feb 2013, 12:10 am

conundrum wrote:
dyingofpoetry wrote:
I know that I may appear needy because I have no idea what is appropriate or what to expect from a romantic interest. I don't know how often we are supposed to see each other, how much time to spend togther, if it is okay when I don't get called, or if a promise is broken.

Partners don't understand that I need to be told right out how they feel and where they want to go with me, because I DON'T understand subletlies. If someone does not want to see me anymore, then he needs to plainly say so. If he wants to continue the relationship, but merely has a busy jschedule, then he needs to say THAT. If I just see less of him and don't know why, then I will either just run away from it, or become needy by demaning more time together.

Open, verbal communication is a necessiity for people on the Spectrum.



That's not neediness. That's an expectation of openness and honesty. I expect the same thing from my bf.

IMO, if more couples were open and "communicated verbally" (and like reasonable adults), they'd have fewer problems.

"Neediness" is when you have to validate your self-worth by having a relationship, ANY relationship. That's completely different from what you described.


:wtg:



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07 Feb 2013, 12:18 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
conundrum wrote:
"Neediness" is when you have to validate your self-worth by having a relationship, ANY relationship. That's completely different from what you described.

:wtg:

x2 from me! Desperately needing someone to "complete" me would mean I'm not a whole or complete human being just as I am.

Quite frankly, what person would want an incomplete/deficient partner... except for another one also desperate for someone to "fill the missing piece"?

Two deficiencies only leads to even more deficiency, rather than completion.... at least in most cases. There's always the exception... ;)



gordonsill7
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07 Feb 2013, 6:52 pm

We all have 'needs', and 'desires' For some, it is money, for some it is spiritual, for some it is their hobbies, sports, whatever it is, we all- aspie or nt, we have desires.

In my situation: I come across as needy, I am told this by my parents sometimes. Why do I want a young woman in my life? NOT to validate me, honestly, sometimes I do deal with low self-esteem, but girl or no girl, it will be a struggle sometimes, and with the girl, she will of course get upset with me, as I would her (conflict is inevitable) which we work through together. Key word TOGETHER.

Having romance, means it takes 2 to tango... it's US against the world... and we work through it, 110/110. I am VERY affectionate, I love kissing, holding, cuddling, etc. Though I have not had much of that. I am out of college now, trying to find jobs, and I often worry, that this won't happen, or it will be years down the line.

Love is something that, really does complete you, yet it also enhances you. So while, I do feel okay now, they say you meet your "other half". Equal partnership, you care for each other, your strengths and her weaknesses can balance out.

I may very well come across as needy. My heart wants to be loved, and I want to be responsible, and care for her heart as well. I'm not going to just find a girl that is hard to deal with, etc. Certain personality types I do not get along with, as is with everyone. So, for some, AS or not, they will be needy, for others, it is simply that want for romance, in which we haven't had much experience.

It may sound as if I put it on a pedestal. Maybe I do. I have seen bad marriages, and good marriages, thus I know relationships are NOT all perfect and sunny. Every rose will have its thorns, I know that. She will get an attitude, and so will I. We will disagree, argue, yet it takes work and effort to resolve it, and move forward. In those times, we learn more about the other person, loving them even more.

Do I desire this? Absolutely. Am I NEEDY for it? No, because I don't NEED a girl, I'd be lonely, bored, and affection deprived, and everything I have to offer would go to waste, romance wise, but I wouldn't NEED anyone.