Contradictory Person

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I'm getting so tired of trying to figure out who I am... I know I'm bipolar... and had ADHD as a kid.... but AS... I mean AQ says I'm just below cut-off, Aspie Quiz just over the line barely.

I have intense interests, horrible social skills and meltdowns, but I look people in the eyes and name my emotions easily...

Maybe it's just because I'm female and I had lots of social skills training as a kid. Or it's my other conditions...

I can't afford another doc, and the mental health people I have no don't want to evaluate me.

Even the docs admit I have horrible social problems, but they are not offering to give me more training or to help me. Heck, my aunt was more helpful trying to help me to small talk, she teaching me to say "How are you?" when I meet someone, I do have "Hi" down.

*sigh*

end of rant

Just wanted to know who else feels this way.

I don't think you have to meet all the criteria in order to have AS. There are some aspie traits that I don't have, but I'm still considered to have Asperger's. Many people with AS can learn over the years and thus make significant improvements in the areas in which they struggled. I know I've made some improvements over the years.

Also, Asperger's and ADHD are both related. I was diagnosed with ADD a few years after being diagnosed with Asperger's.

I have taken many tests and they basically scream you have AS, however i have become better with faking eye contact (I wasn't able to do it at all years ago.) basically i stare at the bridge of their nose, or left eyeball. I don't feel so weird when i think of it as a single eyeball, but as soon as i hit both eyes i cant talk or anything and i get all bothered. I also realized i bow when i leave a conversation, it makes me seem more polite when i don't want to look at their face anymore, instead of shaking hands. When someone shakes hands with me i have to go wash my hands because i feel bothered afterwards. Also if someone is walking towards me at my work (retail) I'm suppose to contact them, I've gotten better at contacting complete strangers, but if they are too far away that they cant hear me and I'm looking in their direction and our eyes make contact I have like a block where I cant talk to them, no matter how hard I try. My managers and supervisors don't understand this and it makes it hard for me. I just thought i was weird until my AS GF told me she thinks i have it because she knows i have meltdowns and stuff but i didn't want to shell out the money for a diagnosis especially if I've handled it for so long. so I took some tests and they were like super high on autism side and super low on NT side. sorry for typing so much it's just ive never been able to explain how i felt to my coworkers, they just think im weird and treat me like a child sometimes...

I've always felt that Autism and mental illness go hand in hand especially Aspergers and Schizoaffective. I've done a lot my own research and the parallels are just amazing. There's been new research done in an attempt to prove that Autism and Schizophrenia are genetically two sides of the same coin. I highly suggest researching it! I love my research because both disorders run in my family and I feel a slight bit of relief every time I open my mind and expand my understanding.

Truthfully I only look at one eye too because I have permanent double vision and I can't stare at the two at the same time, I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

This is why I'm trying to get my old special education records... the few records I have already are filled with stuff like "she has no social skills, good analytical skills, emotionally immature" and even the fact that they had an aide in the classrooms for me in case I had a fit and to try to model appropriate behavior toward other kids.

All of the AS tests say I am on the spectrum, but I don't really have any issue with eye contact and I feel like I can read people well. I am confused too. I read through an AS checklist for kids and noticed I did most of those things. I can't remember which things I might have learned along the way, seeing as I am female and 30 years old now.

I know what you mean. Something is DEFINITELY up (there are very striking differences between me and my brothers), but I just don't know.

I'm aware of my AS diagnosis, but sometimes I have to wonder, if I'm just a very eccentric person, who's a little old fashioned, for her age.

Heh...I have this double vision issue as well. I had a lazy eye as a child that was fixed with an operation and is coming back. This is actually common in autistics...go figure, lol.

I'm probably going to get another operation, can you not be operated on? I know that the double vision throws me off IMMENSELY, makes me feel like I'm on another planet and I don't need any help in that department LOL.

But yes...I'm also getting tired of trying to figure out my deal is...I've been in and out of the mental health system all my life. You sound like you may be on your way to getting the DX if you can find a better doctor.

Yes, it's a lazy eye, but I've gotten so used to it, I'm afraid to fix it. And the guy I used to work with that was on the spectrum also has a lazy eye.

Yeeep. Very common because of the way the brain processes information.

I feel similar to you. I have bipolar disorder as well. I also have intense interests and social deficits and some sensory problems, but am on the fence as to whether it's AS. I score firmly in the AS arena on all the tests, but once I'm comfortable with a person I can make eye contact though I prefer to look at someone's mouth. I also don't think I lack social reciprocity all the time. Again, it's dependent on how comfortable I am with the person.

I've also been physically and sexually abused over a long period of time, which could have caused my issues with touch and sound and the eye contact and maybe even the social stuff.

I sometimes think that maybe I'm just a shy introvert who has problems relating due to childhood history.

I hope you can find the peace you need. I'm thinking of just suspending the search since the only problems it's causing me right now are social and I can get around those. If it ever affects me more I can always resume the diagnosis trail.

I also stim, but non-autistics stim too.