How come some aspies have friends and others can't make any

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Amajanshi
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13 Nov 2010, 8:36 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
Some posts here talk about not having any friends or only one good friend, and others talk about having something close to a normal social life? Do you think it's more about being higher functioning?
My heart just goes out to some of the people here, because I've been there, not to be condescending.


Most Aspies I've met so far don't have a huge circle of friends, but only a few (even just 1) close friend.

Imo it mostly has to do with the automatic incompatibility between Aspies and NTs in terms of communication purposes.

Aspies have hobbies and interests and want to talk to others about those things, however quite likely most NTs around them them don't have similar interests and so it's hard for the Aspie to engage in conversation about things that they're not knowledgeable about.

Also, NTs connect to other NTs emotionally and laugh/joke about things for bonding purposes, which isn't part of the Aspie's innate communication styles. Therefore the Aspie won't gain much benefit from it, and they'll often find such NT behaviour boring and/or stupid.

There's also a thing about being higher functioning. An Aspie who has enough patience, time, and reserves of energy to IMITATE "NT Social Skills" will find it easier to fit in superficially with NTs and acquire more NT friends. I must warn you however that to fit in superficially with NTs requires a LOT of work on the Aspie's part and can take a huge toll on their mental and physical health.

However, I believe that it's important for an Aspie to learn or be taught "Functional Social Skills" that are sufficient for communicating with NTs while still appearing polite in NT society. This is very different from "NT Social Skills" for the purpose of connecting to other NTs emotionally and all that crap.



sharpteeth
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15 Nov 2010, 11:42 am

For me it's a matter of perspective. I have an active social life, but I have to be careful about labeling people as "friends" - I have trouble keeping them, and the more I label them "friends" the more attached I get and (apparently) the more comfortable I get being myself, and that freaks people out. So I try to keep it light and be cautious about letting my guard down. It's not real, but at least it's a social network.